Aah, it’s that time of year again. The swarming scents of the spring season are flourishing in the air, the Sun is starting to set later and later into the evening, and the intolerable sounds of D-Bags quarreling over snubs, clubs, and bracket-busters are quickly getting out of hand. So here’s a crash course on how to stick-it-to-the-bro’s and demonstrate your utter apathy for their crude gambling ring by completely tanking your entry. Besides, ‘tis the season to veg on the couch, crack a beer, and enjoy some of the most entertaining basketball of the year.BET ON THE UNDER-UNDERDOGS. No sixteen-seed has ever toppled a top one, and a fifteen shocking a two occurs approximately once every 20 blue moons. Take advantage of history’s lessons and go with Austin Peay or Winthrop to bring down the big boys. Going with the top-seeded favorites is so cliché, anyways.
WHO NEEDS TOP SEEDS? If that right-minded sports conscious on your shoulder just won’t let you pencil in Belmont over Tennessee (you weak, weak-minded coward), there is still hope yet of going bottoms up on your bracket. Since 2000, no team lower than a 5-seed has advanced to the Final Four showdown except for three: two #8’s and a #11 (curse you, George Mason). So when narrowing your field down to sixteen and eight, be certain to support the lower half of each region.
DON’T TRUST THE ANIMALS. And we’re talking about the nicknames/mascots. Over the past fourteen years, ten champions have been from the animal kingdom. So if you are busting a hemorrhoid deciding between the Memphis Tigers and the UMass Minutemen, go with the soldier boys.
BELIEVE IN THE HIGH-FIVE’S. Over the past decade or so, those first-round 5-12 match-ups have more resembled the Looney-Tunes/Monstars showdown in the critically-acclaimed Space Jam than a lopsided collegiate game. So don’t stop believing in the power of the “cursed” flawed five.
TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL. Although it may blow your cover as a legitimate entry, showcase your creativity by selecting teams that aren’t even in the tournament to advance deep into the later rounds. And you don’t even have to use teams. For example, last year, my final four consisted of the Denver Broncos, Christopher Reeve, a Venus Fly-Trap, and Buddhism, with Cinderella Saddam getting bounced in the Regional Finals. Don’t get too “hung up” about it….
That’ll show ‘em.
