M.I.A.-MI

South Beach Diet: Losses

Somewhere in Bel Air, there is a hole in the heart of one Fresh Prince Will Smith for his second home on the other side of the nation. The Miami sports franchises, consisted of the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins, are in as dire a situation as the South Beach shores are white and sandy.

While all three franchises have found some varying levels of success in recent years, each has gone through recent roster transformations that have Nip/Tucked the sports landscape as dramatically as the booming cosmetic surgery industry. Now toiling at the bottom of their respective standings, dark clouds have rolled into south Florida and the recent days of fun in the Miami sun seem so far away.

Heat. Just two years after winning their first NBA title, the Heat broke up their mini-Justice League, shipping Superman out West and leaving Flash trying to find a new connection with newcomer, Shawn Marion. This comes after a season-long hold of the worst record in the L, and sixty-two year old Head Coach Pat Riley threatening to lace up his high-top Chucks after seeing too many of his “4 Strong” slog through games thinking about Cabo. Riley blasted his team after another blowout loss recently, saying “The season is over for them. That's how they're playing. Some of them anyhow.''

Perhaps now that Dwyane Wade has finally gotten into the Chuckster’s Fave Five, Flash can concentrate on his main goal of playing some basketball, or at least with the way the season has gone, tank in style. As no help seems to be in sight for the Heat, white hot shirts might be going out of fashion real quick.

Marlins Much has been made about the small-market, low-payroll Marlins and their revolving cast of characters ever since winning their out-of-nowhere World Series titles in 1997 and then again in 2003. 2008 will be no exception, as the Marlins were gutted and mainstays Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were shipped to Motown in the offseason. The Marlins return outstanding infielder Hanley Ramirez to carry the bulk of the offense, but Ramirez alone won’t be able to produce enough numbers to allow the future Miami Marlins to compete with the Mets or Braves.

Dolphins. Perhaps the only thing that did go right for the 2007 Dolphins came courtesy of another team. The New England Patriots’ all-time choking of the big one in Super Bowl XLII, allowed the 1972 Dolphins to remain the only citizens of Perfectville. But that still happened more than 25 years ago, folks. The 1-15 Dolphins shipped Chris Chambers to the left coast and brought in the Big Tuna to right the ship for 2008. But alas, not even Ace Ventura will be able to save Ronnie Brown, Dancing with the Stars’ Jason Taylor and the rest of the Dolphins from sinking to the bottom of the AFC East once again.

UCLA SHOE-IN'S

Invitation's in the mail for the Bruins

Golden C's in town of golden "DD's"

With a bruised-and-battered John Wooden in the minds of all at Pauly Pavilion (and in front of Jack Nicholson, who just looks bruised and battered), the Bruins rallied from a double-digit first-half deficit (with alarm bells sounding loudly) to claim their third consecutive regular-season Pac-10 title and take over the driver's seat for the #1 seed in the West.

It’s not the conclusion that was much of any surprise (the Bruins are winning ball games at a rate not seen in Westwood since Kareem was signing sorority boobs as “Lew”), but the way they rose to victory that was more of a bolt from the blue, by being taken to the brink by an upstart Cardinal squad. Three, four, or possibly even five more teams will join them in representing the conference later this month.

Also looking good to skip school finals as a #1 Seed:

North Carolina. After relinquishing the top ranking to the likes of Memphis and Tennessee, the Heels regain pole position (that's what she said) going into Championship Week. If they can leave Cameron Indoor and the Crazies (below) in Durham with a vengeful victory on Saturday (and possibly give Coach K his very first gray hair), a top seed is theirs to squander.

Blue Man Group really fell off

Memphis. Sure, the Tigers play in a less-than-titillating Conference-USA and screwed the pooch against the Vols in one of their few tastes of power-conference basketball. But looking beyond the list of wins reveals impressive strengths of victory, with most of their W’s falling under the double-digit win category, including three straight 40-point wins (!) in early January. It will surely be entertaining to watch Memphis navigate through their region. And shoot horrible-looking foul shots.

Tennessee. When the two-time champion Gators disbanded for more money in another league, it left the Volunteers to hold the torch for the SEC. Their first ever stint as the top dog in the land was short lived (about as long as a Francis Ford Coppola movie), but I challenge any team to play well at Vandy when the coach has to call out back-door picks from a concession stand in the parking lot.

NOT EXACTLY ALLSTATE

“It’s been a great career for me, and it’s over. As hard as that is for me to say, it’s over.”

