The Warm Stove

LAKERS-CELTICS: Look Back

2008-06-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

From disappointment to redemption:
Looking back on the Celtics and Lakers' past year.

I. Last Year

As a franchise so rich in history and tradition faded further into the New England sports background behind the likes of the suddenly-perennial Series-winning Red Sox and the Handycam-wielding, perfection-challenging Patriots, the Celtics began to look into the mirror and hate themselves. And just like an obese person tacks on more weight just to qualify for reserved-for-the-morbidly-obese gastro surgery, the tank brigade was out in full force by January as losses began piling up in bunches, whether purposefully or not, to land the coveted #1 draft pick.

The Lakers’ NBA scoring champ Kobe Bryant along with his some-guys stumbled their way through another season of ups and downs, secured a low playoff seed, and then vanished in the Los Angeles smog before casual Laker fans could settle into their plush seats. The Lakers drew the Phoenix Suns for the second consecutive year and were vanquished in 5, after losing in seven the previous year. That gave the Lakers a whopping non-playoff season followed by 2 straight first round defeats in the 3 years since Shaq left Hollywood, and full custody of the Lakers went to Kobe.

II. Offseason

Feeling good about a nearly forty-percent chance of landing one of the coveted top-two selections in the draft, the Celtics put on their green party hats, had the champagne on ice, and already prepared a brand-new jersey, waiting to be embroidered with either franchise-savior "Oden" or "Durant" between the shoulders. In a moment that can only be considered being kicked when down, general manager Danny Ainge took ping-pong balls to face before being granted the privilege of picking…fifth. PWND. Tim Duncan all over again. In a scene cut from the final broadcast, Doc Rivers had to be restrained from taking the podium to spit out several "Oh, hell no's", Kanye glasses and all. Hope that 23-win season was worth it.

What can be said that hasn’t already about the Laker’s offseason. Lose, sulk, make ridiculous and dramatic demands to management. Andrew Bynum was enemy number one, the entire front office close behind, and Kobe still wanted a new partner to help take on the load: Jason Kidd, Kevin Garnett, Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer. No moves were made, and Kobe wanted to be on the next Southwest flight out to his new team in Chicago.

III. Aftermath

It must have been such an emotionally and morally difficult task for Danny Ainge to look his players in the eyes and tell them that most of them suck, although fans were saying that about Doc for years. The Celtics refused such an insulting draft pick and shipped it as far away as possible to Seattle, along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West to acquire an aging but still-sharpshooting Ray Allen. With relationship trouble brewing in Minnesota between a ring-less Garnett and the Timberwolves, Boston saw another opportunity to climb out of the Eastern cellar and leave the Bobcats and Knicks behind.

KG and Ainge met and immediately fell in love, well at least after Allen was already on board. It also didn’t hurt having an inept, former Celtic GM to work with in Kevin McHale, as the Celtics sent Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Theo Ratliff, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, a draft pick, a gross of baked beans, a case of Sam Adams, a signed McHale jersey, corned beef, three iPods, and a book of Sudoku's in the hopes that the Wolves would cut off ties with him. Meet the new Boston Big Three.

As he was taking the GM position in Memphis years ago, Jerry West told Kobe that he would do whatever needed to get Kobe another ring. And, it looks like that reality is about to set. Whether this is true or not, it did look a bit suspicious in February after the trade went down, the 2 teams West helped shape and mold, taking part in a heist for the Lakers: All Star Gasol for stone-handed Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton and 2 future crappy, late first round picks.

Looked even more suspicious seeing West on the Staples Center court last week, handing the Western Conference championship trophy to Bryant, chit-chatting with Pau, and realizing his promise was finally coming to fruition. While West has repeatedly denied being involved in the trade, perhaps he was really doing the Grizzlies a favor, secretly knowing that Kwame would eventually drop the bust label after 7 years and become the next Kareem down low for years in Memphis. Maybe not.

So the rest is regular season history. The top team in the West squares off against the top team in the East. Lakers-Celtics, and a rivalry renewed. KG finally playing in his first NBA Finals. Kobe finally getting back sans Shaq. While both teams have taken extremely different paths through the years getting back to this point, here we are. A fitting culmination to one of the best seasons in recent memory. Congrats, David Stern.

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TOP NBA FLOPS

2008-05-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

With the announcement coming down this week from the League office that clear and egregious flops will be penalized starting next year, a compilation of youtube's finest flops, before they disappear forever...

7. Baron Davis vs. Mehmet Okur

This Baron flop is more hilarious than heinous. A harmless flop after the play that didn't get called, drew giggles from the Warriors TV broadcasters, and a priceless reaction from Okur. Although, Baron's flop had to be retaliation for this...

6. AK47 vs. Matt Barnes

With the Warriors' playoff run coming to an end in Utah, Kirilenko pulled out a grand flop from his arsenal in the final minute. Going for a rebound, after a made free throw no less, AK47 apparently gets blasted by tank-like Barnes, draws Barnes' sixth foul and helps seal the win for the Jazz. Perhaps it was the only way AK47 knew how to respond to this little number.

5. Robert Horry vs. Carlos Boozer

Another Big Flop Bob classic. You have to expect some kind of cheap shot every year from Horry during the playoffs, and this flop from last year's WCF was no exception. Perfect form, minimal contact leading to the 10 foot slide backwards, playing it off just enough to grant you a trip from the line. One of the best.

4. Shaquille O'Neal vs. Tim Duncan

Remember the days when Shaq used to be the most dominant force in the league? When nobody dared enter Shaq's lane against without the danger of a size 22 boot up your ass? Well, those days are gone and Shaq will pull whatever trick he can get his old body to do on defense. Making it all the more hilarious is Shaq's wrath for those Spurs wusses who flop like there's no tomorrow.
3. Pau Gasol vs. Dwight Howard/Hedo Turkoglu

With the first flop by Gasol not even 2 minutes into the game, you know its going to be a long night for the Magic defense. Poor Pau gets bulldozed by bully Howard twice on equally ridiculous offensive fouls, and then gets blasted later by equally-menacing Turkoglu. The calls angered Howard so much he began spewing Bible verses praying for Gasol's cheating soul.

2. Vlade Divac vs. The NBA

In case an elderly, graying Vlade Divac ever looked back on his life and playing career and wondered just what kind of legacy he left on the world he need not look further than this video. of ballers past and present who fondly recall the gift of the flop he bestowed NBA fans for many years. However, after Vlade hung up his sneaks, there's been a new King of Flop flying to free through lines in NBA cities for years...

1. Manu Ginobili vs. The World

If the NBA ruling for flopping penalties can be pointed to the acts of one NBA player, it has to be the Spurs' Argentinean sixth man. Manu, for how great he plays and contributes to the Spurs machine, still relies on the flop while playing defense, to the ire of fans, coaches and players alike. Thinning hair flying, mouth gaping and limbs flailing, Manu has take the flop to a whole new, albeit annoying, level. Here's hoping the new ruling takes the flop away and rewards some actual defense to be played.

Honorable mention: Derek Fisher, Raja Bell

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BULLS-HIT JACKPOT

2008-05-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

As everybody knows the Bulls struck lottery gold last night, beating 1.7% odds of landing the top pick in the June Draft. Just like last year there are 2 major prospects, Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose, that John Paxson can’t wait to get his triple title-ringed hands on. A season removed from their most successful run since MJ owned United, this pick should pay immediate dividends for the Bulls getting back to the playoffs. Or, will it? Just some random musings…

-The Bulls can’t lose with the top pick. That is, unless their pick winds up needing some crazy season-ending microfracture surgery or something… knock on wood. Since neither Beasley nor Rose looks to be 21 going on 57, Bulls fans need not worry. After seeing the carnage CP3 and Deron Williams left behind during the playoffs, the Bulls would do just fine picking hometown boy Rose, who has the total game to join their ranks very soon. But adding Beasley in the frontcourt would probably help Bulls fans forget about all the former big men who’ve come in and stunk up the joint or gone elsewhere and improved their games over the years.

-When the camera panned on Steve Schanwald after the #9 envelope was opened, how disappointing was it not to see this guy? Schanwald was the epitome of corporate tool, flashing his tacky gold jewelry, mouth gaped and accepting the #1 pick with class.

Who didn’t want to see Jerry Krause slam the podium with joy when the Bulls initially moved up, have a mild heart attack during commercial break waiting for the final 3 envelopes, and then another when the Bulls finally won. Krause would have gone all Kanye in the studio, flashed a huge grin on his quadruple-chinned face, and made sure Mike D’Antoni felt his wrath.

-Including this year, the Chicago has been home to seven Top 5 picks in the last 10 drafts. SEVEN. That’s not just any lottery pick, that’s a ridiculous amount of very high drafts picks over the last decade.

The good: Elton Brand (#1 in 1999). That’s it. Ben Gordon (#3 in '04) has worked out OK, but he’s no franchise player.

And the bad: Marcus Fizer (#4 in ’00)... Eddy Curry (#4 in ’01)... Jay Williams (#2 in 2002) but that was just an unfortunate incident for everybody involved. And LaMarcus Aldridge (#2 in 2006) who was shipped for Tyrus Thomas. Whoops. The jury's still out on Joakim Noah (#9 last year), but that's a ton of undeveloped frontcourt players who returned very little value for being such high picks.

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FAMILIAR FOES

2008-05-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Spurs and Lakers lock horns yet again

The NBA Playoffs may finally be worth the watch.

The 2008 edition of the Uber-Conference Finals kick off on Wednesday night, and after a turbulent, chaotic, and outwardly unpredictable Western Conference regular season, no one can really say there are any surprises now that the final two are set.

This year’s league darlings, the New Orleans Hornets, won’t be there after their lack of big-game experience allowed them to squander a 2-0 and 3-2 series lead. The Phoenix Suns, whose championship window appears to be rapidly closing shut and whose 2008 season resembled a “small-stack” poker player going in for one last all-or-nothing hurrah, won’t be playing ball either.

The Los Angeles Lakers and the San Antonio Spurs, two teams that have combined to win seven of the last nine NBA titles, boast four of the last nine MVP’s, and have met in the post-season five times since 1999, will be in the spotlight in the coming weeks. But unlike “Rambo” earlier this year, the latest volume of this serial rivalry should live up to its predecessors, with a few dramatic twists and differences involved.

Kobe is still uncomfortable with Serbia's
dump-taking customs.

There are many little things to look forward to in this series: Robert Horry body-checking Sasha Vujacic into Jack Nicholson’s lap, Manu Ginobili throwing up countless and ridiculously-exaggerated ball fakes from the three-point line, Phil Jackson’s gay jokes, Tim Duncan’s emotional outbreaks that look more like hilarious epileptic seizures, Joey Crawford throwing him out for annoying him, David Robinson looking regal, Michael Finley looking old, Luke Walton looking ugly, Ronny Turiaf looking uglier, and Kobe Bryant’s everlasting pursuit of being viewed as a saint.

After demanding to play on Pluto last summer, Kobe took on a slightly different role in the Laker offense this year: still a leader, but emerging as a director and distributor. Pau Gasol should force Tim Duncan and Fabricio Oberto to play some aggressive interior defense and give up fouls early, and Lamar Odom should be a matchup issue for anyone on the Spurs front line.

But on the other hand, Tony Parker has found his shooting range over the past several games, but will also blow past high picks and ultimately kick the rock out to Ginobili, who will amazingly and conspicuously open to bury a trey.

The younger Lakers, suddenly the flavor of the year, seem to have the talent to dethrone the suddenly aging Spurs, but San Antonio has such an annoying knack to find a way to accomplish things deemed unlikely by their doubters.

In the words of the wise Terrell Eldorado Owens, get cha’ popcorn ready. This one’s going the distance. Lakers in 7.

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OLD GEORGE

2008-05-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Denver coach goes under the knife

Nuggets head coach George Karl underwent left hip replacement surgery on Tuesday, along with colon exploratory surgery that revealed a ragged boot belonging to the Los Angeles Lakers. Coach Karl should be walking cane-less in ten days or so.

No one could see this coming? Royal rumbles, like the one displayed below, are not too kind to rotund, 57-year-old professional sports coaches.

No word yet if defense implant surgery was successful.

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HE SAID NO, NO, NO....

2008-05-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

Lester unhittable, solidifies spot in rotation

Lester celebrates with the 37-foot
doubles factory in the background

It was not even two years ago that the no-hitter seemed to be lost art and missing in action, a la Dave Chappelle and his escape to Africa, a drought which can primarily be attributed to the cream, the clear, flaxseed oil, and heads the size of multi-colored beach balls. However, with the “Steroid Era” in baseball seemingly in its waning stages (and who knows if that is even true) coupled with more rigid performance-enhancing drug testing, good pitching has come back in full force to dominate good hitting. Don’t these players know that there is no HGH test yet? Get at it, fellas!

Red Sox southpaw Jon Lester threw 2008’s first no-no against the Murderer’s Row of Kansas City on Monday, the fourth such pitching performance in the last 13 months, and the second straight Boston pitcher to do so, after Clay Buchholz took “Baseball Tonight” by storm last September after no-hitting the O’s. Looks like the two youngsters have a big reason to hold their heads up high as they walk past the lockers of rotation-mainstays Beckett, Matsuzaka, and even Schilling, should he ever stop running his mouth from the DL and pick up an onion sometime this century.

The former bald-headed chemo patient garnered his third W of the season, fanning nine Royals and walking a pair in the process.

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CASH OUT

2008-05-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

Chuck undergoes self-intervention, World laughs

Well-versed basketball analyst, casino aficionado, and zero-time NBA champion Charles Barkley spoke out about his self-admitted gambling problems on Monday, finally realizing “enough is enough” and asked to be colored up.

After reports that he owed the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas a tidy sum of $400,000 USD, the Round Mound publicly declared that his wagering days are over…at least for now.

"I like to go into Vegas, it's a fun place, but you know what, I've got to stop gambling. That's the bottom line. I am not going to gamble anymore. For right now, the next year or two, I'm not going to gamble."

Later, Barkley took some heavy action on Big Brown, the Lakers, Barack Obama in November’s election, and himself having the ugliest golf swing in history.

Remember folks, he is not a role model.

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TO FINISH OR NOT TO FINISH

2008-05-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

Celts fall flat again (surprise), Lakers roll on

Monday! Monday! Monday!

The seemingly endless, often ugly, so annoyingly predictable, and just plain boring Conference Semifinals of the 2008 NBA Playoffs will graciously come to a needy conclusion by the beginning of next week, much to the joy of almost everyone sans the fans in the unfortunate losing cities.

Throughout the regular season, the Boston Celtics seemed to display the attitude, poise, and demeanor of champions, despite the well-known lack of June jewelry on the fingers of any of their starting five. This was the team that won 31 games outside the state of Massachusetts. This is the team that line-danced victoriously through the dreaded Texas triangle while chewing on toothpicks. It’s hard to believe that a team so dominant throughout the long season has struggled so embarrassingly on opposing courts, dropping to a vomit-inducing 0-6 playoff road record after succumbing to LeBron James and the Cavs, 74-69, on Friday night.

That’s right, the final count after 48 brutal minutes was 74 to 69. It is widely known in basketball circles that both Boston and Cleveland pride themselves on their ability to deny points, boasting league-best defenders in KG and Ben Wallace, not to mention Anderson Varejao, his four limbs, and forty fro curls to contest every shot. But come on. Sixty-nine points? Get out of the masonry yard.

This isn’t like watching a pitching duel. Watching basketball defensive dominance coupled with offensive shortcomings sucks. It sucks more than hearing a cheerleading “DE-FENSE” chant blaring from the PA system at the Quicken Loans Arena literally every single time the C’s brought the rock upcourt.

I found myself continuing to watch the game just to see Sam Cassell throw playing-time tantrums while lying on the floor staring up at the rafters.

In Friday’s other game, Kobe Bean put up 34 points and the Lakers fended off a late fierce Utah rally to close out the Jazz in six games in front of nearly 20,000 angry white people screaming “Ref, you suck!” in eerie unison. It marked only the second time the Lakers won a ball game in Utah and only the second victory for a road team in the second round.

So two decisive final games are set. The Cavs and Celtics painfully clash one last time this season on Sunday, while Monday’s Game 7 showcases Chris Paul, the New Orleans Hornets, and a league-wide and nearly ironclad home-court edge square off against the defending-champion Spurs.

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ROUNDERS MOUND

2008-05-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

Barkley could face criminal charges

Sir Charles Barkley, NBA Hall of Famer, TNT analyst, and notorious Las Vegas patron may need to call up buddy Dwayne Wade to shoot a few more T-Mobile commercials this summer. Barkley could face charges stemming from a refusal to repay the Wynn Resort a $400,000 debt he stemming from last October. The Wynn reported that Barkley received 4 $100,000 markers, but had not yet paid the resort back, despite numerous attempts for restitution.

