CRICKET ADMIRE-LESS

The Houston Rockets are not the only thing streaking....

VIDEO

Andrew Symonds pwns a nude man at a
cricket match in Australia Wednesday.

THE SUN-NY IMPAIRED TRAGEDY HOUR?

Suns stumbling to keep pace in the race

It still early March, but the heat is turning up at a sweltering rate. No, not our one-time friends that we don't want to be associated with anymore playing junior varsity ball down in South Florida, but perhaps the temperature in the deserts of the Southwest. Or maybe the competitiveness of nine or ten playoff-worthy clubs jockeying for position in a cramped 8-passenger playoff van headed for May. But more assuredly, it could refer to the increasingly blistering heat in the office of Steve Kerr at US Airways Arena.

It has been nearly a month into the 2008 Shaq Experiment. Is it still to early to say “oops”?

The Phoenix Suns are the most successful franchise in the NBA that has never played up to potential in early and mid-June. Over the last 17 seasons, Phoenix has only missed post-season play twice, and in the modern Nash-era over the past three and a half years, they have won at least one playoff series and have twice taken the court as one of the league’s final four. They have truly mastered the art of successful futility, drawing heavy influences from franchises including the Buffalo Bills and the Seattle Seahawks.

Last summer, Steve Kerr put down the TNT broadcasting headset and picked up the executive telephone for the Suns (there’s only so much of Marv’s “serve up a facial!” a man can take). Trying to take the franchise to a previously-unattained level, Steve took the ultimate gamble and brought in Superman to park his 7-foot-1 frame in the unpainted lane in hopes of bringing the O'Brien trophy to Arizona. Shaq and Kerr each brought a fair amount of jewelry (a combined eight rings) with them to the desert, so honestly, neither of them can be too bummed about watching the Lakers and Celtics play in June.

To make all of you in Cactus Land feel a little better about your team (and also about living in America’s “outdoor shed”), they haven’t been walking on a golden road the past few weeks, bumping into the likes of the Lakers, Pistons, Celtics, and Hornets. But there’s no getting around the fact that before the Shaq deal, the Suns managed a stout 37-16 record, and since suiting the Diesel up in the ugliest colors in the NBA, they have stumbled to a rare 3-5 stretch mark over the past 15 days, free-falling to the sixth seed, and in foreseeable danger of finding themselves on the outside-looking-in on a Western Conference playoff picture as crowded as below-deck on the Amistad. (Get the point? It’s crowded out here.)

Shaq told me to write this one down: “The Sun will rise in Phoenix”. Well Dr. O’Neal, it’s freezing out here and I still can’t see anything.

FAVRE OUT-for real

Favre ends storied 17-year career


In a move that has been an off-season will he-won’t he befitting a soap opera for the past 3 seasons, Brett Favre finally decided to hang up the green parka, yellow pants and ride off into the Wisconsin wind-chill for good Tuesday. After his historic season, in which records were toppled like the tin cans he shot at as a mulletted Mississippi youth, Favre leaves the Packers a stubbly god among Cheeseheads and Green Bay scrambling in search of any building, park, and roadway to name in his honor.

What can be said about Favre that hasn’t already been said by John Madden a couple thousand times? In an era in which sports icons from the last decade, names such as McGwire, Bonds, Clemens, and Shaq fall from grace before our very eyes, the 38-year old Favre inexplicably rolled the way back clock to 1997 and gave every right-minded football fan across America one more historic season to enjoy. Despite finishing the NFC Championship game looking like the old Favre in age only, his 2007 season will be remembered more for his record breaking achievements: Quarterback career wins, touchdown passes, passing yards, and passes to the opposition, and the last of his amazing career.

