BULLS-HIT JACKPOT

As everybody knows the Bulls struck lottery gold last night, beating 1.7% odds of landing the top pick in the June Draft. Just like last year there are 2 major prospects, Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose, that John Paxson can’t wait to get his triple title-ringed hands on. A season removed from their most successful run since MJ owned United, this pick should pay immediate dividends for the Bulls getting back to the playoffs. Or, will it? Just some random musings…

-The Bulls can’t lose with the top pick. That is, unless their pick winds up needing some crazy season-ending microfracture surgery or something… knock on wood. Since neither Beasley nor Rose looks to be 21 going on 57, Bulls fans need not worry. After seeing the carnage CP3 and Deron Williams left behind during the playoffs, the Bulls would do just fine picking hometown boy Rose, who has the total game to join their ranks very soon. But adding Beasley in the frontcourt would probably help Bulls fans forget about all the former big men who’ve come in and stunk up the joint or gone elsewhere and improved their games over the years.

-When the camera panned on Steve Schanwald after the #9 envelope was opened, how disappointing was it not to see this guy? Schanwald was the epitome of corporate tool, flashing his tacky gold jewelry, mouth gaped and accepting the #1 pick with class.

Who didn’t want to see Jerry Krause slam the podium with joy when the Bulls initially moved up, have a mild heart attack during commercial break waiting for the final 3 envelopes, and then another when the Bulls finally won. Krause would have gone all Kanye in the studio, flashed a huge grin on his quadruple-chinned face, and made sure Mike D’Antoni felt his wrath.

-Including this year, the Chicago has been home to seven Top 5 picks in the last 10 drafts. SEVEN. That’s not just any lottery pick, that’s a ridiculous amount of very high drafts picks over the last decade.

The good: Elton Brand (#1 in 1999). That’s it. Ben Gordon (#3 in '04) has worked out OK, but he’s no franchise player.

And the bad: Marcus Fizer (#4 in ’00)... Eddy Curry (#4 in ’01)... Jay Williams (#2 in 2002) but that was just an unfortunate incident for everybody involved. And LaMarcus Aldridge (#2 in 2006) who was shipped for Tyrus Thomas. Whoops. The jury's still out on Joakim Noah (#9 last year), but that's a ton of undeveloped frontcourt players who returned very little value for being such high picks.

Back to Main Page

FAMILIAR FOES

Spurs and Lakers lock horns yet again

The NBA Playoffs may finally be worth the watch.

The 2008 edition of the Uber-Conference Finals kick off on Wednesday night, and after a turbulent, chaotic, and outwardly unpredictable Western Conference regular season, no one can really say there are any surprises now that the final two are set.

This year’s league darlings, the New Orleans Hornets, won’t be there after their lack of big-game experience allowed them to squander a 2-0 and 3-2 series lead. The Phoenix Suns, whose championship window appears to be rapidly closing shut and whose 2008 season resembled a “small-stack” poker player going in for one last all-or-nothing hurrah, won’t be playing ball either.

The Los Angeles Lakers and the San Antonio Spurs, two teams that have combined to win seven of the last nine NBA titles, boast four of the last nine MVP’s, and have met in the post-season five times since 1999, will be in the spotlight in the coming weeks. But unlike “Rambo” earlier this year, the latest volume of this serial rivalry should live up to its predecessors, with a few dramatic twists and differences involved.

Kobe is still uncomfortable with Serbia's
dump-taking customs.

There are many little things to look forward to in this series: Robert Horry body-checking Sasha Vujacic into Jack Nicholson’s lap, Manu Ginobili throwing up countless and ridiculously-exaggerated ball fakes from the three-point line, Phil Jackson’s gay jokes, Tim Duncan’s emotional outbreaks that look more like hilarious epileptic seizures, Joey Crawford throwing him out for annoying him, David Robinson looking regal, Michael Finley looking old, Luke Walton looking ugly, Ronny Turiaf looking uglier, and Kobe Bryant’s everlasting pursuit of being viewed as a saint.

After demanding to play on Pluto last summer, Kobe took on a slightly different role in the Laker offense this year: still a leader, but emerging as a director and distributor. Pau Gasol should force Tim Duncan and Fabricio Oberto to play some aggressive interior defense and give up fouls early, and Lamar Odom should be a matchup issue for anyone on the Spurs front line.

But on the other hand, Tony Parker has found his shooting range over the past several games, but will also blow past high picks and ultimately kick the rock out to Ginobili, who will amazingly and conspicuously open to bury a trey.

The younger Lakers, suddenly the flavor of the year, seem to have the talent to dethrone the suddenly aging Spurs, but San Antonio has such an annoying knack to find a way to accomplish things deemed unlikely by their doubters.

In the words of the wise Terrell Eldorado Owens, get cha’ popcorn ready. This one’s going the distance. Lakers in 7.

Back to Main Page

OLD GEORGE

Denver coach goes under the knife


Nuggets head coach George Karl underwent left hip replacement surgery on Tuesday, along with colon exploratory surgery that revealed a ragged boot belonging to the Los Angeles Lakers. Coach Karl should be walking cane-less in ten days or so.

No one could see this coming? Royal rumbles, like the one displayed below, are not too kind to rotund, 57-year-old professional sports coaches.