When Chuck was finally reached Thursday playing in a Pro-Am in Alabama, with money on the line, no doubt, he owned up to the mistake and vowed to pay back the gambling debt in full. Furthermore, he went on to say the debt stemmed from a loss suffered during the Super Bowl and not from the October incident as was reported, a loss that caused Barkley to become "depressed" over the $400 grand he lost on the Patriots. The Round Mound can now empathize with the majority of fantasy owners and officially laminate his "Screwed by Tom Brady" club. No word on whether Barkley will call up Kevin Spacey for some blackjack advice.

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TAYSHAUN-DAY

2008-05-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

Pistons rain over Orlando, advance to East Finals

Detroit flyin

Tayshaun Prince made sure Hedo Turkoglu wasn’t successful in pitching the movie sequel, “European Swingmen Can’t Jump” by sending away the Orlando Magic’s last second dunk attempt, and sending Orlando fishing for the summer. With the 91-86 victory, the Detroit Pistons yet again advanced to the Eastern Conference finals, their 6th consecutive trip, despite missing point guard Chauncy Billups once more with the lame hammy.

Billups’ decision to play it safe or, really, realizing that Orlando’s chances of coming back in the series were as low as Adonal Foyle’s minutes per game, allowed several Pistons to pick up the load. Richard Hamilton once again led the way with 31 points, as well as 17-11 from Antonio McDyess and 15 points from rookie guard Rodney Stuckey stepping up in Billups’ spot.

The Pistons threw bricks towards the rim all night, shooting just 36% to the Magic’s 48%. However, going 28-32 from the charity stripe, as well as a 21-3 turnover advantage offset Detroit’s total lack of an offensive game. The 3 turnovers were an NBA Playoff low, while the Magic suffered a playoff-high with their 21 givebacks.

After both teams traded baskets in a closely contested second half, the Pistons pulled away in the fourth with a furious 13-3 run. However, the Magic stormed back late to pull within one with just under four minutes remaining, but used up every once of reserve magic in making the game close at the end, unable to take advantage. After sinking back-to-back buckets with a minute left, Turkoglu assumed the role of Superman from his teammate in the game's waning moments. Down three, Turkoglu questionably drove towards the rim instead of going for the tie, and tried to spike the ball, a la Lebron James last night, over the waiting Pistons. Unfortunately, Hedo’s heroic attempt backfired, instead had a complete Anderson Varejao moment, as Prince sent the ball away to secure the series-clinching victory.

whoops...

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THE DAY AFTER

2008-05-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

LeBron tells mom her day was yesterday

In an 88-77 victory to tie up their Semifinal series against Boston, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers gave his mother a belated gift: a hearty can of "Sit Yo' Azz Down!" How cute is that?

With the series tied at two games apiece, the drama shifts back to "Titletown" and the TD Banknorth Garden (rolls right off the tongue). It appears to be simple: the Celtics dominate at home and lose on the road, which, with their home court advantage throughout, they can ride all the way to the trophy.

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TONY SOPRANO?

2008-05-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Cowboys' QB serenades the Cubbie faithful

Congratulations, Ozzy. You now can relinquish your title as "Worst 7th-Inning Stretch Singer in Wrigley History" and hand over the trophy to none other than our Guy-Gone-Wild, Mr. Anthony Romo, at least for the time being.

With a team loaded with more explosive personalities than another annoying season of "The Real World", Tony wanted to take a load off, and what better way to do that than agree to butcher "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in front of 40,000 Bears' fans.

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IF YOU WANT THINGS DONE RIGHT....

2008-05-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

Indians second baseman completes the game's rarest of rarities

Cleveland's Asdrubal Cabrera snagged a hot line drive, stepped on a bag, and tagged a guy in the chest...or an unassisted triple play, if you want to be cool about it. Monday marked only the fourteenth time the feat has occurred in the history of Major League Baseball, less than the number of perfect games and four-jack days, so please write down what you did today so that one day, you have an answer to your children's inevitable question, "What were you doing on the day Asdrubal Cabrera got that TP?"

Well done, As-Cab.

VIDEO

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KB'S DAY OUT

2008-05-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Bryant tops ceremony with Game 2 victory

Kobe Bryant fanatics worldwide, and haters alike, can pretty much agree that Bryant had a pretty damn good day Wednesday, a day after officially accepting his first Most Valuable Player award and stripping it from the 3 year stranglehold of pasty foreigners with weird hair. Bryant took the handoff from The Commish, who called Bryant "the brightest star of all stars" or something like that, hoisted the Maurice Podoloff for the Staples Center contingent, and then proceeded to beat down the Utah Jazz 120-110 to take a 2-0 series lead.

The Lakers' seemed to be able to score from all over the hardwood as 4 starters poured at least 19 points, including Kobe's 34, Derek Fisher's 22 against his former squad, and 19-16 from Lamar Odom. Deron Williams' 25 point and 10 dimes were the lone bright spot for the Jazz, as Carlos Boozer brokeout in forehead acne only, chipping in a measly 10 points on 3-10 shooting. The series shifts back to the Utah mountains where the Jazz of course have enjoyed an incredible 37-4 home record this season in front of their extended (literally) family.

For Bryant, it just goes to show you how productive "an idiot" owner can be when he's pushed, and what good a ridiculous offseason tirade throwing teammates and management under a bus can bring. Lucky for Bryant and his big mouth, Mitch Kupchack had the nerve not to ship Kobe to Chicago, and instead pulled off one of the greatest heists in recent memory. Kupchack turned The Uber-bust of all busts into All-Star and second fiddle, Pau Gasol, and gave the Lakers the edge to make it back to the Finals. Apparently, Stephen A. agreed. But, I digress. Winning heals all wounds, and as the Lakers enjoyed chemistry not seen in Southern Cali since the early 2000s, memories of the summer drama vanished as victories piled up this season. Bryant simply had a better season than Chris Paul's spectacular campaign, whose time will eventually. Bryant's paid his dues, put up several MVP-worthy seasons, and this was simply the time, deservedly so, to acknowledge the greatest player on the planet's valuable-ness.

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UGLIER THAN THOU

2008-05-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

Celtics squeeze out win, LeBron stays late to measure the baskets

After throwing up enough bricks to rebuild half of Southeast Asia, King James and the Pips fell to the top-seeded Celtics by a NCAA-like final score of 76-72 in Game 1 of the East Semis, much to the dismay of thousands of bloated couch-dwelling Clevelanders still digesting their 23-cent Papa John pizzas. In a game with statistics that would make Dr. Jack Ramsay turn in his grave (a combined 36% field-goal percentage and 38 total turnovers), LeBron nearly put together the ugliest triple-double in playoff history, going an abysmal 2-for-18 from the parquet floor and ten turnovers to go along with nine boards and nine helpers in a losing effort.

The Chosen One could attribute his sub-par performance to post-season jitters, the pressure of carrying the team on his shoulders, or simply the heebie-jeebies of being in his beloved Evil Empire’s enemy territory. James could have seen a tough shooting night coming while sight-seeing earlier in the week when he couldn’t hit the Atlantic Ocean from a beach on Cape Cod. The Celtic Faithful (forget the nineties) responded by awarding him the “Best Actor in a Fouled Role” after supposedly exaggerating a flagrant foul courtesy of Sam I Am late in the first half.

LeBron misses a potential tying lay-up in the final seconds

Aside from Gahhh-nett and Rondo, basketball did not look that all that much prettier for the C’s, who walked away with a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series. The rest of the Boston Three Party turned out to be party poopers, combining for four points and nine rebounds. Ray Allen a.k.a. Jesus Shuttlesworth went 0-for-a-lucky-4 from the field in a brutal 37 minutes and ended up with as many points as Danny Ainge, the first time Allen has been blanked since his rookie season in 1996.

Wait, Dr. Ramsay is still alive? Get the hell outta here....

All things considered, Boston takes a much-needed pivotal early lead in the series after being taken to the limit by Zaza’s Hawks, while the Cavs look to regroup and take Game 2 on Thursday at the Garden, where hopefully the hoop lids will be taken off.

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KERRY-ED AWAY

2008-05-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday marks the ten-year anniversary of a young, brash, and infinitely-healthier rookie hurler Kerry Wood punching out TWENTY Astros on the way to a one-hit complete-game victory at Wrigley. Now a permanent fixture in the 'pen, Kerry can have a beer and remember a time that wasn't too long ago, but yet seem so far, far away....

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THE PURSUIT OF ELOQUENCE

2008-05-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

Zaza Pachulia's motivational speaking seminar tour started last Friday following the conclusion of Altanta's Game 6 victory over Boston, and it will surely be a undeniable success for the 24-year-old Georgian.

There really was "nothing easy" in Game 7 for the Hawks on Sunday, who were trounced by 34 points.

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THERE CAN ONLY BE ZOHAN... AND BARON

2008-05-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

Boom and Zohan Spoof

From aerodynamics

Further proof that Baron's one of the league's most entertaining personalities. Though I don't think he's cut his hair since the season ended.

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COLT GUN AND RUN

2008-05-02T13:30:00.001-07:00

Harrison in alleged shooting

Keep running, starvin marvin

Another Indiana professional athlete may be facing some legal action for taking gun practice outdoors. And this time, it’s not an Indiana Pacer. Colts pro bowl receiver Marvin Harrison, the state’s 2nd biggest athlete behind Peyton Manning, is alleged to have shot at a fleeing patron outside of his hometown Philadelphia bar, Playmakers, after an argument and fistfight broke out between Marvin and said patron. The patron was struck in the hand, and a young girl was struck by flying glass shattered from a nearby car window.

Tests showed that the gun fired did indeed belong to Marvin, one of a ridiculous 25 pieces registered under his name. Harrison claimed he owned a similar gun, but it had not left his Philly home. The gun was found in a bucket at a Harrison-owned car wash, and it was determined that gun had indeed fired seven shots. Whoops.

Known for being one of the best receivers in the game, his quiet demeanor on and off the field, and being a veteran leader in the Colts’ locker room, this shocking allegation comes after Harrison’s least productive, injury-filled season last year. Although, his numbers may pick up after being Michael Vick's main target next year in lockdown.

You'll be alright, Marvin

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MOTOWN SOUND

2008-05-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

76ers eliminated; Magic await Pistons

While the Washington Wizards were putting on their best in-your-grill, 80's Bad Boys-era Pistons against MJ impression against Lebron James last week, the modern era Pistons were lacking the intestinal fortitude and dominance they displayed during regular season early in their set with the 76ers. The 76ers stormed out of the gates in the series, winning the initial game in Motown and then taking a 2-1 series lead with a convincing 95-75 victory last Friday in Philly. Perhaps nobody expected the 76ers to take the series, but the energy the Pistons showed, basically none, was unexpected for this veteran team. The 76ers played a balls-to-the-wall, frentic-paced style in their victories and ran circles around the Pistons. That is, until the Pistons decided to play for real and finally disposed of the 76ers on their home court in six.

The Pistons were led by 24 from Rip Hamilton, as well as 20 and 7 assists from Chauncy Billiups in the winning effort, which was never in doubt from the beginning. The Pistons ran the score up early just as they did in game 5, and cruised from there. No Iggy exerting his will whenever and wherever, no Thaddeus Young electrifying and lifting his teammates, no Andre Miller matching and even outplaying Chauncy as he did in the first few games.

This was a thorough whipping, one that was expected but came far later than it should have in the minds many. The young 76ers woke the Pistons up, played their pace and, with maybe a little bit of luck, won a couple games. The Pistons finally showed up to win the next 3 games in their style, upping the defensive pressure and forcing turnovers, but more so making the 76ers take contested shots that led to just 34% shooting in the final game.

The Pistons will need to maintain the recent intensity level as they now face the rested Magic, who will probably bring a lot of the same energy and attacking style the 76ers deployed. With as good an inside-outside game as any in the league, the Pistons have their work cut out for them. 20/20 man Dwight Howard is no Samuel Dalembert and can punish inside all day long, while Orlando also has a number of players who can hit from outside.

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THE PRODIGAL SUNS

2008-04-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

After digging own grave, Phoenix closes own casket and delivers eulogy

The fourth quarter of Game 5 of the Spurs/Suns playoff set was a virtual microcosm of the entire series, nay, the entire Suns season. After retooling, re-strategizing, re-thinking their own run-and-gun basketball methods, and giving themselves every opportunity to be in a position to come out on top, the suddenly aging Suns end another thriving season as losers, a predicament that has grown into a tiresome annual tradition.

"High Five!"

This was the series that Steve Kerr was brought in for. This was the series that the “Most Dominant Ever” was wooed in for, cape and all. This was the series that was on the minds of everyone involved in the organization since last July. After being ousted at the hands of perfectly-programmed robots known as the Spurs in three of the last five seasons, this was the year that everyone in Arizona felt was finally the year that the Suns leaped over old cumbersome hurdles on their way to Finals glory. It will have to wait another painful year.

You can dispose of those Game 6 tickets, Suns fans. It’s time to sell them to a blind kid and sport your D-Backs jersey full-time.

Is Mike D’Antoni to blame? Possibly. Can the finger be pointed at Steve Kerr? It can and probably will. But neither of those two turned the ball over seven times in the final quarter, including a couple scarce Nash dishing gaffes and an air-mail package sent via Boris Diaw that flew across the floor and into the hands of Ian Mahinmi keeping his seat on the Spurs bench nice and toasty, quite possibly his first touch of the season. Neither of those two missed 17 foul shots in an elimination game (well, one could argue that Kerr missed those free throws vicariously throw O’Neal).

The Spurs, on the other hand, will strap on their golden chaps, saddle up, and head forward into very well-known territory: deeper and deeper into the West Playoffs. In fact, if history holds true, their closeout victory over the Suns bodes particularly well: each time they have beaten their rivals from the desert in the post-season since 2003, they have gone on to win an NBA Finals that absolutely no one watched or cared about.

It all seemed so familiar: squeaky-clean David the Admiral sitting courtside, flashing lights in the shape of a buckaroo and bronco lighting up the rafters at the AT&T Center, and Timmay Duncan putting the series away with a pair of last-second free throws amongst a bombardment of ridiculous “M.V.P.” chants. In the West Semis, San Antonio draws an increasingly confident New Orleans Hornets team who exiled the Mavs and look to take down another Southwestern Division foe.

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CELTIC SLIDE

2008-04-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Celtics get A-Town Stomped; Series tied 2-2

Back to Beantown

If there was one thing we learned from last year’s playoffs, its that there’s no such thing as a sure thing. Just ask Dirk Nowitzki. His Dallas Mavericks, with their incredible, league-best 67-15 record, top billing in the Western Conference and 6th best record of all time, met the lowly Golden State Warriors, an upstart team who hadn’t made the playoffs in over a decade. It was supposed to be an easy victory, a lock to advance for a team with championship aspirations, and nothing less. Of course, we know what happened after that.

This season, the Boston Celtics have been championship contenders all season, even back to early summer when the Big Three 2.0 left New Englanders itching for their first championship in 22 years. They were matched up with the Atlanta Hawks, a lowly 8th seed with the worst record of any playoff team, and first time playoff-participants in nearly a decade. Sound familiar? After easily winning the first two games in the Garden, and making the Hawks look like merely a JV squad unable to hang with the big boys, the series shifted to Hotlanta. And then things got interesting. Believe it or not, the young Hawks emerged to tie the series tonight and delivered a solid blow to Goliath’s green mug with a 97-92 victory. This may be history in the making… again.

Joe Johnson poured in 35 points, an amazing 20 coming in the final frame, while Josh Smith nearly matched his teammate with 28 as well. Johnson and the Hawks showed the veteran poise usually expected from the Celtics and seemed to want it more, outscoring Boston 32-17 in the fourth. Things got heated in the second when Zaza Pachulia got in the face of Kevin Garnett after his errant loose elbow connected with with Pachulia. It was a testament that this series is far from over, and that Boston has it coming if they think the Hawks are going to keel over so easily.

The overconfident Celtics, who all season long have looked as poised and mature as any team not named the San Antonio Spurs, have all of a sudden looked frustrated and capable of being knocked down. The Celtics thought they were capable of beating the Hawks at their own style, a mistake that just tied this series. While the Celtics will more than likely come back and take this series, starting back in Boston on Wednesday, they look vulnerable, capable of being had. But there’s a chink in their armor, the Big Three don’t look as big, and a four game sweep as all of a sudden turned into a best of 3.

