KEEPIN' UP WITH THE JONES'

Titans and Jerry’s Cowboys talking Pacman

It must feel terrible to be the first NFC team to be seeded number one in the playoffs and lose on Divisional Weekend, not to mention the coarse Kosher salt rubbed into wounds at the hands of a loathed divisional rival and Super Bowl champion-to-be. Throw in a quarterback who might be attending the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards with his girlfriend and a receiver who cries into his popcorn, what is a team to do?

America's Player

Jerry Jones is considering heading back to Convicts-R-Us to take a look at a used cornerback/returner being traded in by its current owners. After bringing in lineman Tank Johnson just months after getting out of the pen, Amerca’s team needs another role model and locker room leader. Who better than Pacman Jones?

While the Cowboys might be the current frontrunner to suit Jones up this fall, the New England Patriots and Detroit Lions have also expressed interest in the ex-West Virginia Mountaineer. However, Pacman has stated that it is every football player’s dream to wear the star, plus doing the rain dance at Dreams Gentlemens Club in southwest Dallas.

While there may be little or no issues with effort, performance, and team chemistry, will Jerry Jones bring the hammer down should off-field troubles rear its ugly, braided head yet again? Who knows, maybe Pacman will be this year's Moss and surpass every expectation.

THE TAMPA SPECIAL

Clemson, Vandy, Drake, and UConn crucified in West Florida

After a relatively quiet first day (nay a near Britney-sized disaster by the Durham Devils) in the NCAA Tournament, day two on Good Friday more than made up for me falling asleep during Wisconsin/CSU Fullerton by delivering five games that went undecided until the final seconds of play.

Something has to be in the water in Tampa that somehow gives those not expected to come out victorious to…well, come out victorious. Proof: the Devil Rays (now known simply as the Rays after an apparent religious epiphany) won 66 games last year. That’s 66 upsets. Oh, and also, all higher seeds playing in the Tampa pod fell on Friday, a feat that had never happened before in the history of college ball.

San Diego becomes the third double-seeded
team to send the Huskies home in the past three years.

The San Diego Toreros, from a small 4,000-student Catholic school overlooking the ocean, provided possibly the deadliest shocker thus far by stunning Calhoun’s Huskies of Connecticut with a last second De'Jon Jackson jumper from the wing with less than 2 seconds left in bonus basketball, proving that while UC San Diego may have the brains and San Diego State may have the boobs, USD has the ballers.

Need more drama than that? Hours before, on the very same hardwood floor, Ty Rogers nailed a game-winning shot from a distant 25 feet as time expired in the extra period to sink the dreams of #5 Drake and send his Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (?) to the second round. Adding to the Tampa turmoil, ‘Nova sent a confident Clemson team packing, while #13 Siena made a mockery of Vanderbilt’s four-seed by topping the Commodores, 83-62.

Friday validated and showcased why this tournament is the second-most popular sporting event on the American calendar, as teams filled with players un-recruited from the power conferences, and playing for nothing more than the pride of the name stitched to their chests, find a way to slay history-filled, long-standing giants.

They sent fans and fellow students into violent frenzies watching the games back home in student unions, rec halls, and dorm rooms. They filled the eyes of basketball mothers, who drove to and back from practice during the past decade, with joyous tears. They give younger aspiring athletes a reason to set a goal or chase a dream. They also fucked up brackets in offices nationwide.

Larger-name schools may have the money, the big-name coach, the aggressive scouting practices (Hi, Kelvin), and next April’s first round of the NBA Draft, but once confidence starts flowing through the veins of teams like Davidson and Siena, once these sometimes overlooked, but truly talented, players genuinely believe they deserve to play on the same court as those from legendary programs, then they really can.

SAFETY SCHOOLS

Day 1 ends with little drama

With the first day of Madness come and gone, and businesses nationwide suffering the expected stagnant productivity, the tournament wagon rolls on with a little lighter load. After the first batch of first round matchups, 16 teams are still alive, and 16 teams are going back home in time for an early spring break before Finals. For those keeping track at home, taking the safe route with their tournament picks, things are looking pretty nice – 14 out of 16 favorites won their respective first round contests.

The Midwest Region’s 6th seed USC Trojans suffered a poked hole in their game during the first half to Kansas State, and never could recover, another USC sports teams failing to live up to their hype. For all the hype he generated throughout the season, freshman OJ Mayo left his potential last college contest with disappointment. Mayo led his team with 20 points, though a handful of those points coming in disappointing garbage time, and got little help from the rest of the Trojan men. The 11th seeded Wildcats combined a strong all-around team game to support super frosh Michael Beasley, whose 23 points and 11 boards were complimented by 22 points from teammate Bill Walker . Beasley, unlike the superb season he’s had this year, struggled early on as he only scored 5 points in11 foul-troubeled minutes, but came out of the half on fire. The Wildcats move on to face #3 seed Wisconsin.

