THE PRODIGAL SUNS

After digging own grave, Phoenix closes own casket and delivers eulogy

The fourth quarter of Game 5 of the Spurs/Suns playoff set was a virtual microcosm of the entire series, nay, the entire Suns season. After retooling, re-strategizing, re-thinking their own run-and-gun basketball methods, and giving themselves every opportunity to be in a position to come out on top, the suddenly aging Suns end another thriving season as losers, a predicament that has grown into a tiresome annual tradition.

"High Five!"

This was the series that Steve Kerr was brought in for. This was the series that the “Most Dominant Ever” was wooed in for, cape and all. This was the series that was on the minds of everyone involved in the organization since last July. After being ousted at the hands of perfectly-programmed robots known as the Spurs in three of the last five seasons, this was the year that everyone in Arizona felt was finally the year that the Suns leaped over old cumbersome hurdles on their way to Finals glory. It will have to wait another painful year.

You can dispose of those Game 6 tickets, Suns fans. It’s time to sell them to a blind kid and sport your D-Backs jersey full-time.

Is Mike D’Antoni to blame? Possibly. Can the finger be pointed at Steve Kerr? It can and probably will. But neither of those two turned the ball over seven times in the final quarter, including a couple scarce Nash dishing gaffes and an air-mail package sent via Boris Diaw that flew across the floor and into the hands of Ian Mahinmi keeping his seat on the Spurs bench nice and toasty, quite possibly his first touch of the season. Neither of those two missed 17 foul shots in an elimination game (well, one could argue that Kerr missed those free throws vicariously throw O’Neal).

The Spurs, on the other hand, will strap on their golden chaps, saddle up, and head forward into very well-known territory: deeper and deeper into the West Playoffs. In fact, if history holds true, their closeout victory over the Suns bodes particularly well: each time they have beaten their rivals from the desert in the post-season since 2003, they have gone on to win an NBA Finals that absolutely no one watched or cared about.

It all seemed so familiar: squeaky-clean David the Admiral sitting courtside, flashing lights in the shape of a buckaroo and bronco lighting up the rafters at the AT&T Center, and Timmay Duncan putting the series away with a pair of last-second free throws amongst a bombardment of ridiculous “M.V.P.” chants. In the West Semis, San Antonio draws an increasingly confident New Orleans Hornets team who exiled the Mavs and look to take down another Southwestern Division foe.

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CELTIC SLIDE

Celtics get A-Town Stomped; Series tied 2-2

Back to Beantown

If there was one thing we learned from last year’s playoffs, its that there’s no such thing as a sure thing. Just ask Dirk Nowitzki. His Dallas Mavericks, with their incredible, league-best 67-15 record, top billing in the Western Conference and 6th best record of all time, met the lowly Golden State Warriors, an upstart team who hadn’t made the playoffs in over a decade. It was supposed to be an easy victory, a lock to advance for a team with championship aspirations, and nothing less. Of course, we know what happened after that.

This season, the Boston Celtics have been championship contenders all season, even back to early summer when the Big Three 2.0 left New Englanders itching for their first championship in 22 years. They were matched up with the Atlanta Hawks, a lowly 8th seed with the worst record of any playoff team, and first time playoff-participants in nearly a decade. Sound familiar? After easily winning the first two games in the Garden, and making the Hawks look like merely a JV squad unable to hang with the big boys, the series shifted to Hotlanta. And then things got interesting. Believe it or not, the young Hawks emerged to tie the series tonight and delivered a solid blow to Goliath’s green mug with a 97-92 victory. This may be history in the making… again.


Joe Johnson poured in 35 points, an amazing 20 coming in the final frame, while Josh Smith nearly matched his teammate with 28 as well. Johnson and the Hawks showed the veteran poise usually expected from the Celtics and seemed to want it more, outscoring Boston 32-17 in the fourth. Things got heated in the second when Zaza Pachulia got in the face of Kevin Garnett after his errant loose elbow connected with with Pachulia. It was a testament that this series is far from over, and that Boston has it coming if they think the Hawks are going to keel over so easily.

The overconfident Celtics, who all season long have looked as poised and mature as any team not named the San Antonio Spurs, have all of a sudden looked frustrated and capable of being knocked down. The Celtics thought they were capable of beating the Hawks at their own style, a mistake that just tied this series. While the Celtics will more than likely come back and take this series, starting back in Boston on Wednesday, they look vulnerable, capable of being had. But there’s a chink in their armor, the Big Three don’t look as big, and a four game sweep as all of a sudden turned into a best of 3.

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AL BE GETTING OWNED

Hawks center thinks this is the SEC

Billy Donovan obviously does not talk to his players about what to expect and how to handle themselves amongst the NBA ranks. After Joakim Noah was suspended earlier after his team essentially voted him off at Bulls' tribal council, and Corey Brewer got owned by the rim on a fast break, Al Horford is the latest ex-Gator to make a "splash" in the pro game after taunting ten-year veteran Paul Pierce after nailing a mundane jumpshot in Atlanta's Game 3 win over the Celtics. Pierce did not take the act lightly, walking nearly all the way to the Hawks' bench during the ensuing timeout.

