TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND BRACKET

A user’s guide on how not to win your office pool

Aah, it’s that time of year again. The swarming scents of the spring season are flourishing in the air, the Sun is starting to set later and later into the evening, and the intolerable sounds of D-Bags quarreling over snubs, clubs, and bracket-busters are quickly getting out of hand. So here’s a crash course on how to stick-it-to-the-bro’s and demonstrate your utter apathy for their crude gambling ring by completely tanking your entry. Besides, ‘tis the season to veg on the couch, crack a beer, and enjoy some of the most entertaining basketball of the year.

BET ON THE UNDER-UNDERDOGS. No sixteen-seed has ever toppled a top one, and a fifteen shocking a two occurs approximately once every 20 blue moons. Take advantage of history’s lessons and go with Austin Peay or Winthrop to bring down the big boys. Going with the top-seeded favorites is so cliché, anyways.

WHO NEEDS TOP SEEDS? If that right-minded sports conscious on your shoulder just won’t let you pencil in Belmont over Tennessee (you weak, weak-minded coward), there is still hope yet of going bottoms up on your bracket. Since 2000, no team lower than a 5-seed has advanced to the Final Four showdown except for three: two #8’s and a #11 (curse you, George Mason). So when narrowing your field down to sixteen and eight, be certain to support the lower half of each region.

DON’T TRUST THE ANIMALS. And we’re talking about the nicknames/mascots. Over the past fourteen years, ten champions have been from the animal kingdom. So if you are busting a hemorrhoid deciding between the Memphis Tigers and the UMass Minutemen, go with the soldier boys.

BELIEVE IN THE HIGH-FIVE’S. Over the past decade or so, those first-round 5-12 match-ups have more resembled the Looney-Tunes/Monstars showdown in the critically-acclaimed Space Jam than a lopsided collegiate game. So don’t stop believing in the power of the “cursed” flawed five.

TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL. Although it may blow your cover as a legitimate entry, showcase your creativity by selecting teams that aren’t even in the tournament to advance deep into the later rounds. And you don’t even have to use teams. For example, last year, my final four consisted of the Denver Broncos, Christopher Reeve, a Venus Fly-Trap, and Buddhism, with Cinderella Saddam getting bounced in the Regional Finals. Don’t get too “hung up” about it….

That’ll show ‘em.

RUNNING POINTS

Some Monday quick hits.

• The Miami Tank brigade marches on, but Dwyane Wade's decided he's had enough. I guess 3 losses in 2 nights will do that you. After being on the wrong end of a 134-99 thrashing by the Warriors Friday night, the Heat faced the Hawks for a "double header" on Saturday to replay the last minute of their disputed December loss before taking part in their next regularly-scheduled loss. Miami didn't disappoint and chalked a couple more tallies in the L column of their god-awful and NBA-worst 11-50 record.

A long way from a Finals champagne shower

• What is Kobe Bean thinking? Something that's been bugging me lately has been Kobe's choice of socks, mainly during home games. As if his ego couldn't get any bigger, he needs to be wearing the biggest socks in the entire Association, too. It's like he found the longest socks available, some man-stocking-looking things, then decided against the obviously dorkier route by rolling them down. Kobe, you look like a damn fool with those huge socks. I hope it's not another Showtime homage, cause the first attempt with the tight throwbacks and huge shorts was a fat whiff.

Not working, dude.

• Sitting courtside of the Lakers-Kings game Sunday was Barry Bonds, still completely out of touch with reality. It's over, Barry. You can take that sweet diamond-encrusted Giants hat off. It's Zito's team, now.
  

• And finally, putting the Insane in Vinsanity, here's Vince Carter a couple weeks back, doing his best to welcome new teammate, Devin Harris.

ANOTHER ONE LIKES THE CUFFS

Steelers’ linebacker faces assault charges

Harrison's latest penalty will be more than just
fifteen yards and an automatic first down.

Every professional athlete in America thrives on the opportunity to surpass milestones and shatter long-standing statistical records. It seems like professional football players continuously take the “anything you can do, I can do better” mantra to unheard-of and, frankly, recklessly idiotic levels.

It is one thing for the career rushing crown to pass through the hands of Jim Brown, Walter Payton, and Emmitt Smith; or the single-season passing touchdown trophy to bounce from Marino to Manning to Brady. It is a whole different level of one-upmanship when convicts and degenerates on the gridiron pad their rap sheets instead of their stats in the box score.