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AL BE GETTING OWNED

2008-04-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

Hawks center thinks this is the SEC

Billy Donovan obviously does not talk to his players about what to expect and how to handle themselves amongst the NBA ranks. After Joakim Noah was suspended earlier after his team essentially voted him off at Bulls' tribal council, and Corey Brewer got owned by the rim on a fast break, Al Horford is the latest ex-Gator to make a "splash" in the pro game after taunting ten-year veteran Paul Pierce after nailing a mundane jumpshot in Atlanta's Game 3 win over the Celtics. Pierce did not take the act lightly, walking nearly all the way to the Hawks' bench during the ensuing timeout.

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HIGH FIVE

2008-04-27T11:13:00.001-07:00

Mavs forward “takes a hit”

Down 2 games to a younger and less-experienced Hornets team while shooting a dismal 27% from the floor probably isn’t the best time to admit that you “love weed”. But this is the predicament that All-Star Josh Howard finds himself in after openly discussing his marijuana habits on Michael Irvin’s radio show last Friday, much to the dismay of his agent, publicist, coach, owner, and commissioner.

Who knew?

Howard candidly described his off-season drug use as his “personal choice and personal opinion” after stating that he would not smoke marijuana during the season even if the league did not have a random testing structure. The former Wake Forest star also added that “everybody in the media world and in the sports world knows that NBA players do smoke marijuana,” to which out-ed players around the league responded by sending him thank-you cards.

The consequences for his confessional soliloquy has not been determined by either the Mavericks organization or the league’s front office, while Commissioner David Stern later called to thank Howard for yet another “image problem” amongst the players in his league, to which Howard offered no response except the slightly-audible sounds of bubbling water. One possible solution might include perhaps mandating the wearing of “I Pass On Grass” pins on everyone’s lapels during official NBA engagements, while “where getting baked happens” ads were immediately pulled.

Hours later, the Mavs, back on their home floor at American Airlines Center, ripped the New Orleans Hornets for their first win of the series; no word yet on if Howard was ripped.

The league mandates four random drug tests for every player from October to June, however, it takes three positive piss tests before a suspension or public knowledge of a player’s recreational drug use.

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ENTER PACMAN

2008-04-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Titans, Cowboys agree on terms for Adam Jones

The hoopla is finally over in Nashville, and will just begin in the Big D. The Tennessee Titans and the Dallas Cowpokes agreed in principle to exchange the former West Virginia Mountaineer Adam “Pac-Man” Jones for still-undisclosed terms, but sources are reporting a possible fourth-round pick in the draft this weekend, along with a future pick should Pac-Man actually lace up his cleats this upcoming season. Both teams confirmed the deal on Wednesday and will await approval from the NFL front office.

The move from America’s team marks the second time in as many years that Jerry Jones has welcomed a player coming off of a high-profile, long-term suspension as a result of multiple mug shots. Last November, the Cowboys brought in tackle Tank Johnson after he sat out eight games before eventually being released by da Bears.

Should he finally get reinstated into the league, Jones will have to put other extra-curricular activities on hold, including his professional wrestling tag duo “Team Pacman” which was wrestling under the Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA) promotion, and his hip-hop record label National Street League.

Jones was drafted sixth overall in the 2005 draft by the Tennessee Titans at cornerback and enjoyed his best season during his sophomore campaign, in which he recorded 62 tackles, a sack, one fumble forced, twelve tips, and four picks (one pick-six). However, he arguably shined brightest during kick and punt returns (averaging a league-leading 12.9 yards per return), where he darted and danced by Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde, eating countless dots along the way.

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SHAUN OF THE UNEMPLOYED

2008-04-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Seahawks cut 2005 MVP

On Tuesday, the Seattle Seahawks cut ties with the franchise’s all time leading rusher and 2005 NFL MVP, just 2 years after leading Seattle to Super Bowl XL which ended in defeat to the Pittsburg Steelers. Alexander enjoyed a stellar 2005 season, leading the league in several categories, including rushing yards (1,880) and touchdowns (28). After his stellar and historic run into the record books, Alexander ran his way into the Seahawks bank vault, making out with an 8-year, $62 million dollar, and the richest running back contract at the time. But with a fateful decision that would seal his career fate for a quick dollar, Alexander agreed to appear on the cover of the following season’s Madden 2007, and life would never be the same for #37.

Weighed down in the backfield with all his new found green, if not elevated expectations, as well as the Madden Curse in the air, Alexander suffered his worst season since his rookie year in 2000. Appearing in just 10 games, Alexander recorded a mere 7 touchdowns and 896 rushing yards, while recording a career high 6 fumbles in limited action. 2007 was even worse than 2006, as Alexander suffered another setback. This time to the wrist, much to the dismay of Seahawk fans and fantasy football owners alike, Shaun finished his Seahawks career by scoring 4 touchdowns and rushing for 716 yards in 13 games.

Looking to go in a new direction, the Seahawks cut ties with the main cog in Seattle offense that has made the playoffs for the past 5 seasons. The move leaves quarterback and soup pitchman Matt Hasselbeck to hand the ball off to new backfield mates Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett to fill Alexander’s big shoes. Alexander, now a 30 year old veteran and coming off two injury-plagued seasons, seeks a new employer to take his gap-toothed grin, along with his veteran presence and experience, to a fresh new start.

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EAST COAST DROPPER

2008-04-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Fenway Fanatic gets credited with error

Apparently, Leon Lett's instructional manual "Secure the Ball, then Celebrate" did not sell well in the city of Boston, as exhibited by a fan attending a Rangers-Red Sox game, who, after snagging a whistling foul ball with a spectacular effort in the upper deck, proceeded to let the ball slip to the field level during his best Chad Johnson celebration. Surely to follow him until his last days, this goober could cure cancer and would probably still be known for this ballpark blunder.

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JOBA DESCRIPTION

2008-04-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Yankees management in a tiff over Chamberlain’s role

After three weeks into the season and posting a not-first-place 10-10 record in the American League East (oh, horrors), co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner is back on the mic again, giving ‘em ear-gasms sure to be added to the 2008 Bartlett’s Book of Quotations. He and Brian Cashman, the bombers’ general manager since 1997, entered into a public squabble over the role of young-gun hurler Joba Chamberlain, who is currently doing his damage out of the Yankee bullpen.

Although it has been a general assumption that the former All-American would eventually work his way into the rotation, Hank feels this transition period should be expedited. "I want him as a starter and so does everyone else, including him, and that is what we are working toward and we need him there now," Steinbrenner said. "There is no question about it, you don't have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a set-up guy. You just don't do that. You have to be an idiot to do that."

Who will Hank drop the hammer on when the Yankees get
bounced in the Division Series again?

Cashman argues that Joba should stay in relief-mode, as it is where he is “needed most” to contribute best to the organization, along with the fact that he is currently on an innings limit. However, Youngsters Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy have stumbled out of the gate in the Bronx rotation this season, both getting smoked for a combined 31 earned runs in just over 30 frames. Maybe Hank’s checkbook can overpay the Rocket again, or even summon Kevin Brown out of retirement….

And finally, while we're on topic, a real head-shaker:

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WEST TOAST

2008-04-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

After a season for the ages out in the wild, wild Western conference, the seeds have been determined and the matchups are finally set. 6 teams were jockeying for home court advantage until the end, while 3 teams were duking it out for the final 2 slots, and one team went home with the 2nd greatest record to not be rewarded with postseason play.

Several teams retooled by plucking All Stars off struggling squads, including the modern game's most dominant force. The NBA's MVP will probably be between 2 different yet completely viable candidates, along with the probable Coach of the Year and Rookie of the Year. It's been an incredible and historic season, and it's just getting to the good part...

1. Lakers vs. 8. Nuggets – For all the drama Los Lakers endured the last few seasons: the Shaq ousting, Phil Jackson book saga, three consecutive first round exits, and the unanswered trade demands of a diva in peril last summer, 2008 looks to finally be the Kobe Bryant’s best chance to win his first title sans the former Big Aristotle-turned-Cactus. With a new running mate Pau Gasol by his side, the Lakers are peaking at the right time, having won 8 of 9 with Bryant in full-on MVP mode, beating opponents down and taking names in the process. And who knows, Andrew Bynum may even make a cameo during the series and provide the Lakers another inside presence against Marcus Camby and KMart. Denver is just way too undisciplined and have play 0 defense, doubly bad when having to face the most prolific scorer in the world. When all is settled, the Lakers should easily take care of the Nuggets fast enough for Carmelo Anthony to make it back in time for happy hour back in Denver. Lakers in 5.

2. Hornets vs. 7. Mavericks – The NBA saw its future this season, a dominating force standing all of 6 feet tall, and just about ready to launch himself into true NBA super stardom. This has been the year of Chris Paul and his Hornets, who came out of nowhere this year and took the Big Easy, and the Western Conference, by storm, securing the #2 seed after missing the dance a season before. However, the young upstart Hornets face a veteran Mavericks team on a mission to erase the memories of that historic and humiliating first round exit against the Warriors a year ago. Dirk Nowitzki, without the pressure of past years, will emerge from his playoff funk dating back to Game 3 of the Finals 2 years ago, Jason Kidd, still learning to man this team, will have an incredible match up with CP3, while Josh Howard will probably be a tremendous secondary option and should have a breakout series. Mavericks in 6.

3. Spurs vs. 6. Suns – This should be the most entertaining series of the playoffs, the 3rd matchup between the squads in 4 years. Shaq vs. Timmy. Nash vs. Parker. Amare, Manu, Grant Hill, and Big Shot Bob’s bodychecking hips. While all of us around the country questioned Steve Kerr’s sanity when he made the crazy February trade to bring in an old and overweight Shaq in the run-and-gun Suns offense, this is the series he was gearing up for, Well, it’s 2 months later, Shaq is in better shape, Amare is having arguably his best season ever, and Nash can lead this team in both uptempo and halfcourt styles. However, you never, ever underestimate playoff-version Spurs, who have demonstrated that team chemistry often beats out superb individual talent. San Antonio has the bench to counter the Suns’ different styles of attack, the best coach in the league, and the battle experience, along with the matching hardware, and will be moving on. But damn, it should be fun to watch. Spurs in 7.

4. Jazz vs. 5. Rockets – After a historic 22-game run and rolling over opponents for months, the Rockets were rewarded with a rematch against the Utah Jazz, who ousted the Rockets in 7 last year. This should be another fun series to watch, as both teams get set to duke it out once again, though with a 7 foot 6 void in the Rockets’ game. Yes, Houston reeled off 10 straight even without Yao, but the playoffs are a different beast. I don’t see how Scola can contain Carlos Boozer, who should be absolutely dominant this series, nor is Dikembe Mutombo a good answer for perimiter shooting Okur. Plus, there’s nobody on the Rockets that can stop Deron Williams, though while not as flashy, is right up there with Paul as the top rising Western PG’s. Rafer’s probably going to be out at least the first game with an injury, and he’s probably the best option they have of staying on Dwill. TMac’s had an incredible season and has put to rest those who doubted his body, and his heart, but the matchups are just going to be too unfavorable to overcome the Rockets trying to get McGrady out of the first round. Jazz in 6.

Western Conference Champions: LA Lakers

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FINALE NIGHT SHOWCASE

2008-04-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

With post-season match-ups set and starters gearing up for "Win or Go Home" time, rim-rocking and sky-flying highlights can be hard to come by on the last night of the association's regular season, as seen by Wednesday's Top 10 on NBA TV. The countdown was salvaged, however, by T-Wolves youngster Corey Brewer, who was an integral piece in Florida's back-to-back National Championships and starred in his own "shining moment" at number six.

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NOT SO RAVEN

2008-04-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Aging quarterback hits the eternal shower

After posting a disappointing 2007 campaign (highlighted by a nine-game skid, last place in the AFC North, and a substandard 5-11 record) following a franchise-best 13-win season in 2006, the Baltimore Ravens have yet another piece of the puzzle to figure out as the starting quarterback position comes into serious question. Former Co-MVP Steve “the Air” McNair announced he would hang up his cleats and retire prior to kicking off the ’08 season, tentatively leaving the full-time reigns of the offense to either Kyle Boller or Troy Smith, resulting in panic attacks all across the Old Line State.

The three-time Pro Bowler cited back and shoulder problems (which kept him out of all but six games last year) as the primary reason for trading-in gridiron glory for driving drunk to the golf course and/or fishing boat this fall. McNair will file his retirement papers after playing in 161 games in which he threw for over 31,000 yards and 174 touchdowns, and will surely be remembered for his Young-like mobility in and out of the pocket, allowing him to gain 3,590 yards on the ground and an impressive 37 trips to paydirt.

Steve’s best year arguably came in an MVP-worthy 2003 season, but his closest chance for football immortality came in 2000, where he, Eddie George, and his Tennessee Titans lost Super Bowl XXXIV by 35 inches to Warner, Faulk, and the Greatest Show on Turf. It’s safe to say Mike Jones will probably not be invited to the retirement pot luck.

Here’s to you, Stevie.

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OUT OF THE WOODS

2008-04-15T22:07:00.001-07:00

Tiger weak in the knees, Next four weekends up for grabs

It’s a good thing the seamstress in Augusta didn’t alter the green jacket to 42 long, because it will not be hanging up in Tiger’s 5,000-square-foot walk-in closet. A gimpy Woods finished three shots back of Trevor Immelman last weekend, which was good enough for a second-place finish in his campaign for a fifth Masters Tournament victory.

Why the gimp? It was revealed on Tuesday that Tiger was suffering from wounded cartilage in his left knee that has proven to be an annoying nuisance for several months, and with the quest for Grand Slam over before it really took off, he underwent arthroscopic surgery to repair the damage (his fourth knife session on the same knee since 1994). No one said being a god (not to mention filthy rich) was easy on the knees.

The number-one golfer in the world will stay off the links for at least four weeks after the surgery, giving golfers everywhere a legitimate shot to win a tour event. Tiger will almost surely sit out the Players Championship, but will aim to return to action in time to win the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, a course he could probably shoot par in a wheelchair.

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MELODRAMA

2008-04-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

DUI in Denver for Nuggets star

As if people were wondering why Carmelo Anthony was never considered a true leader and superstar in the ranks of fellow 2004 draft mates Lebron James and Dwayne Wade, there’s no need to look further than his DUI and arrest early this morning. On the heels of the Nuggets’ convincing 111-94 victory over the Rockets Sunday evening, Melo was arrested at approximately 4:00 AM, pulled over for weaving on the Denver roadways after probably kicking back a few too many Coors lights. Though Melo played arguably his worst the game of the season at the absolute worst time for the Nuggets, going 3-14 field for 11 points, Denver pulled their playoff magic number to 1, with the season finale this Wednesday against the Grizzlies while the Warriors play in Phoenix tonight and host Seattle on Wednesday.

No word yet on what type of action the team will take, though bets are Anthony will likely be in the Nuggets starting lineup for the season finale. After having beat the Warriors and taking the tiebreaker in a monumental game last Thursday in Golden State, the Nuggets retook the driver’s seat for the 8^th spot after the Saturday loss in Utah by beating the banged up Rockets in decisive fashion. While the playoff spot looks just about locked up, the question remains whether or not this incident will be a distraction for the Nuggets and their playoff run.

Thankfully for the Nuggets, they have a true leader and former league MVP in Allen Iverson and a strong bench to overcome this incident, and probably could do some damage in the playoffs with some consistent play. But after having his best season yet, being named All Star starter and putting up career rebounding numbers, this lack of judgment during such a vital late-season stretch and potentially devastating decision has got to leave Nuggets fans wondering when fully grown-ass Melo is finally going to show up. Several Nuggets players admitted the team celebrating like they won a championship after the victory over Golden State, maybe George Karl needs to give his team a reality check. With 2 All Star starters and reigning Defensive Player of the Year, the Nuggets are far too talented a team to be duking it out for the last playoff spot.

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CURSE OF ACTION

2008-04-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yankees exhume shirt to exorcise the demons

The House that a Sox fan helped build.

It used to be that the significance of the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry spread beyond the borders of the American northeast, showcasing the likes of Ruth “cursing” his old employer, DiMaggio edging a .400-hitting Williams in the ’41 MVP race, Thurman Munson clocking Carlton Fisk in the grill in a home plate bru-ha-ha, and Bucky Dent joining the ranks of Yankees with expletive middle names. Now it’s becoming just plain annoying.

Earlier in the week, a Sox fan who happened to be working on the construction of the new Yankee Stadium (you’d think the Steinbrenner’s would inquire about a contractor’s favorite team on an application) buried an Ortiz jersey in the concrete foundation in an effort of bring some voodoo vibes to the Bronx. So far, it’s only brought bad luck to Ortiz himself, who is hitting a paltry 3-for-43 on the young season and can’t seem to hit a beach ball with a tennis racket.

