TO FINISH OR NOT TO FINISH

Celts fall flat again (surprise), Lakers roll on

Monday! Monday! Monday!

The seemingly endless, often ugly, so annoyingly predictable, and just plain boring Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NBA Playoffs will graciously come to a needy conclusion by the beginning of next week, much to the joy of almost everyone sans the fans in the unfortunate losing cities.

Throughout the regular season, the Boston Celtics seemed to display the attitude, poise, and demeanor of champions, despite the well-known lack of June jewelry on the fingers of any of their starting five. This was the team that won 31 games outside the state of Massachusetts. This is the team that line-danced victoriously through the dreaded Texas triangle while chewing on toothpicks. It’s hard to believe that a team so dominant throughout the long season has struggled so embarrassingly on opposing courts, dropping to a vomit-inducing 0-6 playoff road record after succumbing to LeBron James and the Cavs, 74-69, on Friday night.

That’s right, the final count after 48 brutal minutes was 74 to 69. It is widely known in basketball circles that both Boston and Cleveland pride themselves on their ability to deny points, boasting league-best defenders in KG and Ben Wallace, not to mention Anderson Varejao, his four limbs, and forty fro curls to contest every shot. But come on. Sixty-nine points? Get out of the masonry yard.

This isn’t like watching a pitching duel. Watching basketball defensive dominance coupled with offensive shortcomings sucks. It sucks more than hearing a cheerleading “DE-FENSE” chant blaring from the PA system at the Quicken Loans Arena literally every single time the C’s brought the rock upcourt.

I found myself continuing to watch the game just to see Sam Cassell throw playing-time tantrums while lying on the floor staring up at the rafters.

In Friday’s other game, Kobe Bean put up 34 points and the Lakers fended off a late fierce Utah rally to close out the Jazz in six games in front of nearly 20,000 angry white people screaming “Ref, you suck!” in eerie unison. It marked only the second time the Lakers won a ball game in Utah and only the second victory for a road team in the second round.

So two decisive final games are set. The Cavs and Celtics painfully clash one last time this season on Sunday, while Monday’s Game 7 showcases Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets, and a league-wide and nearly ironclad home-court edge square off against the defending-champion Spurs.

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ROUNDERS MOUND

Barkley could face criminal charges


Sir Charles Barkley, NBA Hall of Famer, TNT analyst, and notorious Las Vegas patron may need to call up buddy Dwayne Wade to shoot a few more T-Mobile commercials this summer. Barkley could face charges stemming from a refusal to repay the Wynn Resort a $400,000 debt he stemming from last October. The Wynn reported that Barkley received 4 $100,000 markers, but had not yet paid the resort back, despite numerous attempts for restitution.

When Chuck was finally reached Thursday playing in a Pro-Am in Alabama, with money on the line, no doubt, he owned up to the mistake and vowed to pay back the gambling debt in full. Furthermore, he went on to say the debt stemmed from a loss suffered during the Super Bowl and not from the October incident as was reported, a loss that caused Barkley to become "depressed" over the $400 grand he lost on the Patriots. The Round Mound can now empathize with the majority of fantasy owners and officially laminate his "Screwed by Tom Brady" club. No word on whether Barkley will call up Kevin Spacey for some blackjack advice.

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TAYSHAUN-DAY

Pistons rain over Orlando, advance to East Finals

Detroit flyin

Tayshaun Prince made sure Hedo Turkoglu wasn’t successful in pitching the movie sequel, “European Swingmen Can’t Jump” by sending away the Orlando Magic’s last second dunk attempt, and sending Orlando fishing for the summer. With the 91-86 victory, the Detroit Pistons yet again advanced to the Eastern Conference finals, their 6th consecutive trip, despite missing point guard Chauncy Billups once more with the lame hammy.

Billups’ decision to play it safe or, really, realizing that Orlando’s chances of coming back in the series were as low as Adonal Foyle’s minutes per game, allowed several Pistons to pick up the load. Richard Hamilton once again led the way with 31 points, as well as 17-11 from Antonio McDyess and 15 points from rookie guard Rodney Stuckey stepping up in Billups’ spot.

The Pistons threw bricks towards the rim all night, shooting just 36% to the Magic’s 48%. However, going 28-32 from the charity stripe, as well as a 21-3 turnover advantage offset Detroit’s total lack of an offensive game. The 3 turnovers were an NBA Playoff low, while the Magic suffered a playoff-high with their 21 givebacks.

