HE SAID NO, NO, NO....

Lester unhittable, solidifies spot in rotation

Lester celebrates with the 37-foot
doubles factory in the background

It was not even two years ago that the no-hitter seemed to be lost art and missing in action, a la Dave Chappelle and his escape to Africa, a drought which can primarily be attributed to the cream, the clear, flaxseed oil, and heads the size of multi-colored beach balls. However, with the “Steroid Era” in baseball seemingly in its waning stages (and who knows if that is even true) coupled with more rigid performance-enhancing drug testing, good pitching has come back in full force to dominate good hitting. Don’t these players know that there is no HGH test yet? Get at it, fellas!

Red Sox southpaw Jon Lester threw 2008’s first no-no against the Murderer’s Row of Kansas City on Monday, the fourth such pitching performance in the last 13 months, and the second straight Boston pitcher to do so, after Clay Buchholz took “Baseball Tonight” by storm last September after no-hitting the O’s. Looks like the two youngsters have a big reason to hold their heads up high as they walk past the lockers of rotation-mainstays Beckett, Matsuzaka, and even Schilling, should he ever stop running his mouth from the DL and pick up an onion sometime this century.

The former bald-headed chemo patient garnered his third W of the season, fanning nine Royals and walking a pair in the process.

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CASH OUT

Chuck undergoes self-intervention, World laughs

Well-versed basketball analyst, casino aficionado, and zero-time NBA champion Charles Barkley spoke out about his self-admitted gambling problems on Monday, finally realizing “enough is enough” and asked to be colored up.

After reports that he owed the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas a tidy sum of $400,000 USD, the Round Mound publicly declared that his wagering days are over…at least for now.

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line. I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble."

Later, Barkley took some heavy action on Big Brown, the Lakers, Barack Obama in November’s election, and himself having the ugliest golf swing in history.

Remember folks, he is not a role model.

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TO FINISH OR NOT TO FINISH

Celts fall flat again (surprise), Lakers roll on

Monday! Monday! Monday!

The seemingly endless, often ugly, so annoyingly predictable, and just plain boring Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NBA Playoffs will graciously come to a needy conclusion by the beginning of next week, much to the joy of almost everyone sans the fans in the unfortunate losing cities.

Throughout the regular season, the Boston Celtics seemed to display the attitude, poise, and demeanor of champions, despite the well-known lack of June jewelry on the fingers of any of their starting five. This was the team that won 31 games outside the state of Massachusetts. This is the team that line-danced victoriously through the dreaded Texas triangle while chewing on toothpicks. It’s hard to believe that a team so dominant throughout the long season has struggled so embarrassingly on opposing courts, dropping to a vomit-inducing 0-6 playoff road record after succumbing to LeBron James and the Cavs, 74-69, on Friday night.

That’s right, the final count after 48 brutal minutes was 74 to 69. It is widely known in basketball circles that both Boston and Cleveland pride themselves on their ability to deny points, boasting league-best defenders in KG and Ben Wallace, not to mention Anderson Varejao, his four limbs, and forty fro curls to contest every shot. But come on. Sixty-nine points? Get out of the masonry yard.

This isn’t like watching a pitching duel. Watching basketball defensive dominance coupled with offensive shortcomings sucks. It sucks more than hearing a cheerleading “DE-FENSE” chant blaring from the PA system at the Quicken Loans Arena literally every single time the C’s brought the rock upcourt.

I found myself continuing to watch the game just to see Sam Cassell throw playing-time tantrums while lying on the floor staring up at the rafters.

In Friday’s other game, Kobe Bean put up 34 points and the Lakers fended off a late fierce Utah rally to close out the Jazz in six games in front of nearly 20,000 angry white people screaming “Ref, you suck!” in eerie unison. It marked only the second time the Lakers won a ball game in Utah and only the second victory for a road team in the second round.

So two decisive final games are set. The Cavs and Celtics painfully clash one last time this season on Sunday, while Monday’s Game 7 showcases Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets, and a league-wide and nearly ironclad home-court edge square off against the defending-champion Spurs.