After initially denying that the burial ever occurred, the Yankees had the supposed location of the jersey torn up by jackhammers for five hours until the tattered uniform was unearthed, ironically wrapped around the body of Jimmy Hoffa. The shirt was burned, Hoffa was re-buried.

And of course, future President of the United States Hal Steinbrenner had to chime in his usual classy way, uttering “I hope his co-workers kick the [expletive] out of him” while sipping scotch from his Michael Scott-like “World’s Best Boss” mug.

The two teams square off Sunday night in the rubber-game of their first series of the season, as this rivalry continues to look more and more like two cross-town high school football foes.

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GOOD BYE-BRATIONS

2008-04-09T11:49:00.001-07:00

Love to declare for June Draft

Just a month after leading the UCLA Bruins to their 3^rd consecutive Pac-10 title, and a week after being unceremoniously upset, at least in the eyes of bracket-fillers nationwide, by runner-up Memphis, freshman center Kevin Love and junior guard Darren Collison have reportedly decided to leave Westwood and declare themselves for the upcoming NBA draft. Love and Collison, 1^st team and 3^rd team All-American selections respectively, were expected to hire agents in preparation for the June draft, making them ineligible to return to a Bruin team that just participated in their 3^rd straight Final Four.

According to reports, word first broke out of Love’s potential declaration to enter the ‘08 Draft via his Facebook profile, which stated, “Kevin Love is: entering the NBA draft, suckas” which was taken down soon after and replaced with “Kevin Love is: just joshin ya”.

Amidst the confusion Tuesday, Love’s mom announced that no decision had yet been made, and that Kevin would be travelling up to Oregon on Wednesday to discuss the draft with his family because, well, who needs Intro to Biology when the Chicago Bulls beckon. No word yet on whether Uncle Mike Love would be attending the family meetings and trying to persuade his nephew to go for the green.

If Love and Collison do indeed declare for the draft, the 2008 pool would become even more stacked with talent, as it already looks to be one of the deepest drafts in years. Among those already declared or likely to declare for June: damn-near-consensus #1 pick Michael Beasley, Derrick Rose and teammate CDR from Memphis, USC guard OJ Mayo, the Lopez twins from Stanford, Jerryd Bayless from Arizona, 1^st team All American D.J. Augustin, and forward Anthony Randolph from LSU.

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VINDIC-HATED?

2008-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Bucker back in Boston, current Sox flaunt rings to his face

After traveling to Saturn and back during the last week, the Red Sox finally come home to Beantown to open up the 2008 season at the Fens. Ironically, during the same ceremony where the 2007 World Series rings were presented, the grateful people in the Sox front office invited the long-infamous Billy Buckner to experience something he would have 22 years ago, if he only hadn't screwed the pooch. Buckner's psyche was not available for comment.

VIDEO

Vilified and scorned for nearly the past two decades in Red Sox lore, Bucker threw out the first pitch to a rousing ovation from the Fenway faithful as if he had hit a pennant-winning grand slam last October. It's funny how a couple World Series titles heals old wounds....

The Sox would go on to defeat the Detroit Tigers, 5-0, after seven strong innings from Daisuke Matsuzaka. Motown falls to 0-7 on the season.

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ANOTHER SHINING MOMENT....

2008-04-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the Madness is finally over, and the Kansas Jayhawks are left standing now that the dust has settled. You know what that means? It's time for your favorite annual guilty pleasure that even your male hair-stylist named Cameron thinks is kinda gay.

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CRY OF THE TIGERS

2008-04-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

Missed foul shots doom Memphis; Kansas commits grand larceny

On a Monday evening that more than made up for an arguably second-rate tournament thus far, two of the nation’s top schools all year long banged heads in a 40-minute winner-take-all showdown in central Texas.

In a game that went back-and-forth like Nick Saban’s words for a majority of the first thirty minutes of play, the Tigers began to pull away a little more than halfway through the second half, eventually boosting the margin to a game-high nine points with a few ticks over two minutes left. Faced with desperation and heart-wrenching defeat looking him dead in the eye, Kansas coach Bill Self decided it was time to exploit Memphis’ best-known Achilles’ heel: their inability to hit undefended set shots from fifteen feet out.

This may have been the most exciting and efficient displays of the foul-and-extend-the-game strategies ever seen on the basketball court. As Memphis missed crucial free throw after free throw (four misses in the waning minutes of regulation), the Jayhawks chipped away at the lead with a colossal steal and big outside shots, including the biggest bucket of the tournament coming out of the hands of Mario Chalmers, who swished in a trey with under 3 ticks left on the game clock to send the contest into only the seventh overtime in Championship Game history. A Joey Dorsey-less Tigers team looked panicked and helplessly scrambled around during the extra period, only managing five points.

Memphis’ Bo Outlaw foul-shooting will surely be under severe scrutiny in the coming days, especially with their tournament free-throws showing vast improvement over their horrid regular season numbers. But on the largest of stages, when it counted the most, with the hearts of their fans riding on their shoulders, the Tigers simply could not deliver. One can point at the “controversial” review of a perimeter jumper (and they got the call correct, John), or the lack of an NBA-ready performance from their freshman-sensation Derrick Rose in the first half (credit given for his ailment), or questionable coaching decisions, but ultimately, the never-say-die Jayhawks took full advantage of Memphis’ fatal shortcomings.

So where do things go from here? Does this win validate Self’s tenure in Lawrence? Will Rose or CDR be back in Memphis come next fall? Surely this loss will leave a nasty taste in the mouth of Calipari and his players for quite some time, but as coach said exiting the floor, “when you have a lead like that, you’re supposed to win the game”.

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THE IRON ENSHRINED

2008-04-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

The Dream and Ewing, Sr. cement legendary status

When Hakeem Olajuwon and Patrick Ewing went toe-to-toe in the 1994 NBA Finals during the "Dark Ages" of the Chicago Bulls Empire of the Nineties, we all knew we were watching two sure-fire Hall-of-Famers battle each other for the crowning achievement that had eluded both of them for their entire illustrious careers. A rematch of the classic NCAA Championship match a decade earlier, in which Ewing's Georgetown Hoyas defeated Olajuwon's Houston Cougars, Hakeem looked to settle the score. The Dream would eventually “shake” his way to the NBA Promised-Land over the Knicks in a remarkable seven game series (including the year after, against a younger "Diesel"), leaving Ewing to ponder how he just missed his opportunity for glory on the biggest stage that every ball player yearns for.

Hakeem entertained and impressed us not with his sky-flying dunks or nightly inserts in ESPN's Top Plays, but with his remarkable and sheer efficiency, lighting up scoreboards with his 18-foot baseline turn-around fall-aways that seemed to soar endlessly towards the arena rafters before finally splashing into the net. Dominant on both the offensive end and a terribly imposing presence underneath on the defensive end, Olajuwon's game was a perfect blend of yin-yang basketball prowess, much like the soft-crunchy Double Decker tacos he hawked with Shaq during the mid-90s. His was a fun and unique brand of basketball to watch, and frankly, a brand that is sorely missed. Olajuwon enters the halls of Springfield with just under 27,000 points, over 13,000 boards, a astounding 3,830 rejections, two rings with matching Finals MVP trophies, 12 All-Star bids, and one quadruple-double.

As for the man who was the face of the Georgetown Hoyas in the early eighties, the man who seemed to be born with wobbly knees wrapped in braces and icepacks, the man who is the reason that sweat-moppers have a job, the man who was blocked by Muggsy, the original urban caveman before Geico took it and ran, and the man who stole every scene in Space Jam, his Hall resume is just as remarkable. As the Big Apple's man in the middle for 15 years, Ewing led the perennial playoff-bound Knicks in numerous memorable rivalries, with Jordan's Bulls, Reggie's Pacers, and Alonzo's Heat, but was never able to capture that elusive championship in 2 tries. P-Ew holds the Knicks records in scoring, rebounds, blocks, and steals, finished with nearly 25,000 points, 11,000 boards, and just under 3,000 blocks. The 1986 Rookie of the Year was a member of 11 Eastern All Star teams, won Olympic gold twice including the Original Dream Team, and was named one of the NBA' 50 Greatest.

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DURANT DURANT

2008-04-06T23:10:00.001-07:00

Rookie nails pair of huge threes in 2OT thriller

Kevin Durant used Sunday’s contest against the Nuggets to provide ESPN a few more highlight clips to air for his Rookie of the Year acceptance next month. Durant scored a career-high 37 points to sink the Nuggets 151-147 in a double overtime thrill ride, exacting revenge for the 168-116 shellacking from the Nuggets in March. It was perhaps one of the last remaining memories the city of Seattle would be able to cherish from its Sonics as the season winds down and the possible exile from the Emerald City looms in the air. But for an evening, all hopelessness and bitter feelings surrounding the situation were out of sight, out of mind, as Durant continued to serve as a shining beacon of hope for what revived Seattle Supersonic basketball could be like for the foreseeable future.

If there is indeed a Madden video game curse, perhaps being featured as an NBA Live star brings better luck. Durant, who starred in a series of promotional commercials alongside cover boy Agent Zero, must have stolen a page out of Gil’s book on late-game heroics. With the lead seesawing back and forth for much of the second half, the Nuggets looked like they would take the game and season series sweep. But with the Key Arena crowd on their feet and looking for a miracle, Durant delivered, calmly sinking a 22-foot dagger to send the game to overtime.

The extra session provided much of the same dramatics, with the game close until the Nuggets took a 5-point lead with a minute remaining off an Allen Iverson three. Durant answered The Answer with a pair from the line, and then Sonics swallowed an AI miss on the other end to set up one last attempt with 9 seconds left. Luke Ridenour received the inbounds and dribbled out to find a wide-open Durant at the top of the arc, nearly 26 feet out, who sink the basket and send to game to yet another overtime session, sending the Seattle crowd into absolute hysterics. The Sonics were able to hold off the Nuggets in double OT, despite 38 points game-high points from Carmelo Anthony and 26 from Iverson, with career-highs from Durant and fellow rookie Jeff Green, who had 35.

The Nuggets suffered a horrid weekend at the worst time, with 2 consecutive shocking losses, last night as they hosted Sacramento, and the thriller in Seattle, the first of 4 road games for Denver. Unable to take advantage of the Warriors’ loss in New Orleans Sunday morning and jump a full game ahead of Golden State, the Nuggets remain tied for the 8th and final Western spot, and know a valuable opportunity slipped through their fingers. Every game is a must win, and the loss puts an even greater emphasis on the showdown in Oakland this coming Thursday, as these two teams continue to duke it out in this historic Western Conference playoff chase.

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AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

2008-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Heels eat ‘Hawks dust, Bruins fall short once again

They seemed to be on a destiny-driven collision course in San Antonio, as two of the most-storied collegiate basketball programs looked to oust the other two Final Four participants and finally clash head-to-head at the mountain top for NCAA supremacy. Too bad North Carolina and UCLA (again….) both stumbled short of the finish line and simply looked outmatched, out-hustled, and outplayed at the hands of Kansas and Memphis, respectively.

In a game made up of scoring runs by each side, the Tar Heels seemed utterly dominated and helplessly-stunned by the way the Jayhawks were scoring at will. Right out of the gate, it looked as if Kansas gave UNC a devastating leg-whip and took off down the track, eventually running out to a 28-point advantage in the first frame, with the Tar Heels still lying on the ground by the starting blocks. None of UNC’s defensive schemes were really effective at stopping the ball rotation and low-post lobs, and America’s player Tyler Hansbrough got absolutely gang-raped by four blue jerseys every time he tried to step into the paint. The Heels made it interesting in the second half and cut the lead down to single digits, but simply ran out of gas (it is nearing $4/gallon, you know), but will be sure to visit the sludge known as the River Walk and the Alamo before heading back to Chapel Hill.

For the Bruins, they leave the Final Four without the championship nylon for the third straight year and are well on their way to becoming the Buffalo Bills of college basketball. It is apparent that more Final Four experience and playing in an undoubtedly more challenging league did not give the Westwoodies any real edge, as freshman sensation Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas-Roberts (who probably left two teste-sized bruises on Kevin Love’s chin after tea-bagging him on a posterizing dunk) vaulted Calipari’s Tigers to an NCAA-record 38(!) W’s on the year. Payback is a real bitch for the Bruins, as Memphis avenged a title-game loss to UCLA in 1973.

So now Monday night’s final showdown is finally set. The Kansas Jayhawks will look to take home the big prize for the first time since the Ronald Reagan administration. The Memphis Tigers are prepared to bust their first championship nut. John Calipari will try and bring down the program he once coached as an assistant. Bill Self will seek to bring the trophy back to America’s breadbasket. The storylines one could conjure up are endless, so let’s just get it over with and play some ball.

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ROYAL PAIN'D

2008-04-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

Kansas City loses itself in the music in sweep

There’s been a buzz coming out of Kansas during the last few days, and it hasn’t been for the Final Four participant Kansas Jayhawks. Well, at least not entirely. The Kansas City Royals, for years the American League’s resident doormat personal piñata, swept the Detroit Tigers, a club that many predicted, including this here blog, to not only win the AL Central, but likely the pennant as well. With arguably one of the best top-to-bottom lineups in the majors, including a very solid rotation, the Tigers came into the season looking as good as any team to beat come October. So imagine the shock when the Royals, who have amassed a paltry one winning season in the last baker’s dozen, pummeled their division rivals in the season-opening series sweep.

The Tigers, for their part, were dealing with the absence of some major pieces to the championship puzzle. Without Curtis Granderson for at least the first 2 weeks, along with Miguel Cabrera and Gary Sheffield sustaining early injuries, thing were already looking bleak for Old Man Leyland’s squad. But with a $138 million dollar roster, depth at nearly every position, and veteran leadership stemming from a World Series appearance just 2 years, one would expect the Tigers to show a little more roar than the opening meow they mustered. After losing the opening day contest 5-4, the Tigers powerful offense scored but a single run during the next 2 days, hitting .206 while collecting 24 K’s during the set. The Royals, meanwhile looked like the offensive juggernaut, as Mark Grudzielanek went 6-12 for the series and third baseman Alex Gordon sent two homeruns over the Comerica Park fences.

While we’re merely 1/54th of the season through, meaning there’s a ton of ball still to come, the Tigers will undoubtedly steer the ship within the next few weeks. However, hese early victories have to be huge for the rebuilding Royals, coming into Detroit and stealing the early sweep. More Smallville than Metropolis, the small market Royals have been written off in their division by nearly every media outlet, as the spotlight has been placed on the Tigers’ winter acquisitions and the Cleveland Indians looking to build on last year’s success. But as the current Central Division leaders, having just blindsided one of baseball’s best teams, and remaining the only unbeaten squad in all of baseball, the young Royals can truly feel like kings, if only for a few days.

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YEAR OF THE MATT

2008-04-02T22:32:00.001-07:00

Injured quarterback photographed at "chill" party

No one said being a rehabbing Heisman Trophy winner with everything to prove was an easy gig. But Arizona’s young quarterback Matt Leinart isn’t making being a public figure any easier, whether the court of public opinion is justified or not.

After missing most of promising ’07 campaign, photos emerged of Leinart livin’ la vida loca with several busty beauties, including one where the former USC-star is holding a beer bong that more resembles a gas can and tube he pulled out of an old lifted Ford Ranger.

No one said being a douche-bag was against the law.

While it’s not something that was on the top of the wish list for Cardinals fans (and coach Whisenhunt) --who would rather have had his continued rehab and preparation for the upcoming season be more prominent in the public eye, it’s not like he was caught doing anything illegal or that could realistically be considered “wrong”. He was not beating his wife, playing Wyatt Earp in front of gentlemen’s clubs, or breeding killer canines. There is not an NFC Divisional Playoff game next Sunday against a division rival. The girls were supposedly of age, and how he spends his off-time is obviously his own business.

And give the man a break. He has to cut a $15K child-support check every month so his baby's mama can have a 335i, an iPhone, and an LV handbag.

In 17 games over two seasons living with the cacti, Matty has thrown for 13 touchdowns and a stellar 16 picks, all the while the Cards have amassed a disappointing 13-19 mark in one of the worst divisions in football. In 2007, he played in 5 games before snapping a collarbone and handed the reigns over to ageless Kurt Warner, who lead the team to an even 8-8 record.

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BREAK POINT

2008-04-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Gushin' Russian becomes instant internet celebrity

It looks as if tennis players will do just about anything to make it onto SportsCenter, as Mikhail Youzhny has just become the undisputed face of the sport (albeit bludgeoned), if not for the next few days.

