ANOTHER ONE LIKES THE CUFFS

Steelers’ linebacker faces assault charges

Harrison's latest penalty will be more than just
fifteen yards and an automatic first down.

Every professional athlete in America thrives on the opportunity to surpass milestones and shatter long-standing statistical records. It seems like professional football players continuously take the “anything you can do, I can do better” mantra to unheard-of and, frankly, recklessly idiotic levels.

It is one thing for the career rushing crown to pass through the hands of Jim Brown, Walter Payton, and Emmitt Smith; or the single-season passing touchdown trophy to bounce from Marino to Manning to Brady. It is a whole different level of one-upmanship when convicts and degenerates on the gridiron pad their rap sheets instead of their stats in the box score.

James Harrison, a five-year veteran linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arraigned on Sunday after being charged with assaulting his girlfriend. 29-year-old Beth Tibbott reported that after an argument, Harrison kicked down a locked door, broke her iPhone in half, and finally backhanded her mug, leaving a very nice (but backwards) Super Bowl XL logo on her forehead.

The Commissioner / Warden

Harrison joins Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael Vick, and the ever-increasingly annoying “Spy Gate”, as virtual aneurisms in the brain of Roger Goodell, not to mention O.J. Simpson’s occasional and friendly reminders that he is, in fact, the Great Slash-Bino in the League of Penitentiary Gentlemen.