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HIGH FIVE

Mavs forward “takes a hit”

Down 2 games to a younger and less-experienced Hornets team while shooting a dismal 27% from the floor probably isn’t the best time to admit that you “love weed”. But this is the predicament that All-Star Josh Howard finds himself in after openly discussing his marijuana habits on Michael Irvin’s radio show last Friday, much to the dismay of his agent, publicist, coach, owner, and commissioner.

Who knew?

Howard candidly described his off-season drug use as his “personal choice and personal opinion” after stating that he would not smoke marijuana during the season even if the league did not have a random testing structure. The former Wake Forest star also added that “everybody in the media world and in the sports world knows that NBA players do smoke marijuana,” to which out-ed players around the league responded by sending him thank-you cards.

The consequences for his confessional soliloquy has not been determined by either the Mavericks organization or the league’s front office, while Commissioner David Stern later called to thank Howard for yet another “image problem” amongst the players in his league, to which Howard offered no response except the slightly-audible sounds of bubbling water. One possible solution might include perhaps mandating the wearing of “I Pass On Grass” pins on everyone’s lapels during official NBA engagements, while “where getting baked happens” ads were immediately pulled.

Hours later, the Mavs, back on their home floor at American Airlines Center, ripped the New Orleans Hornets for their first win of the series; no word yet on if Howard was ripped.

The league mandates four random drug tests for every player from October to June, however, it takes three positive piss tests before a suspension or public knowledge of a player’s recreational drug use.

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ENTER PACMAN

Titans, Cowboys agree on terms for Adam Jones

The hoopla is finally over in Nashville, and will just begin in the Big D. The Tennessee Titans and the Dallas Cowpokes agreed in principle to exchange the former West Virginia Mountaineer Adam “Pac-Man” Jones for still-undisclosed terms, but sources are reporting a possible fourth-round pick in the draft this weekend, along with a future pick should Pac-Man actually lace up his cleats this upcoming season. Both teams confirmed the deal on Wednesday and will await approval from the NFL front office.

The move from America’s team marks the second time in as many years that Jerry Jones has welcomed a player coming off of a high-profile, long-term suspension as a result of multiple mug shots. Last November, the Cowboys brought in tackle Tank Johnson after he sat out eight games before eventually being released by da Bears.

Should he finally get reinstated into the league, Jones will have to put other extra-curricular activities on hold, including his professional wrestling tag duo “Team Pacman” which was wrestling under the Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA) promotion, and his hip-hop record label National Street League.

Jones was drafted sixth overall in the 2005 draft by the Tennessee Titans at cornerback and enjoyed his best season during his sophomore campaign, in which he recorded 62 tackles, a sack, one fumble forced, twelve tips, and four picks (one pick-six). However, he arguably shined brightest during kick and punt returns (averaging a league-leading 12.9 yards per return), where he darted and danced by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde, eating countless dots along the way.

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SHAUN OF THE UNEMPLOYED

Seahawks cut 2005 MVP


On Tuesday, the Seattle Seahawks cut ties with the franchise’s all time leading rusher and 2005 NFL MVP, just 2 years after leading Seattle to Super Bowl XL which ended in defeat to the Pittsburg Steelers. Alexander enjoyed a stellar 2005 season, leading the league in several categories, including rushing yards (1,880) and touchdowns (28). After his stellar and historic run into the record books, Alexander ran his way into the Seahawks bank vault, making out with an 8-year, $62 million dollar, and the richest running back contract at the time. But with a fateful decision that would seal his career fate for a quick dollar, Alexander agreed to appear on the cover of the following season’s Madden 2007, and life would never be the same for #37.

Weighed down in the backfield with all his new found green, if not elevated expectations, as well as the Madden Curse in the air, Alexander suffered his worst season since his rookie year in 2000. Appearing in just 10 games, Alexander recorded a mere 7 touchdowns and 896 rushing yards, while recording a career high 6 fumbles in limited action. 2007 was even worse than 2006, as Alexander suffered another setback. This time to the wrist, much to the dismay of Seahawk fans and fantasy football owners alike, Shaun finished his Seahawks career by scoring 4 touchdowns and rushing for 716 yards in 13 games.

Looking to go in a new direction, the Seahawks cut ties with the main cog in Seattle offense that has made the playoffs for the past 5 seasons. The move leaves quarterback and soup pitchman Matt Hasselbeck to hand the ball off to new backfield mates Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett to fill Alexander’s big shoes. Alexander, now a 30 year old veteran and coming off two injury-plagued seasons, seeks a new employer to take his gap-toothed grin, along with his veteran presence and experience, to a fresh new start.

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EAST COAST DROPPER

Fenway Fanatic gets credited with error

Apparently, Leon Lett's instructional manual "Secure the Ball, then Celebrate" did not sell well in the city of Boston, as exhibited by a fan attending a Rangers-Red Sox game, who, after snagging a whistling foul ball with a spectacular effort in the upper deck, proceeded to let the ball slip to the field level during his best Chad Johnson celebration. Surely to follow him until his last days, this goober could cure cancer and would probably still be known for this ballpark blunder.

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