In a third-round match against Nicolas Almagro, Youzhny reacted to his own bone-head play by taking his frustration on his head bone. After sending a backhand into the net, the Russian played Whack-a-Kov with his thousand-dollar racquet and opened up a beautiful head wound, which delayed the match for a few minutes.

But, after forgoing stitches and an ounce of common sense, Youzhny continued and actually won the match in a third-set tiebreaker, proving the old adage “winners never cheat, but hot-headed chumps on a steady diet of nylon and titanium sometimes win” to be true.

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FLIP FLOP, YA DON'T STOP

2008-04-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

The seeds, they are a changin'... again

Feeling great in Eight

Another day, another set of games, another change in the Western Conference standings. One night after suffering a monumental and humiliating 22-point collapse in the Valley of the Suns, the Denver Nuggets April fooled the Suns with a 126-120 victory in Denver. After giving up 46 fourth quarter points to the Suns Monday night in a loss that dropped the Nuggets back out of the playoffs for all of one day’s time, the Nuggets reclaimed their winning ways on the home floor with 31 points from Allen Iverson, including 11-11 from the charity stripe. Leandro Barbosa led the Suns with 27, while Steve Nash had 17 points and 18 dimes in the losing effort.

Despite giving up a 14-point lead late in the game, the Nuggets managed to pull out the victory and sealed the win with 37 seconds left on a jumper by Marcus Camby, who apparently does more than just stand and grab loose boards. After cutting the margin and taking a short-lived lead in the 4th, Phoenix failed to convert their baskets at the end, including a missed three by Barbaro with 15 ticks left. Carmelo Anthony sank a free throw to give him 25 on the night, and Nash couldn’t convert a desperation three, before a pair of Shaq missed free throws. The loss moved Phoenix back to a half game behind the idle Lakers in the race for the Pacific Division.

timmay...

The Nuggets jumped back to 8th place in the West race as the Golden State Warriors were completely manhandled by the Spurs at the Alamo, 116-92. The mechanical Spurbots continued to perform in playoff form with their 8th straight victory and 20th straight over the Warriors in San Antonio. The Spurs’ Big Three completely overmatched the Warriors’ Big Three and highest scoring trio in the league. Tony Longoria led the champs with 26 points, while Timmay had 17 and 12 boards, and Manu added 16 off the bench. The Warriors got 19 from Baron Davis and 14 from Monta Ellis, but only got 6 from Stephen Jackson on 2-12 shooting, before Don Nelson emptied the bench with the game out of reach.

The Warriors will look to bounce back as they face Dallas tomorrow night on the national stage, just 3 days after beating the Mavs in Oakland. Dirk Nowitzki , in a surprisingly gutsy move for his standards, was upgraded to day-by-day by the medical staff, and may suit up to in the huge game for the Mavs, who have continued to look mediocre and, surprisingly, slower since the Jason Kidd trade and since Dirk went down just about aweek ago.The Mavs, reeking of desperation, have fallen to 0-10 against winning teams with the loss on Sundayand look to be in danger of hobbling right out of the playoff picture. A Warrior win tomorrow will knot all three teams back up at 46-29, while a Maverick victory will push the Warriors to a full game behind the Nuggets for the 8th spot while holding their spot for 7th.

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GLANCING TO SEPTEMBER

2008-03-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

NFL’s Opening Weekend Announced

The NFL revealed the schedule for the highly-anticipated annual “Kickoff Weekend”, set to begin on Thursday night, Sept. 4, when the New York Football Giants officially begin their still-flabbergasting Super Bowl title defense and will look to “stomp out” division foe Redskins at the Meadowlands.

This tradition of launching football’s regular season at the home stadium of the reigning kings of the gridiron seems to be sticking, although the Giants would probably rather start the season on the road, given their almost-miraculous run through the playoffs last year outside of Jersey and their shear mediocrity at Giants Stadium. Plus, the Jets NEVER clean up after themselves and leave the place as an even bigger dump than it already is.

Two teams on opposite ends of the quarterback-stability spectrum will square off on NBC’s first Sunday Night Football telecast of the season, as the Bears will face the Colts in a rematch of the outmatched Super Bowl XLI. The designs and features of the brand-new Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis will surely be showcased, and John Madden will be dumbfounded by all of them.

Lucas Oil Field, the deathbed of
Marvin Harrison's career

Monday Night Football’s opening day double-header will feature half-man/half-unfair Adrian Peterson and the possible division front-running Vikings visiting Rodgers and the Pack in what might already be renamed Favre Field by the time fall rolls around. Green Bay fans will already be hours deep into reminiscing about the “good old days” when the Raiders and Broncos square off in the nightcap; the rest of us will already be asleep.

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BIG WEST CONFERENCE

2008-03-29T12:56:00.001-07:00

One monumental (of several) weekend out West

In a playoff race with more jockeying than Churchill Downs and with more developing plot twists and turns than an episode of ‘Lost’, this weekend is shaping up to be monumental for the teams vying for the elite eight out West. Although, really, this is going to be a statement that will ring true pretty much all the way til the mid-April finish line is crossed. In the Southwest, a mere half game separates New Orleans, San Antonio, and Houston in the standings, thanks to the Bees losing to the Celtics and Spurs taking care of Minny last night. Sunday proves to be an important game for shaking out home court advantage, as the Rockets and Spurs throwdown at the Alamo on the national broadcast, as current #5 Houston looks on from the outside for homecourt.

Los Lakers, on a 2-game losing streak after collapsing to Memphis last night and having just lost 3 of 4, are literally a beaten and battered team right now. Without Pau Gasol, still nursing the ankle injury, and evidenced by Derek Fisher’s torn tendon in his foot and Kobe’s million-dollar mug all bandaged up, karma is rearing it ugly head in Hollywood, with Bob Delaney nowhere in sight. And don’t look now but old friend Shaquille O’Neal and the revitalized Suns, just a half game behind the Lakers despite having lost 2 in a row earlier this week, can climb into a tie atop the Pacific with a win tonight in New Jersey. Gasol, however, looks to return Sunday night against the Wizards, just in time to provide more dramatics and take the load off Kobe’s shoulders.

The bottom of the playoff race is just as dicey with 3 teams, yet again, all within half a game of each other, Fight Clubbing for the last 2 spots. Seventh seeded Dallas is one game away from potentially missing out on their annual Playoff meltdown, as they remain winless against winning teams, and without reigning-MVP Dirk Nowitzki for the foreseeable future. As much flak as the Suns received early on for bringing in Shaq to disrupt chemistry, the Jason Kidd deal was not what the Mavericks needed, and team leadership remains nowhere in sight.

With the Golden State Warriors holding steady at #8 and the streaking Denver Nuggets, having won 4 straight, including Thursday’s matchup with the Mavs, right behind them, Mark Cuban has to shaking in his dancing shoes at the thought of his team topping last year’s first round exit and replacing May basketball with ping pong balls instead. The Mavericks could fall to eighth by the end of the weekend, as the Warriors head to Denver to take on the Nuggets tonight in Denver before flying back to the Bay to take on the Mavericks tomorrow.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ROLLED

2008-03-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

Bobcats reject Lakers and refs eject Kobe

JRich or die flying

After completing 2 grueling and exhausting games in as many nights against the Golden State Warriors, the Lakers returned home seeking to steamroll a less formidable opponent from the JV Eastern Conference by hosting the Charlotte Bobcats Wednesday. Instead, the Lake Show suffered their second straight home defeat 108-95, as the Bobcats cruised to a rather easy-looking victory in Southern California, led by a monster showing from Jason Richardson with 30 points and 10 boards. With the contest decidedly out of reach with 3:40 left, Kobe Bryant decided to take his ball home and check out of the game, hoping to beat the traffic rush out of Staples Center along with the countless fans decked in purple and gold who made their ways to the exits early.

The Bobcats, who lost in Utah last night in the first game of a four game trip out West, jumped out to an early lead and really never looked back. Up 10 in the first quarter before the Lakers cut the lead down, the Bobcats continued to pour on the points and took a 57-44 lead at halftime. Both teams played evenly throughout the third, and Kobe was in typical MVP form, scoring the first 15 points for the Lakers. The Staples crowd went into the final frame expecting a 4th quarter comeback much like the Lakers did, coming back from down 26 points aginst the Warriors before taking a short-lived lead on Sunday.

Sweet Carroll line: 18 pts, 3-4 3's

And, that comeback did happen, as expected. The Lakers jumped out to score the first 10 points and it looked like MJ’s team simply would be no match for the Lakers and Kobe’s will. Slashing the lead down to 3 with a dramatic three by Sasha Vujacic, the Lakers were about to grab a stranglehold on the game. But, a funny thing happened along the way, and the Bobcats played like a veteran team , weathering the Laker storm and closing out the victory. A 16-5 run led by J-Rich and a four-point play by Matt-freaking-Carroll sealed the Lakers’ fate. Bryant, who committed the foul on Carroll, and flustered by the officiating not going his way, asked to be excused early, picking up 2 technicals and the subsequent ejection before the Lakers finally went down for the count.

Kobe the nevernude hit the showers early

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NOTHING LASTS FOR-WEBBER

2008-03-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

A requiem for the former All-American

As Ringo and Paul continue to duke it out for the last living member of the Fab Four, the fight for last remaining active player from the Michigan’s Fab Five seems to be over. With a formal announcement expected on Wednesday, C-Webb will join other former Wolverine brethren in the ranks of NBA Alumni and leave Juwan Howard as the last man standing.

Webber graciously leaves the hardwood with an impressive resume that may very well land him his own exhibit in Springfield, averaging nearly 21 points, 10 boards and 4 dimes per contest over his career, nearly identical to the numbers Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing put up in their illustrious careers. Webber also won the NBA Rookie of the Year in 1994, garnered five All-Star selections, and appeared on five All-NBA teams.

Over an injury-plagued 14-year career, Webber impacted each of the five uniforms he pulled over his head, arguably experiencing his best and near-championship years at the turn of the millennium with the Sacramento Kings, one win away from playing on the big stage before losing to the Lakers in seven games in 2002.

Webber helped revive basketball in doormant Sacramento, and for several years was the ringleader for one of the most exciting and entertaining acts in the league. But, coupled with back-to-back second-place finishes among the collegiate ranks (including his now infamous meltdown at the 1993 Final Four), Webber has developed the reputation of being a successful impact player that somehow always finished just short of the ultimate goal.

After a less-than-triumphant second stint with Golden State in 2008 (playing in 9 games and lighting up the board with a cumulative 35 points), it seems his career has come full circle as he finally succumbs to years of chronic knee problems which reared its ugly head in 2005. While many Warrior fans were excited about the idea of the prodigal son returning, his signing hardly made the impact of a Gasol or O’Neal, but somehow still seemed fitting.

Coming back to the city he began his career, with the coach he first played under, in a system his skills could have been utilized seemed almost to good to be true. And, it was. The 20 year-old rookie Warriors fans remembered for flushing down a behind-the-back on Sir Charles, making pretty passes for a big man reminiscent of Magic, and leading fast breaks huffing and puffing his way down court returned 15 years older, slower, and long past his glory days.

So Happy Retirement, Chris. I know it may be difficult to come to terms with the end of your playing days, so just think of the next three or four months as just one of your nagging trips to the IR, or just until you can truly accept your legacy. There are so many other horizons in his world for you to explore, and if Jalen can call himself an “analyst”, then so can you. May your “golden” years be relaxing, enjoyable, filled with blunts and void of timeouts.

Here-here!

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FLOP IT LIKE IT'S HOT

2008-03-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

Bryant and Lakers seek revenge in Oakland

In what turned out to be an incredible 2 days worth of basketball, energy-filled and with enough electricity worthy of playoff basketball, the Lakers and Warriors took part in the second half of the Battle of California up in Oakland. The Lakers prevailed in overtime 123-119, as Kobe Bryant finished with 30 and 11 boards, while Lamar Odom followed up his 22 rebound performance yesterday with 21 boards tonight. Baron Davis led the way for the Warriors with 30 points with Monta Ellis right behind him with 29. However, the contest, which featured numerous lead changes and a dramatic 10-1 Warriors rally to send the game into overtime, was unfortunately decided on a controversial referee decision.

Down 2 with 4 ticks left and inbounding the ball, Stephen Jackson looked for his teammates to get open. Baron Davis, guarded at the top of the arc, couldn't separate himself from Kobe Bryant's grip. Second option Monta Ellis attempted to make his way towards the ball to receive the inbounds, but found himself tangled and brought down, along with Derek Fisher, to the floor. In what should have been a Bob Delaney no-call, according to the replays and Fisher himself, an offensive foul was charged to Ellis, much to the dismay of the sold-out Oracle Arena crowd. The Lakers escaped with the dramatic victory with a pair of KB free throws to seal the deal, and Jordan Farmer's steal at the end of overtime.

After the game, Derek Fisher spoke about the fateful call that decided the contest:

"I thought it was going to be a no-call, just two guys fall down and the play goes on,” Fisher said. "So when the whistle blew, it caught me off-guard as well. … I don't think anybody was necessarily guilty of anything, but from the angle that Bob had, it looked (Ellis) had his hands to my chest, which he did. But like I said, I wasn't trying to fall down at all in that situation.”

With the victory, the Lakers avoided losing the season series to the Warriors for the first time since the 1994-95 season. If this is indeed a preview for the upcoming postseason, it will be hard to top such an emotional rollercoaster and the flat-out exciting level of play these interstate rivals displayed the last two days. With a healthy Lakers squad with Bynum and Gasol returning, the possibility of an even greater 7 game series is something David Stern needs to figure out how to make a reality.

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OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN

2008-03-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Stephen Jackson sinks Loss Lakers

Cap'n Clutch

Any NBA team that gives up a 26-point lead usually doesn’t deserve to win the game. More than likely, they won’t even get the chance to make it close, anyways. Additionally, any team that blows a 26-point advantage often doesn’t deserve to win the game, either. On Easter Sunday the Lakers hosted the Warriors in Part 1 of the Battle of California, in what would become an incredible and unpredictable tale of two halves. Calling this contest an epic duel might not do justice for what took place at Staples Center between these division rivals.

Jumping out to an early first half advantage, the Warriors did not look anything like the team that lost 9 of its previous meetings in Lakerland. Stephen Jackson was unconscious early on, sinking 4-4 from beyond the arc in the first quarter. Monta Ellis slashed his way through the Laker defense to compliment the outside game. The Warriors matched a season-high 72 points in the first half, or just 9 points short of Mavericks’ total points against the Spurs earlier today, and looked to be in control with a 23 point lead at the break.

Then, like a Hollywood villain who isn’t quite as dead as you thought, the Lakers woke up and took control of the 3rd quarter. As hot as the Warriors played early on and forced turnovers, the Lakers came out with grit and turned the tables on the Warriors in the furious rally. A number of defensive stops and slowing down the tempo enough to force ill-advised perimeter shots allowed Los Lakers to cut the deficit to 6 going into the 4th. Kobe Bryant came alive in the 4th, scoring 16 of his 36 in the final frame and rallying the team to completely cut the deficit and take the lead, all before the whirlwind end of the game.

With :46 left, Kobe did what he does best – draining a three from 26 feet out to cut the deficit to one. However, on the next possession, Jackson answered back with a three of his own, his first bucket of the second half. Following a timeout, the Lakers traded 2-for-1 as, who else, Kobe drained yet another three to cut the lead back to one, 112-111. As Baron Davis brought the ball up the court, and the seconds wound down on the clock, he found Jackson wide open from 27 feet out. Captain Jack drove the final dagger in the Lakers’ heart, hitting the three and game-deciding points.

The Lakers now fly up to the Bay Area where they will once again take on the Warriors with a foul taste in their mouth, and part two of this NorCal-SoCal shootout, while the Warriors seek to win the season series 3-1.

OFF TO THE SWEAT COAST

2008-03-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Stanford, UCLA survive scares; Duke gets dumped

Fight, Fight, Fight

While Saturday’s contests under the southern-California sun did not exhibit the Pac-10 as the most-dominant league in the country, it did showcase two storied powerhouses with intestines of steel and sub-zero IV drips. Within an hour drive for the Baby Bears and an hour flight for the Cardinal from their respective campuses, a sold-out crowd of well over 17,000 descended on the Honda Center in Anaheim to watch two teams punch their tickets to the Regionals.

It's good to see that Justin Guarini
is finally getting a taste of victory.

Down much of the game and without their leader Trent Johnson, who was inexplicably tossed with two T’s just before the half on the biggest of stages, the Cardinal’s 7-foot twin towers of Robin and Brook Lopez dominated the second frame by doing what they were supposed to do: punish the smaller Golden Eagles in the paint. Brook put up 30 points (including the game-winning shooter’s bounce on the baseline) and Robin added 18 to push Stanford to the Sweet Sixteen, barely avoiding the agony of heading back to the Bay Area and pondering why they both have girls' names.

