M.I.A.-MI

South Beach Diet: Losses

Somewhere in Bel Air, there is a hole in the heart of one Fresh Prince Will Smith for his second home on the other side of the nation. The Miami sports franchises, consisted of the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins, are in as dire a situation as the South Beach shores are white and sandy.

While all three franchises have found some varying levels of success in recent years, each has gone through recent roster transformations that have Nip/Tucked the sports landscape as dramatically as the booming cosmetic surgery industry. Now toiling at the bottom of their respective standings, dark clouds have rolled into south Florida and the recent days of fun in the Miami sun seem so far away.

Heat. Just two years after winning their first NBA title, the Heat broke up their mini-Justice League, shipping Superman out West and leaving Flash trying to find a new connection with newcomer, Shawn Marion. This comes after a season-long hold of the worst record in the L, and sixty-two year old Head Coach Pat Riley threatening to lace up his high-top Chucks after seeing too many of his “4 Strong” slog through games thinking about Cabo. Riley blasted his team after another blowout loss recently, saying “The season is over for them. That's how they're playing. Some of them anyhow.''

Perhaps now that Dwyane Wade has finally gotten into the Chuckster’s Fave Five, Flash can concentrate on his main goal of playing some basketball, or at least with the way the season has gone, tank in style. As no help seems to be in sight for the Heat, white hot shirts might be going out of fashion real quick.

Marlins Much has been made about the small-market, low-payroll Marlins and their revolving cast of characters ever since winning their out-of-nowhere World Series titles in 1997 and then again in 2003. 2008 will be no exception, as the Marlins were gutted and mainstays Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were shipped to Motown in the offseason. The Marlins return outstanding infielder Hanley Ramirez to carry the bulk of the offense, but Ramirez alone won’t be able to produce enough numbers to allow the future Miami Marlins to compete with the Mets or Braves.

Dolphins. Perhaps the only thing that did go right for the 2007 Dolphins came courtesy of another team. The New England Patriots’ all-time choking of the big one in Super Bowl XLII, allowed the 1972 Dolphins to remain the only citizens of Perfectville. But that still happened more than 25 years ago, folks. The 1-15 Dolphins shipped Chris Chambers to the left coast and brought in the Big Tuna to right the ship for 2008. But alas, not even Ace Ventura will be able to save Ronnie Brown, Dancing with the Stars’ Jason Taylor and the rest of the Dolphins from sinking to the bottom of the AFC East once again.