LAKERS-CELTICS: Look Back

From disappointment to redemption:
Looking back on the Celtics and Lakers' past year.


I. Last Year

As a franchise so rich in history and tradition faded further into the New England sports background behind the likes of the suddenly-perennial Series-winning Red Sox and the Handycam-wielding, perfection-challenging Patriots, the Celtics began to look into the mirror and hate themselves. And just like an obese person tacks on more weight just to qualify for reserved-for-the-morbidly-obese gastro surgery, the tank brigade was out in full force by January as losses began piling up in bunches, whether purposefully or not, to land the coveted #1 draft pick.

The Lakers’ NBA scoring champ Kobe Bryant along with his some-guys stumbled their way through another season of ups and downs, secured a low playoff seed, and then vanished in the Los Angeles smog before casual Laker fans could settle into their plush seats. The Lakers drew the Phoenix Suns for the second consecutive year and were vanquished in 5, after losing in seven the previous year. That gave the Lakers a whopping non-playoff season followed by 2 straight first round defeats in the 3 years since Shaq left Hollywood, and full custody of the Lakers went to Kobe.


II. Offseason

Feeling good about a nearly forty-percent chance of landing one of the coveted top-two selections in the draft, the Celtics put on their green party hats, had the champagne on ice, and already prepared a brand-new jersey, waiting to be embroidered with either franchise-savior "Oden" or "Durant" between the shoulders. In a moment that can only be considered being kicked when down, general manager Danny Ainge took ping-pong balls to face before being granted the privilege of picking…fifth. PWND. Tim Duncan all over again. In a scene cut from the final broadcast, Doc Rivers had to be restrained from taking the podium to spit out several "Oh, hell no's", Kanye glasses and all. Hope that 23-win season was worth it.

What can be said that hasn’t already about the Laker’s offseason. Lose, sulk, make ridiculous and dramatic demands to management. Andrew Bynum was enemy number one, the entire front office close behind, and Kobe still wanted a new partner to help take on the load: Jason Kidd, Kevin Garnett, Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer. No moves were made, and Kobe wanted to be on the next Southwest flight out to his new team in Chicago.


III. Aftermath

It must have been such an emotionally and morally difficult task for Danny Ainge to look his players in the eyes and tell them that most of them suck, although fans were saying that about Doc for years. The Celtics refused such an insulting draft pick and shipped it as far away as possible to Seattle, along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West to acquire an aging but still-sharpshooting Ray Allen. With relationship trouble brewing in Minnesota between a ring-less Garnett and the Timberwolves, Boston saw another opportunity to climb out of the Eastern cellar and leave the Bobcats and Knicks behind.

KG and Ainge met and immediately fell in love, well at least after Allen was already on board. It also didn’t hurt having an inept, former Celtic GM to work with in Kevin McHale, as the Celtics sent Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Theo Ratliff, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, a draft pick, a gross of baked beans, a case of Sam Adams, a signed McHale jersey, corned beef, three iPods, and a book of Sudoku's in the hopes that the Wolves would cut off ties with him. Meet the new Boston Big Three.

As he was taking the GM position in Memphis years ago, Jerry West told Kobe that he would do whatever needed to get Kobe another ring. And, it looks like that reality is about to set. Whether this is true or not, it did look a bit suspicious in February after the trade went down, the 2 teams West helped shape and mold, taking part in a heist for the Lakers: All Star Gasol for stone-handed Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton and 2 future crappy, late first round picks.

Looked even more suspicious seeing West on the Staples Center court last week, handing the Western Conference championship trophy to Bryant, chit-chatting with Pau, and realizing his promise was finally coming to fruition. While West has repeatedly denied being involved in the trade, perhaps he was really doing the Grizzlies a favor, secretly knowing that Kwame would eventually drop the bust label after 7 years and become the next Kareem down low for years in Memphis. Maybe not.

So the rest is regular season history. The top team in the West squares off against the top team in the East. Lakers-Celtics, and a rivalry renewed. KG finally playing in his first NBA Finals. Kobe finally getting back sans Shaq. While both teams have taken extremely different paths through the years getting back to this point, here we are. A fitting culmination to one of the best seasons in recent memory. Congrats, David Stern.

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TOP NBA FLOPS

With the announcement coming down this week from the League office that clear and egregious flops will be penalized starting next year, a compilation of youtube's finest flops, before they disappear forever...

7. Baron Davis vs. Mehmet Okur



This Baron flop is more hilarious than heinous. A harmless flop after the play that didn't get called, drew giggles from the Warriors TV broadcasters, and a priceless reaction from Okur. Although, Baron's flop had to be retaliation for this...