UCLA has been no stranger to last-second drama the last few weeks of the season, and their second-round clash with the Aggies of Texas A&M was no exception. With Josh Shipp putting up a donut through much of the night, Luc Mbah a Moute walking more than Barry Bonds, and Kevin Love missing jumpers from 17 out, the first half seemed like a premonition of impending doom for the squad from Westwood, especially with A&M getting all the bounces, including a HORSE-winning bank shot off the top of the board. But Darren Collison’s Jason-Kapono-impression in the first half kept them within reach, and Love’s block party (sending back 7!) in the second half was enough to get the Bruins to Phoenix.

The Dukies were utterly outmatched in the second half by the Mountaineers, to the dismay of a flu-stricken and frustrated Coach K. Their lack of a significant inside presence and complete collapse of their outside game (including 15 straight bricks from behind the line) were too much for the Devils to overcome, as they were ousted in the second round before a raucous D.C. crowd, including a fully-dressed mountain man reminiscent of Ted Kaczynski. This marks the second straight year Duke has failed to reach the Sweet Sixteen.

KEEPIN' UP WITH THE JONES'

2008-03-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

Titans and Jerry’s Cowboys talking Pacman

It must feel terrible to be the first NFC team to be seeded number one in the playoffs and lose on Divisional Weekend, not to mention the coarse Kosher salt rubbed into wounds at the hands of a loathed divisional rival and Super Bowl champion-to-be. Throw in a quarterback who might be attending the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards with his girlfriend and a receiver who cries into his popcorn, what is a team to do?

America's Player

Jerry Jones is considering heading back to Convicts-R-Us to take a look at a used cornerback/returner being traded in by its current owners. After bringing in lineman Tank Johnson just months after getting out of the pen, Amerca’s team needs another role model and locker room leader. Who better than Pacman Jones?

While the Cowboys might be the current frontrunner to suit Jones up this fall, the New England Patriots and Detroit Lions have also expressed interest in the ex-West Virginia Mountaineer. However, Pacman has stated that it is every football player’s dream to wear the star, plus doing the rain dance at Dreams Gentlemens Club in southwest Dallas.

While there may be little or no issues with effort, performance, and team chemistry, will Jerry Jones bring the hammer down should off-field troubles rear its ugly, braided head yet again? Who knows, maybe Pacman will be this year's Moss and surpass every expectation.

THE TAMPA SPECIAL

2008-03-21T22:29:00.001-07:00

Clemson, Vandy, Drake, and UConn crucified in West Florida

After a relatively quiet first day (nay a near Britney-sized disaster by the Durham Devils) in the NCAA Tournament, day two on Good Friday more than made up for me falling asleep during Wisconsin/CSU Fullerton by delivering five games that went undecided until the final seconds of play.

Something has to be in the water in Tampa that somehow gives those not expected to come out victorious to…well, come out victorious. Proof: the Devil Rays (now known simply as the Rays after an apparent religious epiphany) won 66 games last year. That’s 66 upsets. Oh, and also, all higher seeds playing in the Tampa pod fell on Friday, a feat that had never happened before in the history of college ball.

San Diego becomes the third double-seeded
team to send the Huskies home in the past three years.

The San Diego Toreros, from a small 4,000-student Catholic school overlooking the ocean, provided possibly the deadliest shocker thus far by stunning Calhoun’s Huskies of Connecticut with a last second De'Jon Jackson jumper from the wing with less than 2 seconds left in bonus basketball, proving that while UC San Diego may have the brains and San Diego State may have the boobs, USD has the ballers.

Need more drama than that? Hours before, on the very same hardwood floor, Ty Rogers nailed a game-winning shot from a distant 25 feet as time expired in the extra period to sink the dreams of #5 Drake and send his Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (?) to the second round. Adding to the Tampa turmoil, ‘Nova sent a confident Clemson team packing, while #13 Siena made a mockery of Vanderbilt’s four-seed by topping the Commodores, 83-62.

Friday validated and showcased why this tournament is the second-most popular sporting event on the American calendar, as teams filled with players un-recruited from the power conferences, and playing for nothing more than the pride of the name stitched to their chests, find a way to slay history-filled, long-standing giants.

They sent fans and fellow students into violent frenzies watching the games back home in student unions, rec halls, and dorm rooms. They filled the eyes of basketball mothers, who drove to and back from practice during the past decade, with joyous tears. They give younger aspiring athletes a reason to set a goal or chase a dream. They also fucked up brackets in offices nationwide.

Larger-name schools may have the money, the big-name coach, the aggressive scouting practices (Hi, Kelvin), and next April’s first round of the NBA Draft, but once confidence starts flowing through the veins of teams like Davidson and Siena, once these sometimes overlooked, but truly talented, players genuinely believe they deserve to play on the same court as those from legendary programs, then they really can.

SAFETY SCHOOLS

2008-03-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

Day 1 ends with little drama

With the first day of Madness come and gone, and businesses nationwide suffering the expected stagnant productivity, the tournament wagon rolls on with a little lighter load. After the first batch of first round matchups, 16 teams are still alive, and 16 teams are going back home in time for an early spring break before Finals. For those keeping track at home, taking the safe route with their tournament picks, things are looking pretty nice – 14 out of 16 favorites won their respective first round contests.

The Midwest Region’s 6th seed USC Trojans suffered a poked hole in their game during the first half to Kansas State, and never could recover, another USC sports teams failing to live up to their hype. For all the hype he generated throughout the season, freshman OJ Mayo left his potential last college contest with disappointment. Mayo led his team with 20 points, though a handful of those points coming in disappointing garbage time, and got little help from the rest of the Trojan men. The 11th seeded Wildcats combined a strong all-around team game to support super frosh Michael Beasley, whose 23 points and 11 boards were complimented by 22 points from teammate Bill Walker . Beasley, unlike the superb season he’s had this year, struggled early on as he only scored 5 points in11 foul-troubeled minutes, but came out of the half on fire. The Wildcats move on to face #3 seed Wisconsin.

The other “upset” took place out West, as the region’s #8 BYU Cougars fell to #9 Texas A&M Aggies 67-62. The Aggies jumped out to an 11-point lead, and looked like they would crush the Cougars and send the pale force back to the mountains with their tails between their legs. However, the Cougars looked like they had a higher power on their side, storming back and cutting into the Aggies’ lead before tying the game at the half. But the outside shot simply wasn’t falling for BYU as they would have liked. The shooting touch that helped set a school record-setting 278 pointer s deserted them with a 7-22 performance instead. As the Cougars are sent packing back to Utah to drown their sorrows in jugs of icy cold milk, the Aggies are rewarded with a date with tournament-favorites UCLA.

As for UCLA, the West's #1 Bruins annihilated #16 Mississippi Valley State 70-29, sending a message to the rest of the teams watching that the Bruins have their eyes on their prize. Kevin Love scored 20 with 9 boards in 21 minutes of work to lead the Bruins. The Delta Devils leave California with another accomplishment besides producing Jerry Rice, as they scored the fewest points in the tournament's last half century and nobody in double digit scoring.

DANCING HOUR

2008-03-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

My popcorn is ready, baaaaaaby!

The always-anticipated Selection Sunday has come and gone, and by 7pm, I more than had my yearly fix of Greg Gumbel. Some players celebrated with thousands of rabid students behind them, and others found their bubble residue-covered faces falling into their hands in the coach’s living room. The brackets are out and printer ink is being consumed at a record-pace. Here’s what to watch for:

EAST. The Heels may have the most lavish traveling situation in the tournament, as they can basically ride a baby blue Segway to their pod-site in Raleigh and their regionals in Charlotte before booking their Southwest Fun Fares to the Rio Grande. Apparently the committee compensated for this luxury by loading up their East Region with noteworthy talent, namely the best second-seed in the bracket in the Tennessee Vols, who, up until last week, was a front-runner for a top slot.

First-Round TiVo: (8)Indiana vs (9)Arkansas
State-of-Shock: (7)Butler over (2)Tennessee in the Second Round
Marbles: (1)North Carolina over (3)Louisville

Can the 'Hawks live up to the "bill-ing"?

MIDWEST. The Jayhawks were rewarded by a strong showing at the Big-XII Tournament, and on paper, Kansas should charge their way down to the Alamodome. While it may not be chock-full of the best talent in the land, this region has its fair share of rising programs (Clemson, Kansas State) and annual mainstays (Wisconsin, Gonzaga), not to mention instant gratification with Title Fight-worthy Mayo and Beasley exchanging Ultimate Highlights in just the first weekend of action.

First-Round TiVo: (6)USC vs (11)Kansas State
State-of-Shock: (12)Villanova over (5)Clemson in First Round
Marbles: (3)Wisconsin over (1)Kansas

SOUTH. Intriguing storylines stick out here, including the oft-disrespected Tigers of Memphis, Temple unearthing their experienced but dusty dancing shoes, Pitt’s strong play in the Big East royal rumble leading to a four-seed after a season of Hokey-Pokey-ing in and out of the Top 25, and Kentucky become reacquainted with what a bubble actually feels like.

First-Round TiVo: (6)Marquette vs (11)Kentucky
State-of-Shock: (4)Pittsburgh over (1)Memphis in Regional Semifinals
Marbles: (2)Texas over (4)Pittsburgh

WEST. With a suddenly-reeling Duke and the inconsistent Huskies of UConn, the UCLA Bruins might as well ask the committee to spot them plane tickets to the Final Four before the games even begin. On the other hand, asking Darren Collison and Kevin Love to accomplish a tall task and take the program to the Big Show in three straight years is quite the request. It might be fun to see how this region plays out, but it also might be boring.

First-Round TiVo: (8)BYU vs (9)Texas A&M
State-of-Shock: (11)Baylor over (6)Purdue in First Round
Marbles: (1)UCLA over (2)Duke

ADIEU AT 22

2008-03-18T23:15:00.001-07:00

Goodnight Houston, and godspeed.

Thanks for the memories, Rockets. Over the last month and half you've given us countless memories and made us all fans. Watching your style of basketball play and team camaraderie have made us all Clutch-City Crazies. Because of you we don't just bleed red anymore. Nah, we bleed Rocket Red, baby. Win after blowout win, we fell a little more in love with the Rockets. Hell, Houston became like a second home for many of us.

You stepped out of San Antonio's noogie and made a name for yourself. No longer just the easy part of the Texas swing, but somehow one of the most hostile environments in the Association. When Yao went down, it looked you suffered a big yao-chy, one that would have to drop you from playoff contention. We doubted you. Well, we were wrong.

You carried on without the big man, and kept tacking on wins. 10, 11, 12 in a row... It defied logic and common sense. Fans were coming out of the woodwork to cheer you on. Casual fans were coming out the woodworks, finally dedicated to the team for the first time in a decade. Doesn't matter though, the product on the court spoke volumes, made new fans. It wasn't just a basketball game. You were mending broken hearts. You were bridging generations closer together. You were curing cancer... at least that's what it seemed like, the way your fans went on and on about how life-changing this streak was.

Thank God this streak happened, Rockets fans. Rick Adelman discovered he had more than 2 players he could count on when he needed to. Shane Battier stepped up like he was back in Cameron and made countless big shots. Luis Scola and Carl Landry saved themselves from any major rookie hazing because they played so well. Skip to my Lou?...we love you! And thank you, Rox, for giving us one more fling with Mt. Mutombo. What would we be without Dikembe Mutombo, and all his finger-wagging, Cookie monster sounding jargon which you so brilliantly tried to duplicate, but couldn't come close to matching the original.

And finally, thank you for sharing Tracy McGrady with us. After witnessing first round exit after first round exit, we wondered if he could win anything meaningful. You showed us the real T-Mac. The McGrady we saw was a winner, and gamer, and actually able to carry the load of a team on his perceived weak knees. Night after night he brought it, and showed flashes of Mike, a touch of Oscar, a hint of Magic, and topped with some Dream. One order of TMac for MVP, please.

Rockets, you showed us you're legit. First place in the loaded wild, wild west. Nothing can stop you, nothing will stop you. The only time Houston, you will be having problems is deciding when to ease your foot off the throats of your opponents. The playoffs should be a breeze. The curse is over. Tracy will advance to the second round, right? At least. So keep it up, Rockets. Lock up first place and keep on keepin on. Because 22 games is no fluke. Better than a quarter of the season, one big fat W streak. You showed us you have the heart of a champion, and you know what Rudy T. said about what not to do about those.

Forget about Timmy, Kobe, CP3 and Booze. Keep your eye on the prize, and don't lose that focus you've been displaying night in and night out. You don't want that long winning streak to be all for naught, do you? What good is all the attention and praise if you can't get your hands on the Larry O'Brien? Because nobody wants to experience the highs of an incredible, historic winning streak then falter and fall humiliatingly short of the final goal, do they, Pats?

GANG GREENED

2008-03-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

Celts come back late to top Champs

Fierce Pierce was Texas-sized big

In a matchup of what many predict to be a Finals preview, the Celtics and Spurs provided an action-packed St. Patrick’s sneak peek. The Celtics won a nail-biter 93-91, despite looking as inebriated early on as their fans celebrating the holiday back home, down 17 after the first and as many as 22 at one point. The Celtics once again overcame the absence of Jesus Shuttlesworth nursing an ankle injury undoubtedly suffered at the hands of his father, Jake, with 3 players scoring 20 or more points. P-Double lead the way with 22 and Kevin Garnett added 21, as the Celtics rode to the winner’s circle after stage one of the Tour de Texas.

The Spurs, despite Manu Ginobili pouring in 32 points from all over the court, forgot to charge the batteries for their machine-like game for the second half. The Celtics came out strong after the break as baskets went down faster than half-off Irish car bombs, while the Spurs struggled offensively as their lead shrank to just 2 after the third. The Celtics took their first second-half lead after Sam Cassell phoned home a three with 45 seconds left. Down 2 with 4 ticks left, Bruce Bowen stole the inbound, legally, and passed the ball to Big Shot Bob, who looked more like Mediocre Ol' Bob as he missed a fallaway three pointer as the buzzer sounded.

Not tonight, Bob

The Celtics get no extended St. Patty's celebration tonight, however, as they move on to face the Rockets and their mind-boggling 22-game winning streak. The national stage is set for undoubtedly the biggest game of the season as the leaders in their respective conferences square off in a Houston showdown, as KG and Co. look to end the Rockets' historic streak.

ROUT-MATCHED

2008-03-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

Nuggs stomp Sonics by 55; set franchise record

It’s no secret that the Seattle Supersonics are a fry cry from yesteryears that boasted defensive-specialist Gary Payton and All-Star Shawn Kemp (minus 50 pounds and nine bastard children), but come on. In a rematch of a playoff series known as one of the greatest upsets in the sport, Sunday’s game between the Sonics and Nuggets was just plain upsetting.

The Nuggets dropped a face-melting 168 points on the near-cellar-dwelling squad from the northwest, who have lately been more concerned with exactly where they will lose their typical 60 games next year and might as well have been playing defense in wheelchairs.

Inside the debacle:

Denver’s 168 points in regulation was 5 points shy of the record, held by the 1990 Suns who put 173 on the board against, who else, the Nuggets.
Seattle gave up 138 points to the Nuggets last month. Spygate’s effects must be rippling beyond football, as game tapes are being destroyed across all sports leagues and hindering game preparations.
Pass it Around: Carmelo Anthony led the team in scoring with 26 and was one of eight Nuggets in double figures.
The Nuggets shot 60.4% from the floor, including a lights-out 16-for-31 from downtown.
Denver put up 84 points at the half. The Hornets scored 84 and the Heat ended up with 73 points in their entire respective games on Sunday.
The Nuggets out-assisted the Sonics, 44-28.
“Let’s Get the Hell Outta Here”: The game only lasted 2 hours and 11 minutes from tip-off to the final buzzer.

Baron and Sages Halftime Entertainment

2008-03-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

The Warriors' Boom Dizzle was interviewed by Sages at half time, and found himself unable to contain his laughter at the latest outfit Craig chose with his eyes closed. Expressing the thoughts of the rest of America, Baron flashed his Shrek Donkey smile, shook his head, and said "nice outfit" before answering a dead-serious question from the man in blue and salmon.

Give credit where credit is due, though. Sager has been wearing suits harmful to the eyes since I can remember. He's taken years of ridicule from multi-million dollar athletes but has kept on marching on. We salute you, Uncle Sages.

RECLAMATION PROCLAMATION

2008-03-13T23:40:00.001-07:00

Nash and Suns show they still got it

When the Golden State Warriors retooled last January by acquiring Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington for an overpriced sack of rocks, smallball finally made its return to the Bay since Tim Hardaway was known for killer crossovers and not killing crossdressers. The Warriors were among the fastest teams in the league, and their high-octane offense was suddenly the second-most potent in the league. Second-best behind the Phoenix Suns, that is.