Brett Favre made his retirement official Thursday in an emotionally-charged hour-long press conference in Green Bay. Favre spoke about countless memories he made with the Packers, and mentioned a long list of football names who've helped him throughout his illustrious career during the press conference. Furthermore, Favre achieved yet another record from his seat, surpassing the retirement of John Elway in 1999 for Most Tearful Retirement Speech.

Favre also went on to say that he would be spending his retirement back in Mississippi, doing "nothing", and spending his time away from the NFL with his wife and kids. Ending speculation that he might Be Like Mike and unretire after taking some time second-guessing his decision, Favre nixed the idea along any thoughts of him being involved with the Packer organization and overseeing the development of the new starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.

And thus begins the Rodgers Era, with all of the six-game career experience, to fill in for the face of the franchise for the first time since 1992 . When reached on his cell phone following Favre's initial announcement, Rodgers stated he was "hella stoked" for the chance to finally get some playing time. Rodgers went on to say that the Packers would be just fine with him because "I got a firsthand look at what greatness is all about, and I'm great, so we'll pretty much be great together."

Rodgers after hearing of the promotion

Rodgers realizing what said promotion means

Good luck, Packers.

CRICKET ADMIRE-LESS

The Houston Rockets are not the only thing streaking....

VIDEO

Andrew Symonds pwns a nude man at a
cricket match in Australia Wednesday.

THE SUN-NY IMPAIRED TRAGEDY HOUR?

Suns stumbling to keep pace in the race

It still early March, but the heat is turning up at a sweltering rate. No, not our one-time friends that we don't want to be associated with anymore playing junior varsity ball down in South Florida, but perhaps the temperature in the deserts of the Southwest. Or maybe the competitiveness of nine or ten playoff-worthy clubs jockeying for position in a cramped 8-passenger playoff van headed for May. But more assuredly, it could refer to the increasingly blistering heat in the office of Steve Kerr at US Airways Arena.

It has been nearly a month into the 2008 Shaq Experiment. Is it still to early to say “oops”?

The Phoenix Suns are the most successful franchise in the NBA that has never played up to potential in early and mid-June. Over the last 17 seasons, Phoenix has only missed post-season play twice, and in the modern Nash-era over the past three and a half years, they have won at least one playoff series and have twice taken the court as one of the league’s final four. They have truly mastered the art of successful futility, drawing heavy influences from franchises including the Buffalo Bills and the Seattle Seahawks.

Last summer, Steve Kerr put down the TNT broadcasting headset and picked up the executive telephone for the Suns (there’s only so much of Marv’s “serve up a facial!” a man can take). Trying to take the franchise to a previously-unattained level, Steve took the ultimate gamble and brought in Superman to park his 7-foot-1 frame in the unpainted lane in hopes of bringing the O'Brien trophy to Arizona. Shaq and Kerr each brought a fair amount of jewelry (a combined eight rings) with them to the desert, so honestly, neither of them can be too bummed about watching the Lakers and Celtics play in June.

To make all of you in Cactus Land feel a little better about your team (and also about living in America’s “outdoor shed”), they haven’t been walking on a golden road the past few weeks, bumping into the likes of the Lakers, Pistons, Celtics, and Hornets. But there’s no getting around the fact that before the Shaq deal, the Suns managed a stout 37-16 record, and since suiting the Diesel up in the ugliest colors in the NBA, they have stumbled to a rare 3-5 stretch mark over the past 15 days, free-falling to the sixth seed, and in foreseeable danger of finding themselves on the outside-looking-in on a Western Conference playoff picture as crowded as below-deck on the Amistad. (Get the point? It’s crowded out here.)

Shaq told me to write this one down: “The Sun will rise in Phoenix”. Well Dr. O’Neal, it’s freezing out here and I still can’t see anything.

FAVRE OUT-for real

Favre ends storied 17-year career


In a move that has been an off-season will he-won’t he befitting a soap opera for the past 3 seasons, Brett Favre finally decided to hang up the green parka, yellow pants and ride off into the Wisconsin wind-chill for good Tuesday. After his historic season, in which records were toppled like the tin cans he shot at as a mulletted Mississippi youth, Favre leaves the Packers a stubbly god among Cheeseheads and Green Bay scrambling in search of any building, park, and roadway to name in his honor.