6. AK47 vs. Matt Barnes



With the Warriors' playoff run coming to an end in Utah, Kirilenko pulled out a grand flop from his arsenal in the final minute. Going for a rebound, after a made free throw no less, AK47 apparently gets blasted by tank-like Barnes, draws Barnes' sixth foul and helps seal the win for the Jazz. Perhaps it was the only way AK47 knew how to respond to this little number.

5. Robert Horry vs. Carlos Boozer



Another Big Flop Bob classic. You have to expect some kind of cheap shot every year from Horry during the playoffs, and this flop from last year's WCF was no exception. Perfect form, minimal contact leading to the 10 foot slide backwards, playing it off just enough to grant you a trip from the line. One of the best.


4. Shaquille O'Neal vs. Tim Duncan



Remember the days when Shaq used to be the most dominant force in the league? When nobody dared enter Shaq's lane against without the danger of a size 22 boot up your ass? Well, those days are gone and Shaq will pull whatever trick he can get his old body to do on defense. Making it all the more hilarious is Shaq's wrath for those Spurs wusses who flop like there's no tomorrow.
3. Pau Gasol vs. Dwight Howard/Hedo Turkoglu



With the first flop by Gasol not even 2 minutes into the game, you know its going to be a long night for the Magic defense. Poor Pau gets bulldozed by bully Howard twice on equally ridiculous offensive fouls, and then gets blasted later by equally-menacing Turkoglu. The calls angered Howard so much he began spewing Bible verses praying for Gasol's cheating soul.

2. Vlade Divac vs. The NBA



In case an elderly, graying Vlade Divac ever looked back on his life and playing career and wondered just what kind of legacy he left on the world he need not look further than this video. of ballers past and present who fondly recall the gift of the flop he bestowed NBA fans for many years. However, after Vlade hung up his sneaks, there's been a new King of Flop flying to free through lines in NBA cities for years...

1. Manu Ginobili vs. The World





If the NBA ruling for flopping penalties can be pointed to the acts of one NBA player, it has to be the Spurs' Argentinean sixth man. Manu, for how great he plays and contributes to the Spurs machine, still relies on the flop while playing defense, to the ire of fans, coaches and players alike. Thinning hair flying, mouth gaping and limbs flailing, Manu has take the flop to a whole new, albeit annoying, level. Here's hoping the new ruling takes the flop away and rewards some actual defense to be played.

Honorable mention: Derek Fisher, Raja Bell

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BULLS-HIT JACKPOT

As everybody knows the Bulls struck lottery gold last night, beating 1.7% odds of landing the top pick in the June Draft. Just like last year there are 2 major prospects, Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose, that John Paxson can’t wait to get his triple title-ringed hands on. A season removed from their most successful run since MJ owned United, this pick should pay immediate dividends for the Bulls getting back to the playoffs. Or, will it? Just some random musings…

-The Bulls can’t lose with the top pick. That is, unless their pick winds up needing some crazy season-ending microfracture surgery or something… knock on wood. Since neither Beasley nor Rose looks to be 21 going on 57, Bulls fans need not worry. After seeing the carnage CP3 and Deron Williams left behind during the playoffs, the Bulls would do just fine picking hometown boy Rose, who has the total game to join their ranks very soon. But adding Beasley in the frontcourt would probably help Bulls fans forget about all the former big men who’ve come in and stunk up the joint or gone elsewhere and improved their games over the years.

-When the camera panned on Steve Schanwald after the #9 envelope was opened, how disappointing was it not to see this guy? Schanwald was the epitome of corporate tool, flashing his tacky gold jewelry, mouth gaped and accepting the #1 pick with class.

Who didn’t want to see Jerry Krause slam the podium with joy when the Bulls initially moved up, have a mild heart attack during commercial break waiting for the final 3 envelopes, and then another when the Bulls finally won. Krause would have gone all Kanye in the studio, flashed a huge grin on his quadruple-chinned face, and made sure Mike D’Antoni felt his wrath.

-Including this year, the Chicago has been home to seven Top 5 picks in the last 10 drafts. SEVEN. That’s not just any lottery pick, that’s a ridiculous amount of very high drafts picks over the last decade.

The good: Elton Brand (#1 in 1999). That’s it. Ben Gordon (#3 in '04) has worked out OK, but he’s no franchise player.

And the bad: Marcus Fizer (#4 in ’00)... Eddy Curry (#4 in ’01)... Jay Williams (#2 in 2002) but that was just an unfortunate incident for everybody involved. And LaMarcus Aldridge (#2 in 2006) who was shipped for Tyrus Thomas. Whoops. The jury's still out on Joakim Noah (#9 last year), but that's a ton of undeveloped frontcourt players who returned very little value for being such high picks.

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FAMILIAR FOES

Spurs and Lakers lock horns yet again

The NBA Playoffs may finally be worth the watch.