No word yet if defense implant surgery was successful.

Back to Main Page

HE SAID NO, NO, NO....

Lester unhittable, solidifies spot in rotation

Lester celebrates with the 37-foot
doubles factory in the background

It was not even two years ago that the no-hitter seemed to be lost art and missing in action, a la Dave Chappelle and his escape to Africa, a drought which can primarily be attributed to the cream, the clear, flaxseed oil, and heads the size of multi-colored beach balls. However, with the “Steroid Era” in baseball seemingly in its waning stages (and who knows if that is even true) coupled with more rigid performance-enhancing drug testing, good pitching has come back in full force to dominate good hitting. Don’t these players know that there is no HGH test yet? Get at it, fellas!

Red Sox southpaw Jon Lester threw 2008’s first no-no against the Murderer’s Row of Kansas City on Monday, the fourth such pitching performance in the last 13 months, and the second straight Boston pitcher to do so, after Clay Buchholz took “Baseball Tonight” by storm last September after no-hitting the O’s. Looks like the two youngsters have a big reason to hold their heads up high as they walk past the lockers of rotation-mainstays Beckett, Matsuzaka, and even Schilling, should he ever stop running his mouth from the DL and pick up an onion sometime this century.

The former bald-headed chemo patient garnered his third W of the season, fanning nine Royals and walking a pair in the process.

Back to Main Page

CASH OUT

Chuck undergoes self-intervention, World laughs

Well-versed basketball analyst, casino aficionado, and zero-time NBA champion Charles Barkley spoke out about his self-admitted gambling problems on Monday, finally realizing “enough is enough” and asked to be colored up.

After reports that he owed the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas a tidy sum of $400,000 USD, the Round Mound publicly declared that his wagering days are over…at least for now.

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line. I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble."

Later, Barkley took some heavy action on Big Brown, the Lakers, Barack Obama in November’s election, and himself having the ugliest golf swing in history.

Remember folks, he is not a role model.

Back to Main Page

TO FINISH OR NOT TO FINISH

Celts fall flat again (surprise), Lakers roll on

Monday! Monday! Monday!

The seemingly endless, often ugly, so annoyingly predictable, and just plain boring Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NBA Playoffs will graciously come to a needy conclusion by the beginning of next week, much to the joy of almost everyone sans the fans in the unfortunate losing cities.

Throughout the regular season, the Boston Celtics seemed to display the attitude, poise, and demeanor of champions, despite the well-known lack of June jewelry on the fingers of any of their starting five. This was the team that won 31 games outside the state of Massachusetts. This is the team that line-danced victoriously through the dreaded Texas triangle while chewing on toothpicks. It’s hard to believe that a team so dominant throughout the long season has struggled so embarrassingly on opposing courts, dropping to a vomit-inducing 0-6 playoff road record after succumbing to LeBron James and the Cavs, 74-69, on Friday night.

That’s right, the final count after 48 brutal minutes was 74 to 69. It is widely known in basketball circles that both Boston and Cleveland pride themselves on their ability to deny points, boasting league-best defenders in KG and Ben Wallace, not to mention Anderson Varejao, his four limbs, and forty fro curls to contest every shot. But come on. Sixty-nine points? Get out of the masonry yard.

This isn’t like watching a pitching duel. Watching basketball defensive dominance coupled with offensive shortcomings sucks. It sucks more than hearing a cheerleading “DE-FENSE” chant blaring from the PA system at the Quicken Loans Arena literally every single time the C’s brought the rock upcourt.

I found myself continuing to watch the game just to see Sam Cassell throw playing-time tantrums while lying on the floor staring up at the rafters.

In Friday’s other game, Kobe Bean put up 34 points and the Lakers fended off a late fierce Utah rally to close out the Jazz in six games in front of nearly 20,000 angry white people screaming “Ref, you suck!” in eerie unison. It marked only the second time the Lakers won a ball game in Utah and only the second victory for a road team in the second round.

So two decisive final games are set. The Cavs and Celtics painfully clash one last time this season on Sunday, while Monday’s Game 7 showcases Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets, and a league-wide and nearly ironclad home-court edge square off against the defending-champion Spurs.

Back to Main Page

ROUNDERS MOUND

Barkley could face criminal charges


Sir Charles Barkley, NBA Hall of Famer, TNT analyst, and notorious Las Vegas patron may need to call up buddy Dwayne Wade to shoot a few more T-Mobile commercials this summer. Barkley could face charges stemming from a refusal to repay the Wynn Resort a $400,000 debt he stemming from last October. The Wynn reported that Barkley received 4 $100,000 markers, but had not yet paid the resort back, despite numerous attempts for restitution.

When Chuck was finally reached Thursday playing in a Pro-Am in Alabama, with money on the line, no doubt, he owned up to the mistake and vowed to pay back the gambling debt in full. Furthermore, he went on to say the debt stemmed from a loss suffered during the Super Bowl and not from the October incident as was reported, a loss that caused Barkley to become "depressed" over the $400 grand he lost on the Patriots. The Round Mound can now empathize with the majority of fantasy owners and officially laminate his "Screwed by Tom Brady" club. No word on whether Barkley will call up Kevin Spacey for some blackjack advice.

Back to Main Page