James Harrison, a five-year veteran linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arraigned on Sunday after being charged with assaulting his girlfriend. 29-year-old Beth Tibbott reported that after an argument, Harrison kicked down a locked door, broke her iPhone in half, and finally backhanded her mug, leaving a very nice (but backwards) Super Bowl XL logo on her forehead.

The Commissioner / Warden

Harrison joins Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael Vick, and the ever-increasingly annoying “Spy Gate”, as virtual aneurisms in the brain of Roger Goodell, not to mention O.J. Simpson’s occasional and friendly reminders that he is, in fact, the Great Slash-Bino in the League of Penitentiary Gentlemen.

TOBACCO OWED

Hansbrough’s heels outwit, outplay, and outlast Dukies

As all in attendance wore baby-blue ribbons in memory of slain Chapel Hill student Eve Marie Carson, the greatest rivalry in the collegiate ranks took center stage in the sports world on Saturday as the Heels landed eight miles from home and into Cameron Indoor Stadium to finish their regular season against the Blue Devils on Senior Night. Ex-Dukies Jay Williams, Chris Duhon, and Christian Laetttner looked on, as well as Peyton and Eli Manning. Hines Ward and Deion Branch could not make it due to scheduling conflicts.

Any meeting always raises the intensity on Tobacco Road and frequently sparks crowd fist-fights, but here’s to throwing fuel on that humid fire: the Heels are ranked #1, Duke is ranked #5, the ACC regular-season title comes down to this game, and the winner can almost assuredly pencil themselves in as the top seed in the East Region (which would allow them to skateboard to their first four tournaments games this year held in Raleigh and Charlotte).

With the possible exceptions of Tyler, Ty Lawson, and DeMarcus Nelson, Saturday night’s contest was a veritable showcase of talented players who will soon be gracing NBA benches with their warm buttocks or lighting up scoreboards in eastern Europe (anyone know what Sheldon Williams and Sean May have been up to lately?).

Carolina quickly jumped out into the lead and built up a double-digit advantage in the first half, but Greg Paulus and those gigantic bags under his eyes rainbowed in triple after triple to keep the Devils within striking range. Fighting back in the latter half after a thorough verbal bombardment in the locker room from Coach K (which probably sounds funny), Duke took a 68-66 lead with just over five minutes left in the ball game. However, Duke’s small run-and-gun lineup ran out of gas and was kept off the scoreboard to the final buzzer, succumbing to the Heels, 76-68.

All-American Tyler Hansbrough finished with 16 points and 15 boards despite his night-long absence from the stripe (shocking because of all the crotch-grabbing that goes on in the low post). Duke’s lack of significant inside presence will become a major (and possibly decisive) factor in two weeks if they keep shooting 33% from the floor. Or another options is to call Elton Brand or Carlos Boozer and see if either of them has a little brother or something.

Also making headlines in amateur ball on Saturday:

• Winthrop, Austin Peay, and Belmont joined Cornell and officially punched their tickets to the NCAA after winning their respective conference tournaments. Sadly, all four failed to flip their tickets over to find “good for one first-round trouncing” written on the back.
• UCLA’s Josh Shipp plays H.O.R.S.E. with 2 seconds left against Cal by dropping in a game-winning tear-drop bucket that was shot from behind and soared over the outer edge of the backboard. There’s only one thing: that’s an illegal shot.
• With a loss to Arizona State, Oregon State became the first Pac-10 team to pull a Yuc-caneers and go winless in conference play. Safe to say their bubble has officially burst.

M.I.A.-MI

South Beach Diet: Losses

Somewhere in Bel Air, there is a hole in the heart of one Fresh Prince Will Smith for his second home on the other side of the nation. The Miami sports franchises, consisted of the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins, are in as dire a situation as the South Beach shores are white and sandy.

While all three franchises have found some varying levels of success in recent years, each has gone through recent roster transformations that have Nip/Tucked the sports landscape as dramatically as the booming cosmetic surgery industry. Now toiling at the bottom of their respective standings, dark clouds have rolled into south Florida and the recent days of fun in the Miami sun seem so far away.

Heat. Just two years after winning their first NBA title, the Heat broke up their mini-Justice League, shipping Superman out West and leaving Flash trying to find a new connection with newcomer, Shawn Marion. This comes after a season-long hold of the worst record in the L, and sixty-two year old Head Coach Pat Riley threatening to lace up his high-top Chucks after seeing too many of his “4 Strong” slog through games thinking about Cabo. Riley blasted his team after another blowout loss recently, saying “The season is over for them. That's how they're playing. Some of them anyhow.''