The 2008 edition of the Uber-Conference Finals kick off on Wednesday night, and after a turbulent, chaotic, and outwardly unpredictable Western Conference regular season, no one can really say there are any surprises now that the final two are set.

This year’s league darlings, the New Orleans Hornets, won’t be there after their lack of big-game experience allowed them to squander a 2-0 and 3-2 series lead. The Phoenix Suns, whose championship window appears to be rapidly closing shut and whose 2008 season resembled a “small-stack” poker player going in for one last all-or-nothing hurrah, won’t be playing ball either.

The Los Angeles Lakers and the San Antonio Spurs, two teams that have combined to win seven of the last nine NBA titles, boast four of the last nine MVP’s, and have met in the post-season five times since 1999, will be in the spotlight in the coming weeks. But unlike “Rambo” earlier this year, the latest volume of this serial rivalry should live up to its predecessors, with a few dramatic twists and differences involved.

Kobe is still uncomfortable with Serbia's
dump-taking customs.

There are many little things to look forward to in this series: Robert Horry body-checking Sasha Vujacic into Jack Nicholson’s lap, Manu Ginobili throwing up countless and ridiculously-exaggerated ball fakes from the three-point line, Phil Jackson’s gay jokes, Tim Duncan’s emotional outbreaks that look more like hilarious epileptic seizures, Joey Crawford throwing him out for annoying him, David Robinson looking regal, Michael Finley looking old, Luke Walton looking ugly, Ronny Turiaf looking uglier, and Kobe Bryant’s everlasting pursuit of being viewed as a saint.

After demanding to play on Pluto last summer, Kobe took on a slightly different role in the Laker offense this year: still a leader, but emerging as a director and distributor. Pau Gasol should force Tim Duncan and Fabricio Oberto to play some aggressive interior defense and give up fouls early, and Lamar Odom should be a matchup issue for anyone on the Spurs front line.

But on the other hand, Tony Parker has found his shooting range over the past several games, but will also blow past high picks and ultimately kick the rock out to Ginobili, who will amazingly and conspicuously open to bury a trey.

The younger Lakers, suddenly the flavor of the year, seem to have the talent to dethrone the suddenly aging Spurs, but San Antonio has such an annoying knack to find a way to accomplish things deemed unlikely by their doubters.

In the words of the wise Terrell Eldorado Owens, get cha’ popcorn ready. This one’s going the distance. Lakers in 7.

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OLD GEORGE

Denver coach goes under the knife


Nuggets head coach George Karl underwent left hip replacement surgery on Tuesday, along with colon exploratory surgery that revealed a ragged boot belonging to the Los Angeles Lakers. Coach Karl should be walking cane-less in ten days or so.

No one could see this coming? Royal rumbles, like the one displayed below, are not too kind to rotund, 57-year-old professional sports coaches.



No word yet if defense implant surgery was successful.

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HE SAID NO, NO, NO....

Lester unhittable, solidifies spot in rotation

Lester celebrates with the 37-foot
doubles factory in the background

It was not even two years ago that the no-hitter seemed to be lost art and missing in action, a la Dave Chappelle and his escape to Africa, a drought which can primarily be attributed to the cream, the clear, flaxseed oil, and heads the size of multi-colored beach balls. However, with the “Steroid Era” in baseball seemingly in its waning stages (and who knows if that is even true) coupled with more rigid performance-enhancing drug testing, good pitching has come back in full force to dominate good hitting. Don’t these players know that there is no HGH test yet? Get at it, fellas!

Red Sox southpaw Jon Lester threw 2008’s first no-no against the Murderer’s Row of Kansas City on Monday, the fourth such pitching performance in the last 13 months, and the second straight Boston pitcher to do so, after Clay Buchholz took “Baseball Tonight” by storm last September after no-hitting the O’s. Looks like the two youngsters have a big reason to hold their heads up high as they walk past the lockers of rotation-mainstays Beckett, Matsuzaka, and even Schilling, should he ever stop running his mouth from the DL and pick up an onion sometime this century.

The former bald-headed chemo patient garnered his third W of the season, fanning nine Royals and walking a pair in the process.

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CASH OUT

Chuck undergoes self-intervention, World laughs

Well-versed basketball analyst, casino aficionado, and zero-time NBA champion Charles Barkley spoke out about his self-admitted gambling problems on Monday, finally realizing “enough is enough” and asked to be colored up.

After reports that he owed the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas a tidy sum of $400,000 USD, the Round Mound publicly declared that his wagering days are over…at least for now.

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line. I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble."

Later, Barkley took some heavy action on Big Brown, the Lakers, Barack Obama in November’s election, and himself having the ugliest golf swing in history.

Remember folks, he is not a role model.

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