Brett Favre played quarterback every Sunday with the passion of a regular Joe off his recliner, living his dream playing his favorite game, rather than with the aura that comes with being arguably the greatest quarterback of his, if not all, generation. With TomBot’s successful attempts to actually be as unlikable and monotonous as he is good*, how can anybody say they won’t miss seeing Favre charging down the field and being among the first to congratulate his teammate after a touchdown pass, or getting in the face of fat opposing linemen after scrambling away and breaking his defense down for yet another touchdown pass? Football’s ironman took hit after hit during his seventeen-year career, but sacks and tackles, addictions and off-field tragedies proved to be no match for #4. Favre was so likable and, probably even successful, because he played with an unbridled love for the game. Michael Jordan famously had it, Brett Favre definitely had it.


So if Favre has indeed taken his last Lambeau Leap, what a way it was for him to go out. He deserves to leave after an incredibly successful season, surpassing all expert expectations, most of all his. Favre proved he had plenty left in the tank, and who knows what another year with Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings and the strong young Packer core could have amounted to. But the talent was still young and unproven, and 3MVPs, 2 Super Bowl trips and 1 glorious career later, he deserves to leave on his own terms. The football-watching world is worse off not having the gift of watching Brett Favre man the green and gold every Sunday, but what a lifetime of memories he’s given already.

A REACH OF CONTRACT

Moss stays; Big Ben wins the lottery

Dear Mr. Moss,

You didn’t fool anyone.

A story that was never really a story but was made out to possibly be a story: such is the free agency of record-holding wide receiver Randy Moss. We know you had never previously been put up for auction on the free agent market (you were on the shelf for about as long as a Wii on December 23^rd), and we know you declared free agency and tested the waters in various needy cities, you tease.

"You ready to blow it?"

Last season, number 81 caught 98 balls for almost 1,500 yards and a gaudy 23 trips to the house on the greatest offensive team that this side of the Milky Way has ever seen. And with that red “L” on the bottom of the Pats’ 07 schedule sticking out like a sore assault and battery charge in Week 19 – I mean, thumb – there was little doubt he would be back square dancing in Foxborough come September. Moss made it official on Monday by agreeing to a 3-year/$27M extension.

And why not? The man is a well-oiled catching machine when he’s not blazed out of his bearded skull. Fans just better pray that now that he’s scored a payday that includes an $8 million-per-year raise, he doesn’t take the effort level back down to about 60-65%. Should he hit pay-dirt (and do that unexplainable curtain-parting celebration) less than ten times this upcoming season, then last year would still be history-making, but nothing really big. Just like the Marshall plane crash, right?

A hundred mil should cover this, right?

Now travel 600 miles to the southeast and drop by the Steel City of Pittsburgh, the home of the best team that in reality isn’t all that spectacular. What do you do when you go a division-best 10-6, but lose to the same non-divisional opponent twice on your home field (I use the term “field” loosely when referring to Ketchup Stadium)? Of course! You write a 9-figure check to a guy who made love to asphalt harder than Diddy in the video for “I’ll Be Missing You” (YouTube it before you say “huh?”).

The new owner of an 8 year/$102M-contract has taken the Steelies to the playoffs three times in four years, and also won that Super Bowl two years ago that everyone has already forgotten about. Who cares if they won despite his performance, not because of it?

Big Ben becomes the seventh player (all quarterbacks) since 2001 to ink such a large, long-term deal. What has become of the other six in the last seven years, you say? Well, one just got turned away by the Raiders (ouch), one is having his leadership capabilities questioned, one is a back-up to a guy who slams beer bongs in Cabo a week before the playoffs, and one just finished his first losing season. Oh, and one’s in federal prison. And the other is Brett Favre, who has contemplated hanging it up every off-season since saying “giddy-up” to a TEN-year deal in 2001.

Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Donovan McNabb, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, and Michael Vick collectively have a 7-6 playoff record since signing their respective record deals. This includes only one trip to the Super Bowl, which was a whooping of the nauseous-McNabb-led Eagles at the hands of the Patriots in SB XXXIX.

Despite being an almost unfair comparison, by himself, Terrific Tom is 14-3 in January and February, and sports three custom-made, rainbow-colored rings.