The other “upset” took place out West, as the region’s #8 BYU Cougars fell to #9 Texas A&M Aggies 67-62. The Aggies jumped out to an 11-point lead, and looked like they would crush the Cougars and send the pale force back to the mountains with their tails between their legs. However, the Cougars looked like they had a higher power on their side, storming back and cutting into the Aggies’ lead before tying the game at the half. But the outside shot simply wasn’t falling for BYU as they would have liked. The shooting touch that helped set a school record-setting 278 pointer s deserted them with a 7-22 performance instead. As the Cougars are sent packing back to Utah to drown their sorrows in jugs of icy cold milk, the Aggies are rewarded with a date with tournament-favorites UCLA.

As for UCLA, the West's #1 Bruins annihilated #16 Mississippi Valley State 70-29, sending a message to the rest of the teams watching that the Bruins have their eyes on their prize. Kevin Love scored 20 with 9 boards in 21 minutes of work to lead the Bruins. The Delta Devils leave California with another accomplishment besides producing Jerry Rice, as they scored the fewest points in the tournament's last half century and nobody in double digit scoring.

DANCING HOUR

My popcorn is ready, baaaaaaby!


The always-anticipated Selection Sunday has come and gone, and by 7pm, I more than had my yearly fix of Greg Gumbel. Some players celebrated with thousands of rabid students behind them, and others found their bubble residue-covered faces falling into their hands in the coach’s living room. The brackets are out and printer ink is being consumed at a record-pace. Here’s what to watch for:

EAST. The Heels may have the most lavish traveling situation in the tournament, as they can basically ride a baby blue Segway to their pod-site in Raleigh and their regionals in Charlotte before booking their Southwest Fun Fares to the Rio Grande. Apparently the committee compensated for this luxury by loading up their East Region with noteworthy talent, namely the best second-seed in the bracket in the Tennessee Vols, who, up until last week, was a front-runner for a top slot.

First-Round TiVo: (8)Indiana vs (9)Arkansas
State-of-Shock: (7)Butler over (2)Tennessee in the Second Round
Marbles: (1)North Carolina over (3)Louisville

Can the 'Hawks live up to the "bill-ing"?

MIDWEST. The Jayhawks were rewarded by a strong showing at the Big-XII Tournament, and on paper, Kansas should charge their way down to the Alamodome. While it may not be chock-full of the best talent in the land, this region has its fair share of rising programs (Clemson, Kansas State) and annual mainstays (Wisconsin, Gonzaga), not to mention instant gratification with Title Fight-worthy Mayo and Beasley exchanging Ultimate Highlights in just the first weekend of action.

First-Round TiVo: (6)USC vs (11)Kansas State
State-of-Shock: (12)Villanova over (5)Clemson in First Round
Marbles: (3)Wisconsin over (1)Kansas

SOUTH. Intriguing storylines stick out here, including the oft-disrespected Tigers of Memphis, Temple unearthing their experienced but dusty dancing shoes, Pitt’s strong play in the Big East royal rumble leading to a four-seed after a season of Hokey-Pokey-ing in and out of the Top 25, and Kentucky become reacquainted with what a bubble actually feels like.

First-Round TiVo: (6)Marquette vs (11)Kentucky
State-of-Shock: (4)Pittsburgh over (1)Memphis in Regional Semifinals
Marbles: (2)Texas over (4)Pittsburgh

WEST. With a suddenly-reeling Duke and the inconsistent Huskies of UConn, the UCLA Bruins might as well ask the committee to spot them plane tickets to the Final Four before the games even begin. On the other hand, asking Darren Collison and Kevin Love to accomplish a tall task and take the program to the Big Show in three straight years is quite the request. It might be fun to see how this region plays out, but it also might be boring.

First-Round TiVo: (8)BYU vs (9)Texas A&M
State-of-Shock: (11)Baylor over (6)Purdue in First Round
Marbles: (1)UCLA over (2)Duke

ADIEU AT 22

Goodnight Houston, and godspeed.


Thanks for the memories, Rockets. Over the last month and half you've given us countless memories and made us all fans. Watching your style of basketball play and team camaraderie have made us all Clutch-City Crazies. Because of you we don't just bleed red anymore. Nah, we bleed Rocket Red, baby. Win after blowout win, we fell a little more in love with the Rockets. Hell, Houston became like a second home for many of us.

You stepped out of San Antonio's noogie and made a name for yourself. No longer just the easy part of the Texas swing, but somehow one of the most hostile environments in the Association. When Yao went down, it looked you suffered a big yao-chy, one that would have to drop you from playoff contention. We doubted you. Well, we were wrong.

You carried on without the big man, and kept tacking on wins. 10, 11, 12 in a row... It defied logic and common sense. Fans were coming out of the woodwork to cheer you on. Casual fans were coming out the woodworks, finally dedicated to the team for the first time in a decade. Doesn't matter though, the product on the court spoke volumes, made new fans. It wasn't just a basketball game. You were mending broken hearts. You were bridging generations closer together. You were curing cancer... at least that's what it seemed like, the way your fans went on and on about how life-changing this streak was.


