Celtics squeeze out win, LeBron stays late to measure the baskets
After throwing up enough bricks to rebuild half of Southeast Asia, King James and the Pips fell to the top-seeded Celtics by a NCAA-like final score of 76-72 in Game 1 of the East Semis, much to the dismay of thousands of bloated couch-dwelling Clevelanders still digesting their 23-cent Papa John pizzas. In a game with statistics that would make Dr. Jack Ramsay turn in his grave (a combined 36% field-goal percentage and 38 total turnovers), LeBron nearly put together the ugliest triple-double in playoff history, going an abysmal 2-for-18 from the parquet floor and ten turnovers to go along with nine boards and nine helpers in a losing effort.
The Chosen One could attribute his sub-par performance to post-season jitters, the pressure of carrying the team on his shoulders, or simply the heebie-jeebies of being in his beloved Evil Empire’s enemy territory. James could have seen a tough shooting night coming while sight-seeing earlier in the week when he couldn’t hit the Atlantic Ocean from a beach on Cape Cod. The Celtic Faithful (forget the nineties) responded by awarding him the “Best Actor in a Fouled Role” after supposedly exaggerating a flagrant foul courtesy of Sam I Am late in the first half.
LeBron misses a potential tying lay-up in the final seconds
Aside from Gahhh-nett and Rondo, basketball did not look that all that much prettier for the C’s, who walked away with a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series. The rest of the Boston Three Party turned out to be party poopers, combining for four points and nine rebounds. Ray Allen a.k.a. Jesus Shuttlesworth went 0-for-a-lucky-4 from the field in a brutal 37 minutes and ended up with as many points as Danny Ainge, the first time Allen has been blanked since his rookie season in 1996.
Wait, Dr. Ramsay is still alive? Get the hell outta here....
All things considered, Boston takes a much-needed pivotal early lead in the series after being taken to the limit by Zaza’s Hawks, while the Cavs look to regroup and take Game 2 on Thursday at the Garden, where hopefully the hoop lids will be taken off.
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