EYE FOR A WISE-EYE

The Whine-Brenner Brothers take shots at Champions

Comedic writer Larry David voiced an erratic, faceless, half-squeaky/half-annoying, and downright hilarious George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld in the nineties. These days, with the big boss being awake for only six hours each day (two in the bathroom and four feebly trying to figure out a way to button the top button on his shirt) and his stout offspring eagerly waiting to fill his penny loafers, Larry might want to think about writing the characters of Hank and Hal Steinbrenner into Curb Your Enthusiasm.

After stepping into the boss’s shoes, Hank Steinbrenner wasted no time by turning around and kicking the Red Sox right in the baked beans.

His intelligent tirade:

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is...”

Way to stay classy, Steiny, Jr.

“…That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans...”

It is? Oh yeah, now that I think about it, I do remember seeing Stuart Scott at Costco wearing the BP cap and Scott Van Pelt at Wal-Mart buying a fake Yastrzemski uni. Bristol, CT (ESPN headquarters), is ten miles closer to the Bronx than the Fens.

“…Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets…"

You can’t just make up stats, Hanky.

“This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

The universe has apparently been waiting 7 years to be restored to order.

After Hank the Tank’s comments were released, Red Sox principal-owner John Henry took a few minutes from being an economic and financial genius (which apparently doubles the aging process, as the 59-year-old options trader looks older than Strom Thurmond. And I mean Strom Thurmond now, not when he was alive) to FedEx a lovely gift basket filled with assorted Beantown trinkets and goodies:

• An official Red Sox Nation membership card
• Red Sox newsletter
• Bumper stickers
• Pin
• Green Monster seats
• An official cap signed by David Ortiz

Now that’s pretty funny.

Honestly, I am not a fan of either team, but the Yankees remind me of that one guy who comes over to play Guitar Hero and thinks he’s God’s gift to “Black Magic Woman” because he’s been playing since before the game was even developed and has beaten every song on “Expert” level, but ends up being excessively bitter and angry because this other guy (the Sox), who hasn’t played video games in 86 years, isn’t taking things so seriously, and is more focused on drinking and having a good time, is Star-Powering him into submission.

Yeah, that’s it.

Take it easy, boys. Four years ago, Boston hadn’t won a Series since slavery. Now they’ve won two. Let them be increasingly abrasive and have their day in the limelight. Lord knows you’ll be back to winning World Series’ in a few years when you top the $1 billion mark on the payroll. Maybe.

Throw it down, Will. THROW IT DOWN!

H.O.R.S.E. never looked so pretty....

VIDEO: Will vs Walt

Just be-mac yourself, T-Mac

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

This is getting ridiculous. Actually, it's beyond ridiculous now. Tracy, quit kidding yourself and thinking you're capable of carrying a team into the playoffs, much less beyond the first round, on that gimpy chicken leg, back, and lazy eye of yours. You have Yao cashing checks he literally can't write, apparently hob knobbing with the SoHo crowd, and shutting down operations amidst one the greatest feats of overachievement in NBA history. 13-0? Yao kiddin me?


I've got 15-1 odds that during the Olympics' opening ceremony, Huanhuan the giant red dancing person/spirit will make his/its way to the torch, dramatically remove his head, and reveal himself to be the 7-6 starting center for the Houston Rockets and light that bad boy up. If only Rick Adelman knew before the season that "broken foot" and "mascot training in March" were so similar sounding in Chinese.

But seriously, Tracy, enough noise, enough of this win streak, and enough of a playoff spot being wasted on another T-Mac-led team. You're the 2nd Round Virgin. I don't know how long David Stern is going to let this go on for, but I think Pam Oliver would much rather interview Baron Davis or Allen Iverson in May than you or Dikembe freakin' Mutombo. Well, maybe not Deke.

Do the nation, nay, the world a favor and let Yao's team be. Land the Rockets safely and mission launch again next year. Besides, I heard open try-outs for Nini are going on right now.