The Warriors and Suns faced off in yet another Wild West shootout Thursday. The Warriors won the last three contests against the Suns dating back to last season, making Steve Nash look as defensively useless as Charles Barkley is stupid, with Monta Ellis and Baron Davis taking turns running circles around Nash. However, the Shaq trade changed the identity of the Suns, or rather left them looking for a completely new one. Shaq looked more like Clark Kent than Superman the last couple weeks, and the run-and-gun Suns stepped aside to make way for the faster, smaller upstart Warriors to claim the smallball crown. Now with the game’s greatest inside presence of the last 30 years, the Suns finally have a post game they hope will save them from any more playoff embarrassments on behalf of Tim Duncan, as they showed in Sunday’s victory. Unfortunately for Steve Kerr, the Suns don’t get to play the Spurs every game, and the Warriors would be a good litmus test for the retooled Suns.

Phoenix, however, went old school and showed the can still play the upstyle tempo they perfected the last several years, with their second consecutive game scoring 120+ points. Despite three first half technicals, including choirboy Grant Hill looking like he was gonna have to choke a bitch after a good non-call, and being down 5 after the break, the Suns came out of their locker rooms with some fire not seen in recent weeks. Outgunning the Warriors by 16 in the 3rd and never looking back, the Suns showed they could, indeed, still play the fast tempo, albeit with Shaq sitting on the bench with foul and heart rate troubles.

Steve Nash and the devastating tickle D

Despite Baron Davis’ near triple double with 38-9-8, Nash countered with a double-double of 21 and 13, with Amare Stoudamire adding 36 points and 11 boards. The Warriors looked every bit like a team on the back end of a back-to-back, with Ellis scoring 23 points despite a non-Ellis-like 36% shooting, and not much else. The Suns reclaimed the title of fastest team in the league, if only for one night, and setup high stakes for the fourth and final match between these two squads one month from tonight.

REALITY STILL ON HOLD

2008-03-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Rockets push the league's most irrelevant winning streak to 20

Their season was supposed to suffer a catastrophic setback when their All-Star center went down with injury, but try and tell these Rockets that. After Yao packed it in and called it a 年 in the midst of a surprising 12-game climb, the Rockets have pushed that streak to a nut-kicking TWENTY games by putting away the Atlanta Hawks on Wednesday.

This edition of the Rockets has already entered their names in the history books, joining the 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks (hard to believe they actually won something) and the 1971-72 Lakers as the only squads to push an unbeaten streak beyond the 20-game barrier. But the distinctions don’t stop there, as they will also become the first team to win at least 20 games in a row and NOT hoist a championship banner in the same year.

While slipping past soft team after soft team, they have defeated a couple of decent opponents during this unprecedented run. And I do mean a couple: the Cavs and the Hornets. And I guess the Mavs count too, so give credit where credit is due, as coming out with a W against those teams can’t be overlooked. But in a Western Conference where a five-game skid could easily drop a team out of the playoffs and a brutal schedule to close out March (including the Lakers, Celtics, Hornets, Warriors, Suns, and Spurs), the real Houston Rockets will ultimately be on display to showcase their true ability to ball at a championship level.

What do you have to say about that, Tracy?

It's unbelievable. For me to be on this team that has accomplished 20 straight wins, that has got to be right up there with the most gratifying things I've accomplished in this league. You look at the Bulls that were 72-10, they didn't even do it. So this is pretty remarkable.

Easy there, Mac-n-Tease. That Bulls team played every arduous game and fought through each grueling practice with one mantra: “Seventy-two aint a thing without the ring.” And it was that mindset that propelled that truly special group of basketball players to be included in every discussion regarding the greatest sports team…ever. And besides, Mike has more rings than McGrady has playoff victories.

They are undoubtedly the hottest team, but they are far from the best team. They are not even the best team in their division. Not even in their state.

They may be nice, but winning streaks are quickly forgotten. Champions are not. Except for the Spurz-z-zzzz……

So enjoy it while it lasts, Clutch City. And put things into perspective, Tracy. Pete Chilcutt has been on a title Rockets club, and you have yet to see the third week in May.

TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND BRACKET

2008-03-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

A user’s guide on how not to win your office pool

Aah, it’s that time of year again. The swarming scents of the spring season are flourishing in the air, the Sun is starting to set later and later into the evening, and the intolerable sounds of D-Bags quarreling over snubs, clubs, and bracket-busters are quickly getting out of hand. So here’s a crash course on how to stick-it-to-the-bro’s and demonstrate your utter apathy for their crude gambling ring by completely tanking your entry. Besides, ‘tis the season to veg on the couch, crack a beer, and enjoy some of the most entertaining basketball of the year.

BET ON THE UNDER-UNDERDOGS. No sixteen-seed has ever toppled a top one, and a fifteen shocking a two occurs approximately once every 20 blue moons. Take advantage of history’s lessons and go with Austin Peay or Winthrop to bring down the big boys. Going with the top-seeded favorites is so cliché, anyways.

WHO NEEDS TOP SEEDS? If that right-minded sports conscious on your shoulder just won’t let you pencil in Belmont over Tennessee (you weak, weak-minded coward), there is still hope yet of going bottoms up on your bracket. Since 2000, no team lower than a 5-seed has advanced to the Final Four showdown except for three: two #8’s and a #11 (curse you, George Mason). So when narrowing your field down to sixteen and eight, be certain to support the lower half of each region.

DON’T TRUST THE ANIMALS. And we’re talking about the nicknames/mascots. Over the past fourteen years, ten champions have been from the animal kingdom. So if you are busting a hemorrhoid deciding between the Memphis Tigers and the UMass Minutemen, go with the soldier boys.

BELIEVE IN THE HIGH-FIVE’S. Over the past decade or so, those first-round 5-12 match-ups have more resembled the Looney-Tunes/Monstars showdown in the critically-acclaimed Space Jam than a lopsided collegiate game. So don’t stop believing in the power of the “cursed” flawed five.

TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL. Although it may blow your cover as a legitimate entry, showcase your creativity by selecting teams that aren’t even in the tournament to advance deep into the later rounds. And you don’t even have to use teams. For example, last year, my final four consisted of the Denver Broncos, Christopher Reeve, a Venus Fly-Trap, and Buddhism, with Cinderella Saddam getting bounced in the Regional Finals. Don’t get too “hung up” about it….

That’ll show ‘em.

RUNNING POINTS

2008-03-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

Some Monday quick hits.

The Miami Tank brigade marches on, but Dwyane Wade's decided he's had enough. I guess 3 losses in 2 nights will do that you. After being on the wrong end of a 134-99 thrashing by the Warriors Friday night, the Heat faced the Hawks for a "double header" on Saturday to replay the last minute of their disputed December loss before taking part in their next regularly-scheduled loss. Miami didn't disappoint and chalked a couple more tallies in the L column of their god-awful and NBA-worst 11-50 record.

A long way from a Finals champagne shower

What is Kobe Bean thinking? Something that's been bugging me lately has been Kobe's choice of socks, mainly during home games. As if his ego couldn't get any bigger, he needs to be wearing the biggest socks in the entire Association, too. It's like he found the longest socks available, some man-stocking-looking things, then decided against the obviously dorkier route by rolling them down. Kobe, you look like a damn fool with those huge socks. I hope it's not another Showtime homage, cause the first attempt with the tight throwbacks and huge shorts was a fat whiff.

Not working, dude.

Sitting courtside of the Lakers-Kings game Sunday was Barry Bonds, still completely out of touch with reality. It's over, Barry. You can take that sweet diamond-encrusted Giants hat off. It's Zito's team, now.

And finally, putting the Insane in Vinsanity, here's Vince Carter a couple weeks back, doing his best to welcome new teammate, Devin Harris.

ANOTHER ONE LIKES THE CUFFS

2008-03-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

Steelers’ linebacker faces assault charges

Harrison's latest penalty will be more than just
fifteen yards and an automatic first down.

Every professional athlete in America thrives on the opportunity to surpass milestones and shatter long-standing statistical records. It seems like professional football players continuously take the “anything you can do, I can do better” mantra to unheard-of and, frankly, recklessly idiotic levels.

It is one thing for the career rushing crown to pass through the hands of Jim Brown, Walter Payton, and Emmitt Smith; or the single-season passing touchdown trophy to bounce from Marino to Manning to Brady. It is a whole different level of one-upmanship when convicts and degenerates on the gridiron pad their rap sheets instead of their stats in the box score.

James Harrison, a five-year veteran linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arraigned on Sunday after being charged with assaulting his girlfriend. 29-year-old Beth Tibbott reported that after an argument, Harrison kicked down a locked door, broke her iPhone in half, and finally backhanded her mug, leaving a very nice (but backwards) Super Bowl XL logo on her forehead.

The Commissioner / Warden

Harrison joins Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Michael Vick, and the ever-increasingly annoying “Spy Gate”, as virtual aneurisms in the brain of Roger Goodell, not to mention O.J. Simpson’s occasional and friendly reminders that he is, in fact, the Great Slash-Bino in the League of Penitentiary Gentlemen.

TOBACCO OWED

2008-03-08T21:52:00.001-08:00

Hansbrough’s heels outwit, outplay, and outlast Dukies

As all in attendance wore baby-blue ribbons in memory of slain Chapel Hill student Eve Marie Carson, the greatest rivalry in the collegiate ranks took center stage in the sports world on Saturday as the Heels landed eight miles from home and into Cameron Indoor Stadium to finish their regular season against the Blue Devils on Senior Night. Ex-Dukies Jay Williams, Chris Duhon, and Christian Laetttner looked on, as well as Peyton and Eli Manning. Hines Ward and Deion Branch could not make it due to scheduling conflicts.

Any meeting always raises the intensity on Tobacco Road and frequently sparks crowd fist-fights, but here’s to throwing fuel on that humid fire: the Heels are ranked #1, Duke is ranked #5, the ACC regular-season title comes down to this game, and the winner can almost assuredly pencil themselves in as the top seed in the East Region (which would allow them to skateboard to their first four tournaments games this year held in Raleigh and Charlotte).

With the possible exceptions of Tyler, Ty Lawson, and DeMarcus Nelson, Saturday night’s contest was a veritable showcase of talented players who will soon be gracing NBA benches with their warm buttocks or lighting up scoreboards in eastern Europe (anyone know what Sheldon Williams and Sean May have been up to lately?).

Carolina quickly jumped out into the lead and built up a double-digit advantage in the first half, but Greg Paulus and those gigantic bags under his eyes rainbowed in triple after triple to keep the Devils within striking range. Fighting back in the latter half after a thorough verbal bombardment in the locker room from Coach K (which probably sounds funny), Duke took a 68-66 lead with just over five minutes left in the ball game. However, Duke’s small run-and-gun lineup ran out of gas and was kept off the scoreboard to the final buzzer, succumbing to the Heels, 76-68.

All-American Tyler Hansbrough finished with 16 points and 15 boards despite his night-long absence from the stripe (shocking because of all the crotch-grabbing that goes on in the low post). Duke’s lack of significant inside presence will become a major (and possibly decisive) factor in two weeks if they keep shooting 33% from the floor. Or another options is to call Elton Brand or Carlos Boozer and see if either of them has a little brother or something.

Also making headlines in amateur ball on Saturday:

Winthrop, Austin Peay, and Belmont joined Cornell and officially punched their tickets to the NCAA after winning their respective conference tournaments. Sadly, all four failed to flip their tickets over to find “good for one first-round trouncing” written on the back.
UCLA’s Josh Shipp plays H.O.R.S.E. with 2 seconds left against Cal by dropping in a game-winning tear-drop bucket that was shot from behind and soared over the outer edge of the backboard. There’s only one thing: that’s an illegal shot.
With a loss to Arizona State, Oregon State became the first Pac-10 team to pull a Yuc-caneers and go winless in conference play. Safe to say their bubble has officially burst.

M.I.A.-MI

2008-03-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

South Beach Diet: Losses

Somewhere in Bel Air, there is a hole in the heart of one Fresh Prince Will Smith for his second home on the other side of the nation. The Miami sports franchises, consisted of the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins, are in as dire a situation as the South Beach shores are white and sandy.

While all three franchises have found some varying levels of success in recent years, each has gone through recent roster transformations that have Nip/Tucked the sports landscape as dramatically as the booming cosmetic surgery industry. Now toiling at the bottom of their respective standings, dark clouds have rolled into south Florida and the recent days of fun in the Miami sun seem so far away.

Heat. Just two years after winning their first NBA title, the Heat broke up their mini-Justice League, shipping Superman out West and leaving Flash trying to find a new connection with newcomer, Shawn Marion. This comes after a season-long hold of the worst record in the L, and sixty-two year old Head Coach Pat Riley threatening to lace up his high-top Chucks after seeing too many of his “4 Strong” slog through games thinking about Cabo. Riley blasted his team after another blowout loss recently, saying “The season is over for them. That's how they're playing. Some of them anyhow.''

Perhaps now that Dwyane Wade has finally gotten into the Chuckster’s Fave Five, Flash can concentrate on his main goal of playing some basketball, or at least with the way the season has gone, tank in style. As no help seems to be in sight for the Heat, white hot shirts might be going out of fashion real quick.

Marlins Much has been made about the small-market, low-payroll Marlins and their revolving cast of characters ever since winning their out-of-nowhere World Series titles in 1997 and then again in 2003. 2008 will be no exception, as the Marlins were gutted and mainstays Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera were shipped to Motown in the offseason. The Marlins return outstanding infielder Hanley Ramirez to carry the bulk of the offense, but Ramirez alone won’t be able to produce enough numbers to allow the future Miami Marlins to compete with the Mets or Braves.

Dolphins. Perhaps the only thing that did go right for the 2007 Dolphins came courtesy of another team. The New England Patriots’ all-time choking of the big one in Super Bowl XLII, allowed the 1972 Dolphins to remain the only citizens of Perfectville. But that still happened more than 25 years ago, folks. The 1-15 Dolphins shipped Chris Chambers to the left coast and brought in the Big Tuna to right the ship for 2008. But alas, not even Ace Ventura will be able to save Ronnie Brown, Dancing with the Stars’ Jason Taylor and the rest of the Dolphins from sinking to the bottom of the AFC East once again.

UCLA SHOE-IN'S

2008-03-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

Invitation's in the mail for the Bruins

Golden C's in town of golden "DD's"

With a bruised-and-battered John Wooden in the minds of all at Pauly Pavilion (and in front of Jack Nicholson, who just looks bruised and battered), the Bruins rallied from a double-digit first-half deficit (with alarm bells sounding loudly) to claim their third consecutive regular-season Pac-10 title and take over the driver's seat for the #1 seed in the West.

It’s not the conclusion that was much of any surprise (the Bruins are winning ball games at a rate not seen in Westwood since Kareem was signing sorority boobs as “Lew”), but the way they rose to victory that was more of a bolt from the blue, by being taken to the brink by an upstart Cardinal squad. Three, four, or possibly even five more teams will join them in representing the conference later this month.

Also looking good to skip school finals as a #1 Seed:

North Carolina. After relinquishing the top ranking to the likes of Memphis and Tennessee, the Heels regain pole position (that's what she said) going into Championship Week. If they can leave Cameron Indoor and the Crazies (below) in Durham with a vengeful victory on Saturday (and possibly give Coach K his very first gray hair), a top seed is theirs to squander.

Blue Man Group really fell off

Memphis. Sure, the Tigers play in a less-than-titillating Conference-USA and screwed the pooch against the Vols in one of their few tastes of power-conference basketball. But looking beyond the list of wins reveals impressive strengths of victory, with most of their W’s falling under the double-digit win category, including three straight 40-point wins (!) in early January. It will surely be entertaining to watch Memphis navigate through their region. And shoot horrible-looking foul shots.

Tennessee. When the two-time champion Gators disbanded for more money in another league, it left the Volunteers to hold the torch for the SEC. Their first ever stint as the top dog in the land was short lived (about as long as a Francis Ford Coppola movie), but I challenge any team to play well at Vandy when the coach has to call out back-door picks from a concession stand in the parking lot.

NOT EXACTLY ALLSTATE

2008-03-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

“It’s been a great career for me, and it’s over. As hard as that is for me to say, it’s over.”

Brett Favre made his retirement official Thursday in an emotionally-charged hour-long press conference in Green Bay. Favre spoke about countless memories he made with the Packers, and mentioned a long list of football names who've helped him throughout his illustrious career during the press conference. Furthermore, Favre achieved yet another record from his seat, surpassing the retirement of John Elway in 1999 for Most Tearful Retirement Speech.