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ROUNDERS MOUND

Barkley could face criminal charges


Sir Charles Barkley, NBA Hall of Famer, TNT analyst, and notorious Las Vegas patron may need to call up buddy Dwayne Wade to shoot a few more T-Mobile commercials this summer. Barkley could face charges stemming from a refusal to repay the Wynn Resort a $400,000 debt he stemming from last October. The Wynn reported that Barkley received 4 $100,000 markers, but had not yet paid the resort back, despite numerous attempts for restitution.

When Chuck was finally reached Thursday playing in a Pro-Am in Alabama, with money on the line, no doubt, he owned up to the mistake and vowed to pay back the gambling debt in full. Furthermore, he went on to say the debt stemmed from a loss suffered during the Super Bowl and not from the October incident as was reported, a loss that caused Barkley to become "depressed" over the $400 grand he lost on the Patriots. The Round Mound can now empathize with the majority of fantasy owners and officially laminate his "Screwed by Tom Brady" club. No word on whether Barkley will call up Kevin Spacey for some blackjack advice.

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TAYSHAUN-DAY

Pistons rain over Orlando, advance to East Finals

Detroit flyin

Tayshaun Prince made sure Hedo Turkoglu wasn’t successful in pitching the movie sequel, “European Swingmen Can’t Jump” by sending away the Orlando Magic’s last second dunk attempt, and sending Orlando fishing for the summer. With the 91-86 victory, the Detroit Pistons yet again advanced to the Eastern Conference finals, their 6th consecutive trip, despite missing point guard Chauncy Billups once more with the lame hammy.

Billups’ decision to play it safe or, really, realizing that Orlando’s chances of coming back in the series were as low as Adonal Foyle’s minutes per game, allowed several Pistons to pick up the load. Richard Hamilton once again led the way with 31 points, as well as 17-11 from Antonio McDyess and 15 points from rookie guard Rodney Stuckey stepping up in Billups’ spot.

The Pistons threw bricks towards the rim all night, shooting just 36% to the Magic’s 48%. However, going 28-32 from the charity stripe, as well as a 21-3 turnover advantage offset Detroit’s total lack of an offensive game. The 3 turnovers were an NBA Playoff low, while the Magic suffered a playoff-high with their 21 givebacks.

After both teams traded baskets in a closely contested second half, the Pistons pulled away in the fourth with a furious 13-3 run. However, the Magic stormed back late to pull within one with just under four minutes remaining, but used up every once of reserve magic in making the game close at the end, unable to take advantage. After sinking back-to-back buckets with a minute left, Turkoglu assumed the role of Superman from his teammate in the game's waning moments. Down three, Turkoglu questionably drove towards the rim instead of going for the tie, and tried to spike the ball, a la Lebron James last night, over the waiting Pistons. Unfortunately, Hedo’s heroic attempt backfired, instead had a complete Anderson Varejao moment, as Prince sent the ball away to secure the series-clinching victory.

whoops...

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THE DAY AFTER

LeBron tells mom her day was yesterday

In an 88-77 victory to tie up their Semifinal series against Boston, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers gave his mother a belated gift: a hearty can of "Sit Yo' Azz Down!" How cute is that?

With the series tied at two games apiece, the drama shifts back to "Titletown" and the TD Banknorth Garden (rolls right off the tongue). It appears to be simple: the Celtics dominate at home and lose on the road, which, with their home court advantage throughout, they can ride all the way to the trophy.

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TONY SOPRANO?

Cowboys' QB serenades the Cubbie faithful


Congratulations, Ozzy. You now can relinquish your title as "Worst 7th-Inning Stretch Singer in Wrigley History" and hand over the trophy to none other than our Guy-Gone-Wild, Mr. Anthony Romo, at least for the time being.

With a team loaded with more explosive personalities than another annoying season of "The Real World", Tony wanted to take a load off, and what better way to do that than agree to butcher "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in front of 40,000 Bears' fans.

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