After both teams traded baskets in a closely contested second half, the Pistons pulled away in the fourth with a furious 13-3 run. However, the Magic stormed back late to pull within one with just under four minutes remaining, but used up every once of reserve magic in making the game close at the end, unable to take advantage. After sinking back-to-back buckets with a minute left, Turkoglu assumed the role of Superman from his teammate in the game's waning moments. Down three, Turkoglu questionably drove towards the rim instead of going for the tie, and tried to spike the ball, a la Lebron James last night, over the waiting Pistons. Unfortunately, Hedo’s heroic attempt backfired, instead had a complete Anderson Varejao moment, as Prince sent the ball away to secure the series-clinching victory.

whoops...

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THE DAY AFTER

LeBron tells mom her day was yesterday

In an 88-77 victory to tie up their Semifinal series against Boston, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers gave his mother a belated gift: a hearty can of "Sit Yo' Azz Down!" How cute is that?

With the series tied at two games apiece, the drama shifts back to "Titletown" and the TD Banknorth Garden (rolls right off the tongue). It appears to be simple: the Celtics dominate at home and lose on the road, which, with their home court advantage throughout, they can ride all the way to the trophy.

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TONY SOPRANO?

Cowboys' QB serenades the Cubbie faithful


Congratulations, Ozzy. You now can relinquish your title as "Worst 7th-Inning Stretch Singer in Wrigley History" and hand over the trophy to none other than our Guy-Gone-Wild, Mr. Anthony Romo, at least for the time being.

With a team loaded with more explosive personalities than another annoying season of "The Real World", Tony wanted to take a load off, and what better way to do that than agree to butcher "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in front of 40,000 Bears' fans.

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IF YOU WANT THINGS DONE RIGHT....

Indians second baseman completes the game's rarest of rarities


Cleveland's Asdrubal Cabrera snagged a hot line drive, stepped on a bag, and tagged a guy in the chest...or an unassisted triple play, if you want to be cool about it. Monday marked only the fourteenth time the feat has occurred in the history of Major League Baseball, less than the number of perfect games and four-jack days, so please write down what you did today so that one day, you have an answer to your children's inevitable question, "What were you doing on the day Asdrubal Cabrera got that TP?"

Well done, As-Cab.

VIDEO

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KB'S DAY OUT

Bryant tops ceremony with Game 2 victory


Kobe Bryant fanatics worldwide, and haters alike, can pretty much agree that Bryant had a pretty damn good day Wednesday, a day after officially accepting his first Most Valuable Player award and stripping it from the 3 year stranglehold of pasty foreigners with weird hair. Bryant took the handoff from The Commish, who called Bryant "the brightest star of all stars" or something like that, hoisted the Maurice Podoloff for the Staples Center contingent, and then proceeded to beat down the Utah Jazz 120-110 to take a 2-0 series lead.

The Lakers' seemed to be able to score from all over the hardwood as 4 starters poured at least 19 points, including Kobe's 34, Derek Fisher's 22 against his former squad, and 19-16 from Lamar Odom. Deron Williams' 25 point and 10 dimes were the lone bright spot for the Jazz, as Carlos Boozer brokeout in forehead acne only, chipping in a measly 10 points on 3-10 shooting. The series shifts back to the Utah mountains where the Jazz of course have enjoyed an incredible 37-4 home record this season in front of their extended (literally) family.

For Bryant, it just goes to show you how productive "an idiot" owner can be when he's pushed, and what good a ridiculous offseason tirade throwing teammates and management under a bus can bring. Lucky for Bryant and his big mouth, Mitch Kupchack had the nerve not to ship Kobe to Chicago, and instead pulled off one of the greatest heists in recent memory. Kupchack turned The Uber-bust of all busts into All-Star and second fiddle, Pau Gasol, and gave the Lakers the edge to make it back to the Finals. Apparently, Stephen A. agreed. But, I digress. Winning heals all wounds, and as the Lakers enjoyed chemistry not seen in Southern Cali since the early 2000s, memories of the summer drama vanished as victories piled up this season. Bryant simply had a better season than Chris Paul's spectacular campaign, whose time will eventually. Bryant's paid his dues, put up several MVP-worthy seasons, and this was simply the time, deservedly so, to acknowledge the greatest player on the planet's valuable-ness.

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