IF YOU WANT THINGS DONE RIGHT....

Indians second baseman completes the game's rarest of rarities


Cleveland's Asdrubal Cabrera snagged a hot line drive, stepped on a bag, and tagged a guy in the chest...or an unassisted triple play, if you want to be cool about it. Monday marked only the fourteenth time the feat has occurred in the history of Major League Baseball, less than the number of perfect games and four-jack days, so please write down what you did today so that one day, you have an answer to your children's inevitable question, "What were you doing on the day Asdrubal Cabrera got that TP?"

Well done, As-Cab.

VIDEO

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KB'S DAY OUT

Bryant tops ceremony with Game 2 victory


Kobe Bryant fanatics worldwide, and haters alike, can pretty much agree that Bryant had a pretty damn good day Wednesday, a day after officially accepting his first Most Valuable Player award and stripping it from the 3 year stranglehold of pasty foreigners with weird hair. Bryant took the handoff from The Commish, who called Bryant "the brightest star of all stars" or something like that, hoisted the Maurice Podoloff for the Staples Center contingent, and then proceeded to beat down the Utah Jazz 120-110 to take a 2-0 series lead.

The Lakers' seemed to be able to score from all over the hardwood as 4 starters poured at least 19 points, including Kobe's 34, Derek Fisher's 22 against his former squad, and 19-16 from Lamar Odom. Deron Williams' 25 point and 10 dimes were the lone bright spot for the Jazz, as Carlos Boozer brokeout in forehead acne only, chipping in a measly 10 points on 3-10 shooting. The series shifts back to the Utah mountains where the Jazz of course have enjoyed an incredible 37-4 home record this season in front of their extended (literally) family.

For Bryant, it just goes to show you how productive "an idiot" owner can be when he's pushed, and what good a ridiculous offseason tirade throwing teammates and management under a bus can bring. Lucky for Bryant and his big mouth, Mitch Kupchack had the nerve not to ship Kobe to Chicago, and instead pulled off one of the greatest heists in recent memory. Kupchack turned The Uber-bust of all busts into All-Star and second fiddle, Pau Gasol, and gave the Lakers the edge to make it back to the Finals. Apparently, Stephen A. agreed. But, I digress. Winning heals all wounds, and as the Lakers enjoyed chemistry not seen in Southern Cali since the early 2000s, memories of the summer drama vanished as victories piled up this season. Bryant simply had a better season than Chris Paul's spectacular campaign, whose time will eventually. Bryant's paid his dues, put up several MVP-worthy seasons, and this was simply the time, deservedly so, to acknowledge the greatest player on the planet's valuable-ness.

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UGLIER THAN THOU

Celtics squeeze out win, LeBron stays late to measure the baskets

After throwing up enough bricks to rebuild half of Southeast Asia, King James and the Pips fell to the top-seeded Celtics by a NCAA-like final score of 76-72 in Game 1 of the East Semis, much to the dismay of thousands of bloated couch-dwelling Clevelanders still digesting their 23-cent Papa John pizzas. In a game with statistics that would make Dr. Jack Ramsay turn in his grave (a combined 36% field-goal percentage and 38 total turnovers), LeBron nearly put together the ugliest triple-double in playoff history, going an abysmal 2-for-18 from the parquet floor and ten turnovers to go along with nine boards and nine helpers in a losing effort.

The Chosen One could attribute his sub-par performance to post-season jitters, the pressure of carrying the team on his shoulders, or simply the heebie-jeebies of being in his beloved Evil Empire’s enemy territory. James could have seen a tough shooting night coming while sight-seeing earlier in the week when he couldn’t hit the Atlantic Ocean from a beach on Cape Cod. The Celtic Faithful (forget the nineties) responded by awarding him the “Best Actor in a Fouled Role” after supposedly exaggerating a flagrant foul courtesy of Sam I Am late in the first half.

LeBron misses a potential tying lay-up in the final seconds

Aside from Gahhh-nett and Rondo, basketball did not look that all that much prettier for the C’s, who walked away with a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series. The rest of the Boston Three Party turned out to be party poopers, combining for four points and nine rebounds. Ray Allen a.k.a. Jesus Shuttlesworth went 0-for-a-lucky-4 from the field in a brutal 37 minutes and ended up with as many points as Danny Ainge, the first time Allen has been blanked since his rookie season in 1996.

Wait, Dr. Ramsay is still alive? Get the hell outta here....

All things considered, Boston takes a much-needed pivotal early lead in the series after being taken to the limit by Zaza’s Hawks, while the Cavs look to regroup and take Game 2 on Thursday at the Garden, where hopefully the hoop lids will be taken off.

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KERRY-ED AWAY

Tuesday marks the ten-year anniversary of a young, brash, and infinitely-healthier rookie hurler Kerry Wood punching out TWENTY Astros on the way to a one-hit complete-game victory at Wrigley. Now a permanent fixture in the 'pen, Kerry can have a beer and remember a time that wasn't too long ago, but yet seem so far, far away....

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THE PURSUIT OF ELOQUENCE

Zaza Pachulia's motivational speaking seminar tour started last Friday following the conclusion of Altanta's Game 6 victory over Boston, and it will surely be a undeniable success for the 24-year-old Georgian.

There really was "nothing easy" in Game 7 for the Hawks on Sunday, who were trounced by 34 points.

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THERE CAN ONLY BE ZOHAN... AND BARON

Boom and Zohan Spoof

From aerodynamics

Further proof that Baron's one of the league's most entertaining personalities. Though I don't think he's cut his hair since the season ended.

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COLT GUN AND RUN

Harrison in alleged shooting

Keep running, starvin marvin

Another Indiana professional athlete may be facing some legal action for taking gun practice outdoors. And this time, it’s not an Indiana Pacer. Colts pro bowl receiver Marvin Harrison, the state’s 2nd biggest athlete behind Peyton Manning, is alleged to have shot at a fleeing patron outside of his hometown Philadelphia bar, Playmakers, after an argument and fistfight broke out between Marvin and said patron. The patron was struck in the hand, and a young girl was struck by flying glass shattered from a nearby car window.

Tests showed that the gun fired did indeed belong to Marvin, one of a ridiculous 25 pieces registered under his name. Harrison claimed he owned a similar gun, but it had not left his Philly home. The gun was found in a bucket at a Harrison-owned car wash, and it was determined that gun had indeed fired seven shots. Whoops.

Known for being one of the best receivers in the game, his quiet demeanor on and off the field, and being a veteran leader in the Colts’ locker room, this shocking allegation comes after Harrison’s least productive, injury-filled season last year. Although, his numbers may pick up after being Michael Vick's main target next year in lockdown.

You'll be alright, Marvin

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