Throw it down, Will. THROW IT DOWN!

H.O.R.S.E. never looked so pretty....

VIDEO: Will vs Walt

Just be-mac yourself, T-Mac

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

This is getting ridiculous. Actually, it's beyond ridiculous now. Tracy, quit kidding yourself and thinking you're capable of carrying a team into the playoffs, much less beyond the first round, on that gimpy chicken leg, back, and lazy eye of yours. You have Yao cashing checks he literally can't write, apparently hob knobbing with the SoHo crowd, and shutting down operations amidst one the greatest feats of overachievement in NBA history. 13-0? Yao kiddin me?


I've got 15-1 odds that during the Olympics' opening ceremony, Huanhuan the giant red dancing person/spirit will make his/its way to the torch, dramatically remove his head, and reveal himself to be the 7-6 starting center for the Houston Rockets and light that bad boy up. If only Rick Adelman knew before the season that "broken foot" and "mascot training in March" were so similar sounding in Chinese.

But seriously, Tracy, enough noise, enough of this win streak, and enough of a playoff spot being wasted on another T-Mac-led team. You're the 2nd Round Virgin. I don't know how long David Stern is going to let this go on for, but I think Pam Oliver would much rather interview Baron Davis or Allen Iverson in May than you or Dikembe freakin' Mutombo. Well, maybe not Deke.

Do the nation, nay, the world a favor and let Yao's team be. Land the Rockets safely and mission launch again next year. Besides, I heard open try-outs for Nini are going on right now.

DOWNTOWN STILL-A-BROWN

Anderson Returns; Quinn's balls still blue.

It wasn't long after packing his bags, saying his goodbyes, and walking halfway to a waiting cab prepared to take him to Free Agent International, that Pro-Bowl quarterback Derek Anderson realized that life without the luxury of tossing jump-ball touchdowns to Braylon Edwards might suck.

Yikes. There's a reason Derek Anderson didn't get

much face-time outside of Cleveland.

The Browns had barely taken his name off the company directory when he agreed to a 3-year/$20M contract to remain in Cleveland. He then scampered upstairs to unpack his duffel, only to find Brady Quinn already in his office with his feet up on the desk, sipping Myoplex from his “Play like a champion today” mug, and admiring his own bargain-bin Fathead.

In 2007, Quinn threw the same amount of

touchdown passes as Stephen Hawking.

However, Quinn shouldn't be too depressed heading back to the bench. Rumor has it the defense is holding open tryouts all summer. There’s also Miami, Baltimore, and Atlanta jobs opening, if you enjoy being let go in 2 years.

Derek emerged from national obscurity in ’07 and threw for 29 TD's, sixteen of them caught by Edwards – the best wide receiver in the Buckeye State (sorry, Housh and Ocho) and my 2007 fantasy stud in that position. And I still went 1-13.

That's right. 1 win and 13 losses.

Oh, and a tie.

American League 2008

Divisional Predictions for the American League, or according to ESPN, the Red Sox, Yankees and some other teams.

AL East - Red Sox. It's inevitable: that new thing once cute and refreshing eventually becomes increasingly uncute and outright annoying and/or creepy with time. Haley Joel Osment, Family Guy, Rachael Ray and now The Boston Red Sox. No longer the lovable underdog just happy to be in contention as Fall rolls along, the AL pennant is the BoSoxs' to lose once again. Ho hum. But until September arrives, Boston will need to endure another summer of Manny being Manny, Schilling running his mouth from the IR, and all the annual baggage this team seems to face.

"The heaviest team in baseball"

AL Central - Tigers. Once again, the team from Detroit will be overshadowed by the team from Boston as media darlings. The Tigers still have Maggs along with his geri-curl mullet, Gary Sheffield, and newcomer Miguel Cabrera to produce plenty of runs at Comerica. The rotation should put up some impressive numbers with D-Train's arrival alongside Justin Verlander and The Gambler. But, they'll have to overcome a monumental mid-season setback when Pudge Rodriguez and 109 year-old manager Jim Leyland are caught injecting HGH into each other's derrières.

Detroit's new model: the D-Bird

AL West - Angels. Big Bad Vlad gets some help in the outfield with multiple Gold Glover Torri Hunter finally getting to play outside in Los Angeles of Anaheim of California. Probably not as productive as they once were several years ago, this duo will still be a formidable 1-2 punch, especially against the competition being thrown at them out West and win the division by default. The Angels may quietly have a rotation amongst the best in the AL if John Lackey can produce numbers that mirror last year's stellar performance.

AL Wildcard - Indians. There will be no Series victory to celebrate in Yankee Stadium's final year, as the Yankees set their sights on media domination instead. Derek Jeter will shift his focus on the insurmountable task of out-commerical whoring Peyton Manning, and A-Rod will yet again manufacture tabloid headlines to prove that he is, in fact, not gay.
Cy-Young winner C.C. Sabathia and Grady Sizemore should lead the Indians to the Wild Card as they once again flirt with strong postseason hopes. However, those Series dreams will be dashed with another playoff failure, breaking Drew Carey's heart once again; LeBron James will be apathetic.

National League 2008

Unwarranted Divisional Predictions.

I'm willing to bet that at least one of these will be correct.

NL East – Mets. Already proclaimed “the team to beat” in the National League, will the Mets strike the memory of last year's finish from the minds of fans and critics? I mean, there hadn't been a bigger September free-fall in New York since [insert inappropriate joke here]. Too soon? But seriously, after purchasing (on layaway) the best hurler in the bigs to deal against the mediocre NL East, it’s hard to bet against the Mets breaking through. But still possible.

"If anyone asks, I never managed the Devil Rays."

NL Central – Cubs. Piniella did it managing the Reds. He’s in the midst of doing the same with the Cubs (turning a team around and still collecting premature walks back to the clubhouse). Given this talented-on-paper squad, Lou should be able to lead the winner of last year’s ugliest pennant race to a more dignified and satisfying finish. And with Santana, A-Rod, Clemens fighting for the spotlight this winter, the Cubs have quietly reloaded with a few new weapons of their own.

"Joe told us to wake him up when the tying run gets on. Does he know he can't make a change in the cart?"

NL West – Dodgers. It shouldn’t be too long before Gentle Joe gets acclimated and grows comfortable sitting on the bench and falling asleep with his new bunch of bombers. Chavez Ravine is supposedly more nap-friendly than the Bronx, especially since no one in attendance really cares. Arguably boasting the best roster in the division (barely edging out the D-Backs with experience), LA’s second-best baseball team should be in command of the division over Arizona and San Diego by early September.

NL Wildcard – Phillies. The remainder of the league is mediocre at best. The Brewers, Diamondbacks, and Braves will each have their month or so in the sun. Meanwhile, the Rockies will not put on any worthy encore to their boring World Series run (keep in mind that the Rocks had to win 14 games out of 15 to even qualify for the postseason, and momentum like that can carry even average teams further than expected). When it’s all done, the Phillies will emerge as the best of the worst.

Divisional Winners for the Junior Circuit coming soon, so don't place your futures bet just yet.

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