Perhaps now that Dwyane Wade has finally gotten into the Chuckster’s Fave Five, Flash can concentrate on his main goal of playing some basketball, or at least with the way the season has gone, tank in style. As no help seems to be in sight for the Heat, white hot shirts might be going out of fashion real quick.

Marlins Much has been made about the small-market, low-payroll Marlins and their revolving cast of characters ever since winning their out-of-nowhere World Series titles in 1997 and then again in 2003. 2008 will be no exception, as the Marlins were gutted and mainstays Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were shipped to Motown in the offseason. The Marlins return outstanding infielder Hanley Ramirez to carry the bulk of the offense, but Ramirez alone won’t be able to produce enough numbers to allow the future Miami Marlins to compete with the Mets or Braves.

Dolphins. Perhaps the only thing that did go right for the 2007 Dolphins came courtesy of another team. The New England Patriots’ all-time choking of the big one in Super Bowl XLII, allowed the 1972 Dolphins to remain the only citizens of Perfectville. But that still happened more than 25 years ago, folks. The 1-15 Dolphins shipped Chris Chambers to the left coast and brought in the Big Tuna to right the ship for 2008. But alas, not even Ace Ventura will be able to save Ronnie Brown, Dancing with the Stars’ Jason Taylor and the rest of the Dolphins from sinking to the bottom of the AFC East once again.

UCLA SHOE-IN'S

Invitation's in the mail for the Bruins

Golden C's in town of golden "DD's"

With a bruised-and-battered John Wooden in the minds of all at Pauly Pavilion (and in front of Jack Nicholson, who just looks bruised and battered), the Bruins rallied from a double-digit first-half deficit (with alarm bells sounding loudly) to claim their third consecutive regular-season Pac-10 title and take over the driver's seat for the #1 seed in the West.

It’s not the conclusion that was much of any surprise (the Bruins are winning ball games at a rate not seen in Westwood since Kareem was signing sorority boobs as “Lew”), but the way they rose to victory that was more of a bolt from the blue, by being taken to the brink by an upstart Cardinal squad. Three, four, or possibly even five more teams will join them in representing the conference later this month.

Also looking good to skip school finals as a #1 Seed:

North Carolina. After relinquishing the top ranking to the likes of Memphis and Tennessee, the Heels regain pole position (that's what she said) going into Championship Week. If they can leave Cameron Indoor and the Crazies (below) in Durham with a vengeful victory on Saturday (and possibly give Coach K his very first gray hair), a top seed is theirs to squander.

Blue Man Group really fell off

Memphis. Sure, the Tigers play in a less-than-titillating Conference-USA and screwed the pooch against the Vols in one of their few tastes of power-conference basketball. But looking beyond the list of wins reveals impressive strengths of victory, with most of their W’s falling under the double-digit win category, including three straight 40-point wins (!) in early January. It will surely be entertaining to watch Memphis navigate through their region. And shoot horrible-looking foul shots.

Tennessee. When the two-time champion Gators disbanded for more money in another league, it left the Volunteers to hold the torch for the SEC. Their first ever stint as the top dog in the land was short lived (about as long as a Francis Ford Coppola movie), but I challenge any team to play well at Vandy when the coach has to call out back-door picks from a concession stand in the parking lot.

NOT EXACTLY ALLSTATE

“It’s been a great career for me, and it’s over. As hard as that is for me to say, it’s over.”

Brett Favre made his retirement official Thursday in an emotionally-charged hour-long press conference in Green Bay. Favre spoke about countless memories he made with the Packers, and mentioned a long list of football names who've helped him throughout his illustrious career during the press conference. Furthermore, Favre achieved yet another record from his seat, surpassing the retirement of John Elway in 1999 for Most Tearful Retirement Speech.

Favre also went on to say that he would be spending his retirement back in Mississippi, doing "nothing", and spending his time away from the NFL with his wife and kids. Ending speculation that he might Be Like Mike and unretire after taking some time second-guessing his decision, Favre nixed the idea along any thoughts of him being involved with the Packer organization and overseeing the development of the new starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.

And thus begins the Rodgers Era, with all of the six-game career experience, to fill in for the face of the franchise for the first time since 1992 . When reached on his cell phone following Favre's initial announcement, Rodgers stated he was "hella stoked" for the chance to finally get some playing time. Rodgers went on to say that the Packers would be just fine with him because "I got a firsthand look at what greatness is all about, and I'm great, so we'll pretty much be great together."

Rodgers after hearing of the promotion

Rodgers realizing what said promotion means

Good luck, Packers.