Thank God this streak happened, Rockets fans. Rick Adelman discovered he had more than 2 players he could count on when he needed to. Shane Battier stepped up like he was back in Cameron and made countless big shots. Luis Scola and Carl Landry saved themselves from any major rookie hazing because they played so well. Skip to my Lou?...we love you! And thank you, Rox, for giving us one more fling with Mt. Mutombo. What would we be without Dikembe Mutombo, and all his finger-wagging, Cookie monster sounding jargon which you so brilliantly tried to duplicate, but couldn't come close to matching the original.

And finally, thank you for sharing Tracy McGrady with us. After witnessing first round exit after first round exit, we wondered if he could win anything meaningful. You showed us the real T-Mac. The McGrady we saw was a winner, and gamer, and actually able to carry the load of a team on his perceived weak knees. Night after night he brought it, and showed flashes of Mike, a touch of Oscar, a hint of Magic, and topped with some Dream. One order of TMac for MVP, please.


Rockets, you showed us you're legit. First place in the loaded wild, wild west. Nothing can stop you, nothing will stop you. The only time Houston, you will be having problems is deciding when to ease your foot off the throats of your opponents. The playoffs should be a breeze. The curse is over. Tracy will advance to the second round, right? At least. So keep it up, Rockets. Lock up first place and keep on keepin on. Because 22 games is no fluke. Better than a quarter of the season, one big fat W streak. You showed us you have the heart of a champion, and you know what Rudy T. said about what not to do about those.

Forget about Timmy, Kobe, CP3 and Booze. Keep your eye on the prize, and don't lose that focus you've been displaying night in and night out. You don't want that long winning streak to be all for naught, do you? What good is all the attention and praise if you can't get your hands on the Larry O'Brien? Because nobody wants to experience the highs of an incredible, historic winning streak then falter and fall humiliatingly short of the final goal, do they, Pats?

GANG GREENED

Celts come back late to top Champs

Fierce Pierce was Texas-sized big

In a matchup of what many predict to be a Finals preview, the Celtics and Spurs provided an action-packed St. Patrick’s sneak peek. The Celtics won a nail-biter 93-91, despite looking as inebriated early on as their fans celebrating the holiday back home, down 17 after the first and as many as 22 at one point. The Celtics once again overcame the absence of Jesus Shuttlesworth nursing an ankle injury undoubtedly suffered at the hands of his father, Jake, with 3 players scoring 20 or more points. P-Double lead the way with 22 and Kevin Garnett added 21, as the Celtics rode to the winner’s circle after stage one of the Tour de Texas.

The Spurs, despite Manu Ginobili pouring in 32 points from all over the court, forgot to charge the batteries for their machine-like game for the second half. The Celtics came out strong after the break as baskets went down faster than half-off Irish car bombs, while the Spurs struggled offensively as their lead shrank to just 2 after the third. The Celtics took their first second-half lead after Sam Cassell phoned home a three with 45 seconds left. Down 2 with 4 ticks left, Bruce Bowen stole the inbound, legally, and passed the ball to Big Shot Bob, who looked more like Mediocre Ol' Bob as he missed a fallaway three pointer as the buzzer sounded.

Not tonight, Bob

The Celtics get no extended St. Patty's celebration tonight, however, as they move on to face the Rockets and their mind-boggling 22-game winning streak. The national stage is set for undoubtedly the biggest game of the season as the leaders in their respective conferences square off in a Houston showdown, as KG and Co. look to end the Rockets' historic streak.

ROUT-MATCHED

Nuggs stomp Sonics by 55; set franchise record

It’s no secret that the Seattle Supersonics are a fry cry from yesteryears that boasted defensive-specialist Gary Payton and All-Star Shawn Kemp (minus 50 pounds and nine bastard children), but come on. In a rematch of a playoff series known as one of the greatest upsets in the sport, Sunday’s game between the Sonics and Nuggets was just plain upsetting.

The Nuggets dropped a face-melting 168 points on the near-cellar-dwelling squad from the northwest, who have lately been more concerned with exactly where they will lose their typical 60 games next year and might as well have been playing defense in wheelchairs.

Inside the debacle:

• Denver’s 168 points in regulation was 5 points shy of the record, held by the 1990 Suns who put 173 on the board against, who else, the Nuggets.
• Seattle gave up 138 points to the Nuggets last month. Spygate’s effects must be rippling beyond football, as game tapes are being destroyed across all sports leagues and hindering game preparations.
• Pass it Around: Carmelo Anthony led the team in scoring with 26 and was one of eight Nuggets in double figures.
• The Nuggets shot 60.4% from the floor, including a lights-out 16-for-31 from downtown.
• Denver put up 84 points at the half. The Hornets scored 84 and the Heat ended up with 73 points in their entire respective games on Sunday.
• The Nuggets out-assisted the Sonics, 44-28.
• “Let’s Get the Hell Outta Here”: The game only lasted 2 hours and 11 minutes from tip-off to the final buzzer.