The Whine-Brenner Brothers take shots at Champions Comedic writer Larry David voiced an erratic, faceless, half-squeaky/half-annoying, and downright hilarious George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld in the nineties. These days, with the big boss being awake for only six hours each day (two in the bathroom and four feebly trying to figure out a way to button the top button on his shirt) and his stout offspring eagerly waiting to fill his penny loafers, Larry might want to think about writing the characters of Hank and Hal Steinbrenner into Curb Your Enthusiasm.
After stepping into the boss’s shoes, Hank Steinbrenner wasted no time by turning around and kicking the Red Sox right in the baked beans.
His intelligent tirade:
“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is...”
Way to stay classy, Steiny, Jr.
“…That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans...”
It is? Oh yeah, now that I think about it, I do remember seeing Stuart Scott at Costco wearing the BP cap and Scott Van Pelt at Wal-Mart buying a fake Yastrzemski uni. Bristol, CT (ESPN headquarters), is ten miles closer to the Bronx than the Fens.
“…Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets…"
You can’t just make up stats, Hanky.
“This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”
The universe has apparently been waiting 7 years to be restored to order.
After Hank the Tank’s comments were released, Red Sox principal-owner John Henry took a few minutes from being an economic and financial genius (which apparently doubles the aging process, as the 59-year-old options trader looks older than Strom Thurmond. And I mean Strom Thurmond now, not when he was alive) to FedEx a lovely gift basket filled with assorted Beantown trinkets and goodies:
- An official Red Sox Nation membership card
- Red Sox newsletter
- Bumper stickers
- Pin
- Green Monster seats
- An official cap signed by David Ortiz
Now that’s pretty funny.
Honestly, I am not a fan of either team, but the Yankees remind me of that one guy who comes over to play Guitar Hero and thinks he’s God’s gift to “Black Magic Woman” because he’s been playing since before the game was even developed and has beaten every song on “Expert” level, but ends up being excessively bitter and angry because this other guy (the Sox), who hasn’t played video games in 86 years, isn’t taking things so seriously, and is more focused on drinking and having a good time, is Star-Powering him into submission.
Yeah, that’s it.
Take it easy, boys. Four years ago, Boston hadn’t won a Series since slavery. Now they’ve won two. Let them be increasingly abrasive and have their day in the limelight. Lord knows you’ll be back to winning World Series’ in a few years when you top the $1 billion mark on the payroll. Maybe.