Favre also went on to say that he would be spending his retirement back in Mississippi, doing "nothing", and spending his time away from the NFL with his wife and kids. Ending speculation that he might Be Like Mike and unretire after taking some time second-guessing his decision, Favre nixed the idea along any thoughts of him being involved with the Packer organization and overseeing the development of the new starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.

And thus begins the Rodgers Era, with all of the six-game career experience, to fill in for the face of the franchise for the first time since 1992 . When reached on his cell phone following Favre's initial announcement, Rodgers stated he was "hella stoked" for the chance to finally get some playing time. Rodgers went on to say that the Packers would be just fine with him because "I got a firsthand look at what greatness is all about, and I'm great, so we'll pretty much be great together."

Rodgers after hearing of the promotion

Rodgers realizing what said promotion means

Good luck, Packers.

CRICKET ADMIRE-LESS

2008-03-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

The Houston Rockets are not the only thing streaking....

VIDEO

Andrew Symonds pwns a nude man at a
cricket match in Australia Wednesday.

THE SUN-NY IMPAIRED TRAGEDY HOUR?

2008-03-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

Suns stumbling to keep pace in the race

It still early March, but the heat is turning up at a sweltering rate. No, not our one-time friends that we don't want to be associated with anymore playing junior varsity ball down in South Florida, but perhaps the temperature in the deserts of the Southwest. Or maybe the competitiveness of nine or ten playoff-worthy clubs jockeying for position in a cramped 8-passenger playoff van headed for May. But more assuredly, it could refer to the increasingly blistering heat in the office of Steve Kerr at US Airways Arena.

It has been nearly a month into the 2008 Shaq Experiment. Is it still to early to say “oops”?

The Phoenix Suns are the most successful franchise in the NBA that has never played up to potential in early and mid-June. Over the last 17 seasons, Phoenix has only missed post-season play twice, and in the modern Nash-era over the past three and a half years, they have won at least one playoff series and have twice taken the court as one of the league’s final four. They have truly mastered the art of successful futility, drawing heavy influences from franchises including the Buffalo Bills and the Seattle Seahawks.

Last summer, Steve Kerr put down the TNT broadcasting headset and picked up the executive telephone for the Suns (there’s only so much of Marv’s “serve up a facial!” a man can take). Trying to take the franchise to a previously-unattained level, Steve took the ultimate gamble and brought in Superman to park his 7-foot-1 frame in the unpainted lane in hopes of bringing the O'Brien trophy to Arizona. Shaq and Kerr each brought a fair amount of jewelry (a combined eight rings) with them to the desert, so honestly, neither of them can be too bummed about watching the Lakers and Celtics play in June.

To make all of you in Cactus Land feel a little better about your team (and also about living in America’s “outdoor shed”), they haven’t been walking on a golden road the past few weeks, bumping into the likes of the Lakers, Pistons, Celtics, and Hornets. But there’s no getting around the fact that before the Shaq deal, the Suns managed a stout 37-16 record, and since suiting the Diesel up in the ugliest colors in the NBA, they have stumbled to a rare 3-5 stretch mark over the past 15 days, free-falling to the sixth seed, and in foreseeable danger of finding themselves on the outside-looking-in on a Western Conference playoff picture as crowded as below-deck on the Amistad. (Get the point? It’s crowded out here.)

Shaq told me to write this one down: “The Sun will rise in Phoenix”. Well Dr. O’Neal, it’s freezing out here and I still can’t see anything.

FAVRE OUT-for real

2008-03-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Favre ends storied 17-year career

In a move that has been an off-season will he-won’t he befitting a soap opera for the past 3 seasons, Brett Favre finally decided to hang up the green parka, yellow pants and ride off into the Wisconsin wind-chill for good Tuesday. After his historic season, in which records were toppled like the tin cans he shot at as a mulletted Mississippi youth, Favre leaves the Packers a stubbly god among Cheeseheads and Green Bay scrambling in search of any building, park, and roadway to name in his honor.

What can be said about Favre that hasn’t already been said by John Madden a couple thousand times? In an era in which sports icons from the last decade, names such as McGwire, Bonds, Clemens, and Shaq fall from grace before our very eyes, the 38-year old Favre inexplicably rolled the way back clock to 1997 and gave every right-minded football fan across America one more historic season to enjoy. Despite finishing the NFC Championship game looking like the old Favre in age only, his 2007 season will be remembered more for his record breaking achievements: Quarterback career wins, touchdown passes, passing yards, and passes to the opposition, and the last of his amazing career.

Brett Favre played quarterback every Sunday with the passion of a regular Joe off his recliner, living his dream playing his favorite game, rather than with the aura that comes with being arguably the greatest quarterback of his, if not all, generation. With TomBot’s successful attempts to actually be as unlikable and monotonous as he is good*, how can anybody say they won’t miss seeing Favre charging down the field and being among the first to congratulate his teammate after a touchdown pass, or getting in the face of fat opposing linemen after scrambling away and breaking his defense down for yet another touchdown pass? Football’s ironman took hit after hit during his seventeen-year career, but sacks and tackles, addictions and off-field tragedies proved to be no match for #4. Favre was so likable and, probably even successful, because he played with an unbridled love for the game. Michael Jordan famously had it, Brett Favre definitely had it.

So if Favre has indeed taken his last Lambeau Leap, what a way it was for him to go out. He deserves to leave after an incredibly successful season, surpassing all expert expectations, most of all his. Favre proved he had plenty left in the tank, and who knows what another year with Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings and the strong young Packer core could have amounted to. But the talent was still young and unproven, and 3MVPs, 2 Super Bowl trips and 1 glorious career later, he deserves to leave on his own terms. The football-watching world is worse off not having the gift of watching Brett Favre man the green and gold every Sunday, but what a lifetime of memories he’s given already.

A REACH OF CONTRACT

2008-03-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Moss stays; Big Ben wins the lottery

Dear Mr. Moss,

You didn’t fool anyone.

A story that was never really a story but was made out to possibly be a story: such is the free agency of record-holding wide receiver Randy Moss. We know you had never previously been put up for auction on the free agent market (you were on the shelf for about as long as a Wii on December 23^rd), and we know you declared free agency and tested the waters in various needy cities, you tease.

"You ready to blow it?"

Last season, number 81 caught 98 balls for almost 1,500 yards and a gaudy 23 trips to the house on the greatest offensive team that this side of the Milky Way has ever seen. And with that red “L” on the bottom of the Pats’ 07 schedule sticking out like a sore assault and battery charge in Week 19 – I mean, thumb – there was little doubt he would be back square dancing in Foxborough come September. Moss made it official on Monday by agreeing to a 3-year/$27M extension.

And why not? The man is a well-oiled catching machine when he’s not blazed out of his bearded skull. Fans just better pray that now that he’s scored a payday that includes an $8 million-per-year raise, he doesn’t take the effort level back down to about 60-65%. Should he hit pay-dirt (and do that unexplainable curtain-parting celebration) less than ten times this upcoming season, then last year would still be history-making, but nothing really big. Just like the Marshall plane crash, right?

A hundred mil should cover this, right?

Now travel 600 miles to the southeast and drop by the Steel City of Pittsburgh, the home of the best team that in reality isn’t all that spectacular. What do you do when you go a division-best 10-6, but lose to the same non-divisional opponent twice on your home field (I use the term “field” loosely when referring to Ketchup Stadium)? Of course! You write a 9-figure check to a guy who made love to asphalt harder than Diddy in the video for “I’ll Be Missing You” (YouTube it before you say “huh?”).

The new owner of an 8 year/$102M-contract has taken the Steelies to the playoffs three times in four years, and also won that Super Bowl two years ago that everyone has already forgotten about. Who cares if they won despite his performance, not because of it?

Big Ben becomes the seventh player (all quarterbacks) since 2001 to ink such a large, long-term deal. What has become of the other six in the last seven years, you say? Well, one just got turned away by the Raiders (ouch), one is having his leadership capabilities questioned, one is a back-up to a guy who slams beer bongs in Cabo a week before the playoffs, and one just finished his first losing season. Oh, and one’s in federal prison. And the other is Brett Favre, who has contemplated hanging it up every off-season since saying “giddy-up” to a TEN-year deal in 2001.

Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Donovan McNabb, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, and Michael Vick collectively have a 7-6 playoff record since signing their respective record deals. This includes only one trip to the Super Bowl, which was a whooping of the nauseous-McNabb-led Eagles at the hands of the Patriots in SB XXXIX.

Despite being an almost unfair comparison, by himself, Terrific Tom is 14-3 in January and February, and sports three custom-made, rainbow-colored rings.

EYE FOR A WISE-EYE

2008-03-02T16:16:00.000-08:00

The Whine-Brenner Brothers take shots at Champions

Comedic writer Larry David voiced an erratic, faceless, half-squeaky/half-annoying, and downright hilarious George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld in the nineties. These days, with the big boss being awake for only six hours each day (two in the bathroom and four feebly trying to figure out a way to button the top button on his shirt) and his stout offspring eagerly waiting to fill his penny loafers, Larry might want to think about writing the characters of Hank and Hal Steinbrenner into Curb Your Enthusiasm.

After stepping into the boss’s shoes, Hank Steinbrenner wasted no time by turning around and kicking the Red Sox right in the baked beans.

His intelligent tirade:

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is...”

Way to stay classy, Steiny, Jr.

“…That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans...”

It is? Oh yeah, now that I think about it, I do remember seeing Stuart Scott at Costco wearing the BP cap and Scott Van Pelt at Wal-Mart buying a fake Yastrzemski uni. Bristol, CT (ESPN headquarters), is ten miles closer to the Bronx than the Fens.

“…Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets…"

You can’t just make up stats, Hanky.

“This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

The universe has apparently been waiting 7 years to be restored to order.

After Hank the Tank’s comments were released, Red Sox principal-owner John Henry took a few minutes from being an economic and financial genius (which apparently doubles the aging process, as the 59-year-old options trader looks older than Strom Thurmond. And I mean Strom Thurmond now, not when he was alive) to FedEx a lovely gift basket filled with assorted Beantown trinkets and goodies:

An official Red Sox Nation membership card
Red Sox newsletter
Bumper stickers
Pin
Green Monster seats
An official cap signed by David Ortiz

Now that’s pretty funny.

Honestly, I am not a fan of either team, but the Yankees remind me of that one guy who comes over to play Guitar Hero and thinks he’s God’s gift to “Black Magic Woman” because he’s been playing since before the game was even developed and has beaten every song on “Expert” level, but ends up being excessively bitter and angry because this other guy (the Sox), who hasn’t played video games in 86 years, isn’t taking things so seriously, and is more focused on drinking and having a good time, is Star-Powering him into submission.

Yeah, that’s it.

Take it easy, boys. Four years ago, Boston hadn’t won a Series since slavery. Now they’ve won two. Let them be increasingly abrasive and have their day in the limelight. Lord knows you’ll be back to winning World Series’ in a few years when you top the $1 billion mark on the payroll. Maybe.

Throw it down, Will. THROW IT DOWN!

2008-03-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

H.O.R.S.E. never looked so pretty....

VIDEO: Will vs Walt

Just be-mac yourself, T-Mac

2008-03-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

This is getting ridiculous. Actually, it's beyond ridiculous now. Tracy, quit kidding yourself and thinking you're capable of carrying a team into the playoffs, much less beyond the first round, on that gimpy chicken leg, back, and lazy eye of yours. You have Yao cashing checks he literally can't write, apparently hob knobbing with the SoHo crowd, and shutting down operations amidst one the greatest feats of overachievement in NBA history. 13-0? Yao kiddin me?

I've got 15-1 odds that during the Olympics' opening ceremony, Huanhuan the giant red dancing person/spirit will make his/its way to the torch, dramatically remove his head, and reveal himself to be the 7-6 starting center for the Houston Rockets and light that bad boy up. If only Rick Adelman knew before the season that "broken foot" and "mascot training in March" were so similar sounding in Chinese.

But seriously, Tracy, enough noise, enough of this win streak, and enough of a playoff spot being wasted on another T-Mac-led team. You're the 2nd Round Virgin. I don't know how long David Stern is going to let this go on for, but I think Pam Oliver would much rather interview Baron Davis or Allen Iverson in May than you or Dikembe freakin' Mutombo. Well, maybe not Deke.

Do the nation, nay, the world a favor and let Yao's team be. Land the Rockets safely and mission launch again next year. Besides, I heard open try-outs for Nini are going on right now.

DOWNTOWN STILL-A-BROWN

2008-02-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

Anderson Returns; Quinn's balls still blue.

It wasn't long after packing his bags, saying his goodbyes, and walking halfway to a waiting cab prepared to take him to Free Agent International, that Pro-Bowl quarterback Derek Anderson realized that life without the luxury of tossing jump-ball touchdowns to Braylon Edwards might suck.

Yikes. There's a reason Derek Anderson didn't get

much face-time outside of Cleveland.

The Browns had barely taken his name off the company directory when he agreed to a 3-year/$20M contract to remain in Cleveland. He then scampered upstairs to unpack his duffel, only to find Brady Quinn already in his office with his feet up on the desk, sipping Myoplex from his “Play like a champion today” mug, and admiring his own bargain-bin Fathead.

In 2007, Quinn threw the same amount of

touchdown passes as Stephen Hawking.

However, Quinn shouldn't be too depressed heading back to the bench. Rumor has it the defense is holding open tryouts all summer. There’s also Miami, Baltimore, and Atlanta jobs opening, if you enjoy being let go in 2 years.

Derek emerged from national obscurity in ’07 and threw for 29 TD's, sixteen of them caught by Edwards – the best wide receiver in the Buckeye State (sorry, Housh and Ocho) and my 2007 fantasy stud in that position. And I still went 1-13.

That's right. 1 win and 13 losses.

Oh, and a tie.

American League 2008

2008-02-29T00:37:00.000-08:00

Divisional Predictions for the American League, or according to ESPN, the Red Sox, Yankees and some other teams.

AL East - Red Sox. It's inevitable: that new thing once cute and refreshing eventually becomes increasingly uncute and outright annoying and/or creepy with time. Haley Joel Osment, Family Guy, Rachael Ray and now The Boston Red Sox. No longer the lovable underdog just happy to be in contention as Fall rolls along, the AL pennant is the BoSoxs' to lose once again. Ho hum. But until September arrives, Boston will need to endure another summer of Manny being Manny, Schilling running his mouth from the IR, and all the annual baggage this team seems to face.

"The heaviest team in baseball"

AL Central - Tigers. Once again, the team from Detroit will be overshadowed by the team from Boston as media darlings. The Tigers still have Maggs along with his geri-curl mullet, Gary Sheffield, and newcomer Miguel Cabrera to produce plenty of runs at Comerica. The rotation should put up some impressive numbers with D-Train's arrival alongside Justin Verlander and The Gambler. But, they'll have to overcome a monumental mid-season setback when Pudge Rodriguez and 109 year-old manager Jim Leyland are caught injecting HGH into each other's derrières.

Detroit's new model: the D-Bird

AL West - Angels. Big Bad Vlad gets some help in the outfield with multiple Gold Glover Torri Hunter finally getting to play outside in Los Angeles of Anaheim of California. Probably not as productive as they once were several years ago, this duo will still be a formidable 1-2 punch, especially against the competition being thrown at them out West and win the division by default. The Angels may quietly have a rotation amongst the best in the AL if John Lackey can produce numbers that mirror last year's stellar performance.

AL Wildcard - Indians. There will be no Series victory to celebrate in Yankee Stadium's final year, as the Yankees set their sights on media domination instead. Derek Jeter will shift his focus on the insurmountable task of out-commerical whoring Peyton Manning, and A-Rod will yet again manufacture tabloid headlines to prove that he is, in fact, not gay.
Cy-Young winner C.C. Sabathia and Grady Sizemore should lead the Indians to the Wild Card as they once again flirt with strong postseason hopes. However, those Series dreams will be dashed with another playoff failure, breaking Drew Carey's heart once again; LeBron James will be apathetic.

National League 2008

2008-02-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

Unwarranted Divisional Predictions.

I'm willing to bet that at least one of these will be correct.

NL East – Mets. Already proclaimed “the team to beat” in the National League, will the Mets strike the memory of last year's finish from the minds of fans and critics? I mean, there hadn't been a bigger September free-fall in New York since [insert inappropriate joke here]. Too soon? But seriously, after purchasing (on layaway) the best hurler in the bigs to deal against the mediocre NL East, it’s hard to bet against the Mets breaking through. But still possible.

"If anyone asks, I never managed the Devil Rays."

NL Central – