LAKERS-CELTICS: Look Back

From disappointment to redemption:
Looking back on the Celtics and Lakers' past year.


I. Last Year

As a franchise so rich in history and tradition faded further into the New England sports background behind the likes of the suddenly-perennial Series-winning Red Sox and the Handycam-wielding, perfection-challenging Patriots, the Celtics began to look into the mirror and hate themselves. And just like an obese person tacks on more weight just to qualify for reserved-for-the-morbidly-obese gastro surgery, the tank brigade was out in full force by January as losses began piling up in bunches, whether purposefully or not, to land the coveted #1 draft pick.

The Lakers’ NBA scoring champ Kobe Bryant along with his some-guys stumbled their way through another season of ups and downs, secured a low playoff seed, and then vanished in the Los Angeles smog before casual Laker fans could settle into their plush seats. The Lakers drew the Phoenix Suns for the second consecutive year and were vanquished in 5, after losing in seven the previous year. That gave the Lakers a whopping non-playoff season followed by 2 straight first round defeats in the 3 years since Shaq left Hollywood, and full custody of the Lakers went to Kobe.


II. Offseason

Feeling good about a nearly forty-percent chance of landing one of the coveted top-two selections in the draft, the Celtics put on their green party hats, had the champagne on ice, and already prepared a brand-new jersey, waiting to be embroidered with either franchise-savior "Oden" or "Durant" between the shoulders. In a moment that can only be considered being kicked when down, general manager Danny Ainge took ping-pong balls to face before being granted the privilege of picking…fifth. PWND. Tim Duncan all over again. In a scene cut from the final broadcast, Doc Rivers had to be restrained from taking the podium to spit out several "Oh, hell no's", Kanye glasses and all. Hope that 23-win season was worth it.

What can be said that hasn’t already about the Laker’s offseason. Lose, sulk, make ridiculous and dramatic demands to management. Andrew Bynum was enemy number one, the entire front office close behind, and Kobe still wanted a new partner to help take on the load: Jason Kidd, Kevin Garnett, Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer. No moves were made, and Kobe wanted to be on the next Southwest flight out to his new team in Chicago.


III. Aftermath

It must have been such an emotionally and morally difficult task for Danny Ainge to look his players in the eyes and tell them that most of them suck, although fans were saying that about Doc for years. The Celtics refused such an insulting draft pick and shipped it as far away as possible to Seattle, along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West to acquire an aging but still-sharpshooting Ray Allen. With relationship trouble brewing in Minnesota between a ring-less Garnett and the Timberwolves, Boston saw another opportunity to climb out of the Eastern cellar and leave the Bobcats and Knicks behind.

KG and Ainge met and immediately fell in love, well at least after Allen was already on board. It also didn’t hurt having an inept, former Celtic GM to work with in Kevin McHale, as the Celtics sent Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Theo Ratliff, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, a draft pick, a gross of baked beans, a case of Sam Adams, a signed McHale jersey, corned beef, three iPods, and a book of Sudoku's in the hopes that the Wolves would cut off ties with him. Meet the new Boston Big Three.

As he was taking the GM position in Memphis years ago, Jerry West told Kobe that he would do whatever needed to get Kobe another ring. And, it looks like that reality is about to set. Whether this is true or not, it did look a bit suspicious in February after the trade went down, the 2 teams West helped shape and mold, taking part in a heist for the Lakers: All Star Gasol for stone-handed Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton and 2 future crappy, late first round picks.

Looked even more suspicious seeing West on the Staples Center court last week, handing the Western Conference championship trophy to Bryant, chit-chatting with Pau, and realizing his promise was finally coming to fruition. While West has repeatedly denied being involved in the trade, perhaps he was really doing the Grizzlies a favor, secretly knowing that Kwame would eventually drop the bust label after 7 years and become the next Kareem down low for years in Memphis. Maybe not.

So the rest is regular season history. The top team in the West squares off against the top team in the East. Lakers-Celtics, and a rivalry renewed. KG finally playing in his first NBA Finals. Kobe finally getting back sans Shaq. While both teams have taken extremely different paths through the years getting back to this point, here we are. A fitting culmination to one of the best seasons in recent memory. Congrats, David Stern.

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TOP NBA FLOPS

With the announcement coming down this week from the League office that clear and egregious flops will be penalized starting next year, a compilation of youtube's finest flops, before they disappear forever...

7. Baron Davis vs. Mehmet Okur



This Baron flop is more hilarious than heinous. A harmless flop after the play that didn't get called, drew giggles from the Warriors TV broadcasters, and a priceless reaction from Okur. Although, Baron's flop had to be retaliation for this...

6. AK47 vs. Matt Barnes



With the Warriors' playoff run coming to an end in Utah, Kirilenko pulled out a grand flop from his arsenal in the final minute. Going for a rebound, after a made free throw no less, AK47 apparently gets blasted by tank-like Barnes, draws Barnes' sixth foul and helps seal the win for the Jazz. Perhaps it was the only way AK47 knew how to respond to this little number.

5. Robert Horry vs. Carlos Boozer



Another Big Flop Bob classic. You have to expect some kind of cheap shot every year from Horry during the playoffs, and this flop from last year's WCF was no exception. Perfect form, minimal contact leading to the 10 foot slide backwards, playing it off just enough to grant you a trip from the line. One of the best.


4. Shaquille O'Neal vs. Tim Duncan



Remember the days when Shaq used to be the most dominant force in the league? When nobody dared enter Shaq's lane against without the danger of a size 22 boot up your ass? Well, those days are gone and Shaq will pull whatever trick he can get his old body to do on defense. Making it all the more hilarious is Shaq's wrath for those Spurs wusses who flop like there's no tomorrow.
3. Pau Gasol vs. Dwight Howard/Hedo Turkoglu



With the first flop by Gasol not even 2 minutes into the game, you know its going to be a long night for the Magic defense. Poor Pau gets bulldozed by bully Howard twice on equally ridiculous offensive fouls, and then gets blasted later by equally-menacing Turkoglu. The calls angered Howard so much he began spewing Bible verses praying for Gasol's cheating soul.

2. Vlade Divac vs. The NBA



In case an elderly, graying Vlade Divac ever looked back on his life and playing career and wondered just what kind of legacy he left on the world he need not look further than this video. of ballers past and present who fondly recall the gift of the flop he bestowed NBA fans for many years. However, after Vlade hung up his sneaks, there's been a new King of Flop flying to free through lines in NBA cities for years...

1. Manu Ginobili vs. The World





If the NBA ruling for flopping penalties can be pointed to the acts of one NBA player, it has to be the Spurs' Argentinean sixth man. Manu, for how great he plays and contributes to the Spurs machine, still relies on the flop while playing defense, to the ire of fans, coaches and players alike. Thinning hair flying, mouth gaping and limbs flailing, Manu has take the flop to a whole new, albeit annoying, level. Here's hoping the new ruling takes the flop away and rewards some actual defense to be played.

Honorable mention: Derek Fisher, Raja Bell

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BULLS-HIT JACKPOT

As everybody knows the Bulls struck lottery gold last night, beating 1.7% odds of landing the top pick in the June Draft. Just like last year there are 2 major prospects, Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose, that John Paxson can’t wait to get his triple title-ringed hands on. A season removed from their most successful run since MJ owned United, this pick should pay immediate dividends for the Bulls getting back to the playoffs. Or, will it? Just some random musings…

-The Bulls can’t lose with the top pick. That is, unless their pick winds up needing some crazy season-ending microfracture surgery or something… knock on wood. Since neither Beasley nor Rose looks to be 21 going on 57, Bulls fans need not worry. After seeing the carnage CP3 and Deron Williams left behind during the playoffs, the Bulls would do just fine picking hometown boy Rose, who has the total game to join their ranks very soon. But adding Beasley in the frontcourt would probably help Bulls fans forget about all the former big men who’ve come in and stunk up the joint or gone elsewhere and improved their games over the years.

-When the camera panned on Steve Schanwald after the #9 envelope was opened, how disappointing was it not to see this guy? Schanwald was the epitome of corporate tool, flashing his tacky gold jewelry, mouth gaped and accepting the #1 pick with class.

Who didn’t want to see Jerry Krause slam the podium with joy when the Bulls initially moved up, have a mild heart attack during commercial break waiting for the final 3 envelopes, and then another when the Bulls finally won. Krause would have gone all Kanye in the studio, flashed a huge grin on his quadruple-chinned face, and made sure Mike D’Antoni felt his wrath.

-Including this year, the Chicago has been home to seven Top 5 picks in the last 10 drafts. SEVEN. That’s not just any lottery pick, that’s a ridiculous amount of very high drafts picks over the last decade.

The good: Elton Brand (#1 in 1999). That’s it. Ben Gordon (#3 in '04) has worked out OK, but he’s no franchise player.

And the bad: Marcus Fizer (#4 in ’00)... Eddy Curry (#4 in ’01)... Jay Williams (#2 in 2002) but that was just an unfortunate incident for everybody involved. And LaMarcus Aldridge (#2 in 2006) who was shipped for Tyrus Thomas. Whoops. The jury's still out on Joakim Noah (#9 last year), but that's a ton of undeveloped frontcourt players who returned very little value for being such high picks.

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FAMILIAR FOES

Spurs and Lakers lock horns yet again

The NBA Playoffs may finally be worth the watch.

The 2008 edition of the Uber-Conference Finals kick off on Wednesday night, and after a turbulent, chaotic, and outwardly unpredictable Western Conference regular season, no one can really say there are any surprises now that the final two are set.

This year’s league darlings, the New Orleans Hornets, won’t be there after their lack of big-game experience allowed them to squander a 2-0 and 3-2 series lead. The Phoenix Suns, whose championship window appears to be rapidly closing shut and whose 2008 season resembled a “small-stack” poker player going in for one last all-or-nothing hurrah, won’t be playing ball either.

The Los Angeles Lakers and the San Antonio Spurs, two teams that have combined to win seven of the last nine NBA titles, boast four of the last nine MVP’s, and have met in the post-season five times since 1999, will be in the spotlight in the coming weeks. But unlike “Rambo” earlier this year, the latest volume of this serial rivalry should live up to its predecessors, with a few dramatic twists and differences involved.

Kobe is still uncomfortable with Serbia's
dump-taking customs.

There are many little things to look forward to in this series: Robert Horry body-checking Sasha Vujacic into Jack Nicholson’s lap, Manu Ginobili throwing up countless and ridiculously-exaggerated ball fakes from the three-point line, Phil Jackson’s gay jokes, Tim Duncan’s emotional outbreaks that look more like hilarious epileptic seizures, Joey Crawford throwing him out for annoying him, David Robinson looking regal, Michael Finley looking old, Luke Walton looking ugly, Ronny Turiaf looking uglier, and Kobe Bryant’s everlasting pursuit of being viewed as a saint.

After demanding to play on Pluto last summer, Kobe took on a slightly different role in the Laker offense this year: still a leader, but emerging as a director and distributor. Pau Gasol should force Tim Duncan and Fabricio Oberto to play some aggressive interior defense and give up fouls early, and Lamar Odom should be a matchup issue for anyone on the Spurs front line.

But on the other hand, Tony Parker has found his shooting range over the past several games, but will also blow past high picks and ultimately kick the rock out to Ginobili, who will amazingly and conspicuously open to bury a trey.

The younger Lakers, suddenly the flavor of the year, seem to have the talent to dethrone the suddenly aging Spurs, but San Antonio has such an annoying knack to find a way to accomplish things deemed unlikely by their doubters.

In the words of the wise Terrell Eldorado Owens, get cha’ popcorn ready. This one’s going the distance. Lakers in 7.

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OLD GEORGE

Denver coach goes under the knife


Nuggets head coach George Karl underwent left hip replacement surgery on Tuesday, along with colon exploratory surgery that revealed a ragged boot belonging to the Los Angeles Lakers. Coach Karl should be walking cane-less in ten days or so.

No one could see this coming? Royal rumbles, like the one displayed below, are not too kind to rotund, 57-year-old professional sports coaches.



No word yet if defense implant surgery was successful.

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HE SAID NO, NO, NO....

Lester unhittable, solidifies spot in rotation

Lester celebrates with the 37-foot
doubles factory in the background

It was not even two years ago that the no-hitter seemed to be lost art and missing in action, a la Dave Chappelle and his escape to Africa, a drought which can primarily be attributed to the cream, the clear, flaxseed oil, and heads the size of multi-colored beach balls. However, with the “Steroid Era” in baseball seemingly in its waning stages (and who knows if that is even true) coupled with more rigid performance-enhancing drug testing, good pitching has come back in full force to dominate good hitting. Don’t these players know that there is no HGH test yet? Get at it, fellas!

Red Sox southpaw Jon Lester threw 2008’s first no-no against the Murderer’s Row of Kansas City on Monday, the fourth such pitching performance in the last 13 months, and the second straight Boston pitcher to do so, after Clay Buchholz took “Baseball Tonight” by storm last September after no-hitting the O’s. Looks like the two youngsters have a big reason to hold their heads up high as they walk past the lockers of rotation-mainstays Beckett, Matsuzaka, and even Schilling, should he ever stop running his mouth from the DL and pick up an onion sometime this century.

The former bald-headed chemo patient garnered his third W of the season, fanning nine Royals and walking a pair in the process.

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CASH OUT

Chuck undergoes self-intervention, World laughs

Well-versed basketball analyst, casino aficionado, and zero-time NBA champion Charles Barkley spoke out about his self-admitted gambling problems on Monday, finally realizing “enough is enough” and asked to be colored up.

After reports that he owed the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas a tidy sum of $400,000 USD, the Round Mound publicly declared that his wagering days are over…at least for now.

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line. I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble."

Later, Barkley took some heavy action on Big Brown, the Lakers, Barack Obama in November’s election, and himself having the ugliest golf swing in history.

Remember folks, he is not a role model.

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TO FINISH OR NOT TO FINISH

Celts fall flat again (surprise), Lakers roll on

Monday! Monday! Monday!

The seemingly endless, often ugly, so annoyingly predictable, and just plain boring Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NBA Playoffs will graciously come to a needy conclusion by the beginning of next week, much to the joy of almost everyone sans the fans in the unfortunate losing cities.

Throughout the regular season, the Boston Celtics seemed to display the attitude, poise, and demeanor of champions, despite the well-known lack of June jewelry on the fingers of any of their starting five. This was the team that won 31 games outside the state of Massachusetts. This is the team that line-danced victoriously through the dreaded Texas triangle while chewing on toothpicks. It’s hard to believe that a team so dominant throughout the long season has struggled so embarrassingly on opposing courts, dropping to a vomit-inducing 0-6 playoff road record after succumbing to LeBron James and the Cavs, 74-69, on Friday night.

That’s right, the final count after 48 brutal minutes was 74 to 69. It is widely known in basketball circles that both Boston and Cleveland pride themselves on their ability to deny points, boasting league-best defenders in KG and Ben Wallace, not to mention Anderson Varejao, his four limbs, and forty fro curls to contest every shot. But come on. Sixty-nine points? Get out of the masonry yard.

This isn’t like watching a pitching duel. Watching basketball defensive dominance coupled with offensive shortcomings sucks. It sucks more than hearing a cheerleading “DE-FENSE” chant blaring from the PA system at the Quicken Loans Arena literally every single time the C’s brought the rock upcourt.

I found myself continuing to watch the game just to see Sam Cassell throw playing-time tantrums while lying on the floor staring up at the rafters.

In Friday’s other game, Kobe Bean put up 34 points and the Lakers fended off a late fierce Utah rally to close out the Jazz in six games in front of nearly 20,000 angry white people screaming “Ref, you suck!” in eerie unison. It marked only the second time the Lakers won a ball game in Utah and only the second victory for a road team in the second round.

So two decisive final games are set. The Cavs and Celtics painfully clash one last time this season on Sunday, while Monday’s Game 7 showcases Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets, and a league-wide and nearly ironclad home-court edge square off against the defending-champion Spurs.

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ROUNDERS MOUND

Barkley could face criminal charges


Sir Charles Barkley, NBA Hall of Famer, TNT analyst, and notorious Las Vegas patron may need to call up buddy Dwayne Wade to shoot a few more T-Mobile commercials this summer. Barkley could face charges stemming from a refusal to repay the Wynn Resort a $400,000 debt he stemming from last October. The Wynn reported that Barkley received 4 $100,000 markers, but had not yet paid the resort back, despite numerous attempts for restitution.

When Chuck was finally reached Thursday playing in a Pro-Am in Alabama, with money on the line, no doubt, he owned up to the mistake and vowed to pay back the gambling debt in full. Furthermore, he went on to say the debt stemmed from a loss suffered during the Super Bowl and not from the October incident as was reported, a loss that caused Barkley to become "depressed" over the $400 grand he lost on the Patriots. The Round Mound can now empathize with the majority of fantasy owners and officially laminate his "Screwed by Tom Brady" club. No word on whether Barkley will call up Kevin Spacey for some blackjack advice.

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TAYSHAUN-DAY

Pistons rain over Orlando, advance to East Finals

Detroit flyin

Tayshaun Prince made sure Hedo Turkoglu wasn’t successful in pitching the movie sequel, “European Swingmen Can’t Jump” by sending away the Orlando Magic’s last second dunk attempt, and sending Orlando fishing for the summer. With the 91-86 victory, the Detroit Pistons yet again advanced to the Eastern Conference finals, their 6th consecutive trip, despite missing point guard Chauncy Billups once more with the lame hammy.

Billups’ decision to play it safe or, really, realizing that Orlando’s chances of coming back in the series were as low as Adonal Foyle’s minutes per game, allowed several Pistons to pick up the load. Richard Hamilton once again led the way with 31 points, as well as 17-11 from Antonio McDyess and 15 points from rookie guard Rodney Stuckey stepping up in Billups’ spot.

The Pistons threw bricks towards the rim all night, shooting just 36% to the Magic’s 48%. However, going 28-32 from the charity stripe, as well as a 21-3 turnover advantage offset Detroit’s total lack of an offensive game. The 3 turnovers were an NBA Playoff low, while the Magic suffered a playoff-high with their 21 givebacks.

After both teams traded baskets in a closely contested second half, the Pistons pulled away in the fourth with a furious 13-3 run. However, the Magic stormed back late to pull within one with just under four minutes remaining, but used up every once of reserve magic in making the game close at the end, unable to take advantage. After sinking back-to-back buckets with a minute left, Turkoglu assumed the role of Superman from his teammate in the game's waning moments. Down three, Turkoglu questionably drove towards the rim instead of going for the tie, and tried to spike the ball, a la Lebron James last night, over the waiting Pistons. Unfortunately, Hedo’s heroic attempt backfired, instead had a complete Anderson Varejao moment, as Prince sent the ball away to secure the series-clinching victory.

whoops...

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THE DAY AFTER

LeBron tells mom her day was yesterday

In an 88-77 victory to tie up their Semifinal series against Boston, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers gave his mother a belated gift: a hearty can of "Sit Yo' Azz Down!" How cute is that?

With the series tied at two games apiece, the drama shifts back to "Titletown" and the TD Banknorth Garden (rolls right off the tongue). It appears to be simple: the Celtics dominate at home and lose on the road, which, with their home court advantage throughout, they can ride all the way to the trophy.

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TONY SOPRANO?

Cowboys' QB serenades the Cubbie faithful


Congratulations, Ozzy. You now can relinquish your title as "Worst 7th-Inning Stretch Singer in Wrigley History" and hand over the trophy to none other than our Guy-Gone-Wild, Mr. Anthony Romo, at least for the time being.

With a team loaded with more explosive personalities than another annoying season of "The Real World", Tony wanted to take a load off, and what better way to do that than agree to butcher "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in front of 40,000 Bears' fans.

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IF YOU WANT THINGS DONE RIGHT....

Indians second baseman completes the game's rarest of rarities


Cleveland's Asdrubal Cabrera snagged a hot line drive, stepped on a bag, and tagged a guy in the chest...or an unassisted triple play, if you want to be cool about it. Monday marked only the fourteenth time the feat has occurred in the history of Major League Baseball, less than the number of perfect games and four-jack days, so please write down what you did today so that one day, you have an answer to your children's inevitable question, "What were you doing on the day Asdrubal Cabrera got that TP?"

Well done, As-Cab.

VIDEO

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KB'S DAY OUT

Bryant tops ceremony with Game 2 victory


Kobe Bryant fanatics worldwide, and haters alike, can pretty much agree that Bryant had a pretty damn good day Wednesday, a day after officially accepting his first Most Valuable Player award and stripping it from the 3 year stranglehold of pasty foreigners with weird hair. Bryant took the handoff from The Commish, who called Bryant "the brightest star of all stars" or something like that, hoisted the Maurice Podoloff for the Staples Center contingent, and then proceeded to beat down the Utah Jazz 120-110 to take a 2-0 series lead.

The Lakers' seemed to be able to score from all over the hardwood as 4 starters poured at least 19 points, including Kobe's 34, Derek Fisher's 22 against his former squad, and 19-16 from Lamar Odom. Deron Williams' 25 point and 10 dimes were the lone bright spot for the Jazz, as Carlos Boozer brokeout in forehead acne only, chipping in a measly 10 points on 3-10 shooting. The series shifts back to the Utah mountains where the Jazz of course have enjoyed an incredible 37-4 home record this season in front of their extended (literally) family.

For Bryant, it just goes to show you how productive "an idiot" owner can be when he's pushed, and what good a ridiculous offseason tirade throwing teammates and management under a bus can bring. Lucky for Bryant and his big mouth, Mitch Kupchack had the nerve not to ship Kobe to Chicago, and instead pulled off one of the greatest heists in recent memory. Kupchack turned The Uber-bust of all busts into All-Star and second fiddle, Pau Gasol, and gave the Lakers the edge to make it back to the Finals. Apparently, Stephen A. agreed. But, I digress. Winning heals all wounds, and as the Lakers enjoyed chemistry not seen in Southern Cali since the early 2000s, memories of the summer drama vanished as victories piled up this season. Bryant simply had a better season than Chris Paul's spectacular campaign, whose time will eventually. Bryant's paid his dues, put up several MVP-worthy seasons, and this was simply the time, deservedly so, to acknowledge the greatest player on the planet's valuable-ness.

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UGLIER THAN THOU

Celtics squeeze out win, LeBron stays late to measure the baskets

After throwing up enough bricks to rebuild half of Southeast Asia, King James and the Pips fell to the top-seeded Celtics by a NCAA-like final score of 76-72 in Game 1 of the East Semis, much to the dismay of thousands of bloated couch-dwelling Clevelanders still digesting their 23-cent Papa John pizzas. In a game with statistics that would make Dr. Jack Ramsay turn in his grave (a combined 36% field-goal percentage and 38 total turnovers), LeBron nearly put together the ugliest triple-double in playoff history, going an abysmal 2-for-18 from the parquet floor and ten turnovers to go along with nine boards and nine helpers in a losing effort.

The Chosen One could attribute his sub-par performance to post-season jitters, the pressure of carrying the team on his shoulders, or simply the heebie-jeebies of being in his beloved Evil Empire’s enemy territory. James could have seen a tough shooting night coming while sight-seeing earlier in the week when he couldn’t hit the Atlantic Ocean from a beach on Cape Cod. The Celtic Faithful (forget the nineties) responded by awarding him the “Best Actor in a Fouled Role” after supposedly exaggerating a flagrant foul courtesy of Sam I Am late in the first half.

LeBron misses a potential tying lay-up in the final seconds

Aside from Gahhh-nett and Rondo, basketball did not look that all that much prettier for the C’s, who walked away with a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series. The rest of the Boston Three Party turned out to be party poopers, combining for four points and nine rebounds. Ray Allen a.k.a. Jesus Shuttlesworth went 0-for-a-lucky-4 from the field in a brutal 37 minutes and ended up with as many points as Danny Ainge, the first time Allen has been blanked since his rookie season in 1996.

Wait, Dr. Ramsay is still alive? Get the hell outta here....

All things considered, Boston takes a much-needed pivotal early lead in the series after being taken to the limit by Zaza’s Hawks, while the Cavs look to regroup and take Game 2 on Thursday at the Garden, where hopefully the hoop lids will be taken off.

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KERRY-ED AWAY

Tuesday marks the ten-year anniversary of a young, brash, and infinitely-healthier rookie hurler Kerry Wood punching out TWENTY Astros on the way to a one-hit complete-game victory at Wrigley. Now a permanent fixture in the 'pen, Kerry can have a beer and remember a time that wasn't too long ago, but yet seem so far, far away....

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THE PURSUIT OF ELOQUENCE

Zaza Pachulia's motivational speaking seminar tour started last Friday following the conclusion of Altanta's Game 6 victory over Boston, and it will surely be a undeniable success for the 24-year-old Georgian.

There really was "nothing easy" in Game 7 for the Hawks on Sunday, who were trounced by 34 points.

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THERE CAN ONLY BE ZOHAN... AND BARON

Boom and Zohan Spoof

From aerodynamics

Further proof that Baron's one of the league's most entertaining personalities. Though I don't think he's cut his hair since the season ended.

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COLT GUN AND RUN

Harrison in alleged shooting

Keep running, starvin marvin

Another Indiana professional athlete may be facing some legal action for taking gun practice outdoors. And this time, it’s not an Indiana Pacer. Colts pro bowl receiver Marvin Harrison, the state’s 2nd biggest athlete behind Peyton Manning, is alleged to have shot at a fleeing patron outside of his hometown Philadelphia bar, Playmakers, after an argument and fistfight broke out between Marvin and said patron. The patron was struck in the hand, and a young girl was struck by flying glass shattered from a nearby car window.

Tests showed that the gun fired did indeed belong to Marvin, one of a ridiculous 25 pieces registered under his name. Harrison claimed he owned a similar gun, but it had not left his Philly home. The gun was found in a bucket at a Harrison-owned car wash, and it was determined that gun had indeed fired seven shots. Whoops.

Known for being one of the best receivers in the game, his quiet demeanor on and off the field, and being a veteran leader in the Colts’ locker room, this shocking allegation comes after Harrison’s least productive, injury-filled season last year. Although, his numbers may pick up after being Michael Vick's main target next year in lockdown.

You'll be alright, Marvin

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MOTOWN SOUND

76ers eliminated; Magic await Pistons


While the Washington Wizards were putting on their best in-your-grill, 80's Bad Boys-era Pistons against MJ impression against Lebron James last week, the modern era Pistons were lacking the intestinal fortitude and dominance they displayed during regular season early in their set with the 76ers. The 76ers stormed out of the gates in the series, winning the initial game in Motown and then taking a 2-1 series lead with a convincing 95-75 victory last Friday in Philly. Perhaps nobody expected the 76ers to take the series, but the energy the Pistons showed, basically none, was unexpected for this veteran team. The 76ers played a balls-to-the-wall, frentic-paced style in their victories and ran circles around the Pistons. That is, until the Pistons decided to play for real and finally disposed of the 76ers on their home court in six.

The Pistons were led by 24 from Rip Hamilton, as well as 20 and 7 assists from Chauncy Billiups in the winning effort, which was never in doubt from the beginning. The Pistons ran the score up early just as they did in game 5, and cruised from there. No Iggy exerting his will whenever and wherever, no Thaddeus Young electrifying and lifting his teammates, no Andre Miller matching and even outplaying Chauncy as he did in the first few games.

This was a thorough whipping, one that was expected but came far later than it should have in the minds many. The young 76ers woke the Pistons up, played their pace and, with maybe a little bit of luck, won a couple games. The Pistons finally showed up to win the next 3 games in their style, upping the defensive pressure and forcing turnovers, but more so making the 76ers take contested shots that led to just 34% shooting in the final game.

The Pistons will need to maintain the recent intensity level as they now face the rested Magic, who will probably bring a lot of the same energy and attacking style the 76ers deployed. With as good an inside-outside game as any in the league, the Pistons have their work cut out for them. 20/20 man Dwight Howard is no Samuel Dalembert and can punish inside all day long, while Orlando also has a number of players who can hit from outside.

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THE PRODIGAL SUNS

After digging own grave, Phoenix closes own casket and delivers eulogy

The fourth quarter of Game 5 of the Spurs/Suns playoff set was a virtual microcosm of the entire series, nay, the entire Suns season. After retooling, re-strategizing, re-thinking their own run-and-gun basketball methods, and giving themselves every opportunity to be in a position to come out on top, the suddenly aging Suns end another thriving season as losers, a predicament that has grown into a tiresome annual tradition.

"High Five!"

This was the series that Steve Kerr was brought in for. This was the series that the “Most Dominant Ever” was wooed in for, cape and all. This was the series that was on the minds of everyone involved in the organization since last July. After being ousted at the hands of perfectly-programmed robots known as the Spurs in three of the last five seasons, this was the year that everyone in Arizona felt was finally the year that the Suns leaped over old cumbersome hurdles on their way to Finals glory. It will have to wait another painful year.

You can dispose of those Game 6 tickets, Suns fans. It’s time to sell them to a blind kid and sport your D-Backs jersey full-time.

Is Mike D’Antoni to blame? Possibly. Can the finger be pointed at Steve Kerr? It can and probably will. But neither of those two turned the ball over seven times in the final quarter, including a couple scarce Nash dishing gaffes and an air-mail package sent via Boris Diaw that flew across the floor and into the hands of Ian Mahinmi keeping his seat on the Spurs bench nice and toasty, quite possibly his first touch of the season. Neither of those two missed 17 foul shots in an elimination game (well, one could argue that Kerr missed those free throws vicariously throw O’Neal).

The Spurs, on the other hand, will strap on their golden chaps, saddle up, and head forward into very well-known territory: deeper and deeper into the West Playoffs. In fact, if history holds true, their closeout victory over the Suns bodes particularly well: each time they have beaten their rivals from the desert in the post-season since 2003, they have gone on to win an NBA Finals that absolutely no one watched or cared about.

It all seemed so familiar: squeaky-clean David the Admiral sitting courtside, flashing lights in the shape of a buckaroo and bronco lighting up the rafters at the AT&T Center, and Timmay Duncan putting the series away with a pair of last-second free throws amongst a bombardment of ridiculous “M.V.P.” chants. In the West Semis, San Antonio draws an increasingly confident New Orleans Hornets team who exiled the Mavs and look to take down another Southwestern Division foe.

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CELTIC SLIDE

Celtics get A-Town Stomped; Series tied 2-2

Back to Beantown

If there was one thing we learned from last year’s playoffs, its that there’s no such thing as a sure thing. Just ask Dirk Nowitzki. His Dallas Mavericks, with their incredible, league-best 67-15 record, top billing in the Western Conference and 6th best record of all time, met the lowly Golden State Warriors, an upstart team who hadn’t made the playoffs in over a decade. It was supposed to be an easy victory, a lock to advance for a team with championship aspirations, and nothing less. Of course, we know what happened after that.

This season, the Boston Celtics have been championship contenders all season, even back to early summer when the Big Three 2.0 left New Englanders itching for their first championship in 22 years. They were matched up with the Atlanta Hawks, a lowly 8th seed with the worst record of any playoff team, and first time playoff-participants in nearly a decade. Sound familiar? After easily winning the first two games in the Garden, and making the Hawks look like merely a JV squad unable to hang with the big boys, the series shifted to Hotlanta. And then things got interesting. Believe it or not, the young Hawks emerged to tie the series tonight and delivered a solid blow to Goliath’s green mug with a 97-92 victory. This may be history in the making… again.


Joe Johnson poured in 35 points, an amazing 20 coming in the final frame, while Josh Smith nearly matched his teammate with 28 as well. Johnson and the Hawks showed the veteran poise usually expected from the Celtics and seemed to want it more, outscoring Boston 32-17 in the fourth. Things got heated in the second when Zaza Pachulia got in the face of Kevin Garnett after his errant loose elbow connected with with Pachulia. It was a testament that this series is far from over, and that Boston has it coming if they think the Hawks are going to keel over so easily.

The overconfident Celtics, who all season long have looked as poised and mature as any team not named the San Antonio Spurs, have all of a sudden looked frustrated and capable of being knocked down. The Celtics thought they were capable of beating the Hawks at their own style, a mistake that just tied this series. While the Celtics will more than likely come back and take this series, starting back in Boston on Wednesday, they look vulnerable, capable of being had. But there’s a chink in their armor, the Big Three don’t look as big, and a four game sweep as all of a sudden turned into a best of 3.

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AL BE GETTING OWNED

Hawks center thinks this is the SEC

Billy Donovan obviously does not talk to his players about what to expect and how to handle themselves amongst the NBA ranks. After Joakim Noah was suspended earlier after his team essentially voted him off at Bulls' tribal council, and Corey Brewer got owned by the rim on a fast break, Al Horford is the latest ex-Gator to make a "splash" in the pro game after taunting ten-year veteran Paul Pierce after nailing a mundane jumpshot in Atlanta's Game 3 win over the Celtics. Pierce did not take the act lightly, walking nearly all the way to the Hawks' bench during the ensuing timeout.

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HIGH FIVE

Mavs forward “takes a hit”

Down 2 games to a younger and less-experienced Hornets team while shooting a dismal 27% from the floor probably isn’t the best time to admit that you “love weed”. But this is the predicament that All-Star Josh Howard finds himself in after openly discussing his marijuana habits on Michael Irvin’s radio show last Friday, much to the dismay of his agent, publicist, coach, owner, and commissioner.

Who knew?

Howard candidly described his off-season drug use as his “personal choice and personal opinion” after stating that he would not smoke marijuana during the season even if the league did not have a random testing structure. The former Wake Forest star also added that “everybody in the media world and in the sports world knows that NBA players do smoke marijuana,” to which out-ed players around the league responded by sending him thank-you cards.

The consequences for his confessional soliloquy has not been determined by either the Mavericks organization or the league’s front office, while Commissioner David Stern later called to thank Howard for yet another “image problem” amongst the players in his league, to which Howard offered no response except the slightly-audible sounds of bubbling water. One possible solution might include perhaps mandating the wearing of “I Pass On Grass” pins on everyone’s lapels during official NBA engagements, while “where getting baked happens” ads were immediately pulled.

Hours later, the Mavs, back on their home floor at American Airlines Center, ripped the New Orleans Hornets for their first win of the series; no word yet on if Howard was ripped.

The league mandates four random drug tests for every player from October to June, however, it takes three positive piss tests before a suspension or public knowledge of a player’s recreational drug use.

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ENTER PACMAN

Titans, Cowboys agree on terms for Adam Jones

The hoopla is finally over in Nashville, and will just begin in the Big D. The Tennessee Titans and the Dallas Cowpokes agreed in principle to exchange the former West Virginia Mountaineer Adam “Pac-Man” Jones for still-undisclosed terms, but sources are reporting a possible fourth-round pick in the draft this weekend, along with a future pick should Pac-Man actually lace up his cleats this upcoming season. Both teams confirmed the deal on Wednesday and will await approval from the NFL front office.

The move from America’s team marks the second time in as many years that Jerry Jones has welcomed a player coming off of a high-profile, long-term suspension as a result of multiple mug shots. Last November, the Cowboys brought in tackle Tank Johnson after he sat out eight games before eventually being released by da Bears.

Should he finally get reinstated into the league, Jones will have to put other extra-curricular activities on hold, including his professional wrestling tag duo “Team Pacman” which was wrestling under the Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA) promotion, and his hip-hop record label National Street League.

Jones was drafted sixth overall in the 2005 draft by the Tennessee Titans at cornerback and enjoyed his best season during his sophomore campaign, in which he recorded 62 tackles, a sack, one fumble forced, twelve tips, and four picks (one pick-six). However, he arguably shined brightest during kick and punt returns (averaging a league-leading 12.9 yards per return), where he darted and danced by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde, eating countless dots along the way.

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SHAUN OF THE UNEMPLOYED

Seahawks cut 2005 MVP


On Tuesday, the Seattle Seahawks cut ties with the franchise’s all time leading rusher and 2005 NFL MVP, just 2 years after leading Seattle to Super Bowl XL which ended in defeat to the Pittsburg Steelers. Alexander enjoyed a stellar 2005 season, leading the league in several categories, including rushing yards (1,880) and touchdowns (28). After his stellar and historic run into the record books, Alexander ran his way into the Seahawks bank vault, making out with an 8-year, $62 million dollar, and the richest running back contract at the time. But with a fateful decision that would seal his career fate for a quick dollar, Alexander agreed to appear on the cover of the following season’s Madden 2007, and life would never be the same for #37.

Weighed down in the backfield with all his new found green, if not elevated expectations, as well as the Madden Curse in the air, Alexander suffered his worst season since his rookie year in 2000. Appearing in just 10 games, Alexander recorded a mere 7 touchdowns and 896 rushing yards, while recording a career high 6 fumbles in limited action. 2007 was even worse than 2006, as Alexander suffered another setback. This time to the wrist, much to the dismay of Seahawk fans and fantasy football owners alike, Shaun finished his Seahawks career by scoring 4 touchdowns and rushing for 716 yards in 13 games.

Looking to go in a new direction, the Seahawks cut ties with the main cog in Seattle offense that has made the playoffs for the past 5 seasons. The move leaves quarterback and soup pitchman Matt Hasselbeck to hand the ball off to new backfield mates Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett to fill Alexander’s big shoes. Alexander, now a 30 year old veteran and coming off two injury-plagued seasons, seeks a new employer to take his gap-toothed grin, along with his veteran presence and experience, to a fresh new start.

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