What can be said about Favre that hasn’t already been said by John Madden a couple thousand times? In an era in which sports icons from the last decade, names such as McGwire, Bonds, Clemens, and Shaq fall from grace before our very eyes, the 38-year old Favre inexplicably rolled the way back clock to 1997 and gave every right-minded football fan across America one more historic season to enjoy. Despite finishing the NFC Championship game looking like the old Favre in age only, his 2007 season will be remembered more for his record breaking achievements: Quarterback career wins, touchdown passes, passing yards, and passes to the opposition, and the last of his amazing career.

Brett Favre played quarterback every Sunday with the passion of a regular Joe off his recliner, living his dream playing his favorite game, rather than with the aura that comes with being arguably the greatest quarterback of his, if not all, generation. With TomBot’s successful attempts to actually be as unlikable and monotonous as he is good*, how can anybody say they won’t miss seeing Favre charging down the field and being among the first to congratulate his teammate after a touchdown pass, or getting in the face of fat opposing linemen after scrambling away and breaking his defense down for yet another touchdown pass? Football’s ironman took hit after hit during his seventeen-year career, but sacks and tackles, addictions and off-field tragedies proved to be no match for #4. Favre was so likable and, probably even successful, because he played with an unbridled love for the game. Michael Jordan famously had it, Brett Favre definitely had it.


So if Favre has indeed taken his last Lambeau Leap, what a way it was for him to go out. He deserves to leave after an incredibly successful season, surpassing all expert expectations, most of all his. Favre proved he had plenty left in the tank, and who knows what another year with Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings and the strong young Packer core could have amounted to. But the talent was still young and unproven, and 3MVPs, 2 Super Bowl trips and 1 glorious career later, he deserves to leave on his own terms. The football-watching world is worse off not having the gift of watching Brett Favre man the green and gold every Sunday, but what a lifetime of memories he’s given already.

A REACH OF CONTRACT

Moss stays; Big Ben wins the lottery

Dear Mr. Moss,

You didn’t fool anyone.

A story that was never really a story but was made out to possibly be a story: such is the free agency of record-holding wide receiver Randy Moss. We know you had never previously been put up for auction on the free agent market (you were on the shelf for about as long as a Wii on December 23^rd), and we know you declared free agency and tested the waters in various needy cities, you tease.

"You ready to blow it?"

Last season, number 81 caught 98 balls for almost 1,500 yards and a gaudy 23 trips to the house on the greatest offensive team that this side of the Milky Way has ever seen. And with that red “L” on the bottom of the Pats’ 07 schedule sticking out like a sore assault and battery charge in Week 19 – I mean, thumb – there was little doubt he would be back square dancing in Foxborough come September. Moss made it official on Monday by agreeing to a 3-year/$27M extension.

And why not? The man is a well-oiled catching machine when he’s not blazed out of his bearded skull. Fans just better pray that now that he’s scored a payday that includes an $8 million-per-year raise, he doesn’t take the effort level back down to about 60-65%. Should he hit pay-dirt (and do that unexplainable curtain-parting celebration) less than ten times this upcoming season, then last year would still be history-making, but nothing really big. Just like the Marshall plane crash, right?

A hundred mil should cover this, right?

Now travel 600 miles to the southeast and drop by the Steel City of Pittsburgh, the home of the best team that in reality isn’t all that spectacular. What do you do when you go a division-best 10-6, but lose to the same non-divisional opponent twice on your home field (I use the term “field” loosely when referring to Ketchup Stadium)? Of course! You write a 9-figure check to a guy who made love to asphalt harder than Diddy in the video for “I’ll Be Missing You” (YouTube it before you say “huh?”).

The new owner of an 8 year/$102M-contract has taken the Steelies to the playoffs three times in four years, and also won that Super Bowl two years ago that everyone has already forgotten about. Who cares if they won despite his performance, not because of it?

Big Ben becomes the seventh player (all quarterbacks) since 2001 to ink such a large, long-term deal. What has become of the other six in the last seven years, you say? Well, one just got turned away by the Raiders (ouch), one is having his leadership capabilities questioned, one is a back-up to a guy who slams beer bongs in Cabo a week before the playoffs, and one just finished his first losing season. Oh, and one’s in federal prison. And the other is Brett Favre, who has contemplated hanging it up every off-season since saying “giddy-up” to a TEN-year deal in 2001.

Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Donovan McNabb, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, and Michael Vick collectively have a 7-6 playoff record since signing their respective record deals. This includes only one trip to the Super Bowl, which was a whooping of the nauseous-McNabb-led Eagles at the hands of the Patriots in SB XXXIX.

Despite being an almost unfair comparison, by himself, Terrific Tom is 14-3 in January and February, and sports three custom-made, rainbow-colored rings.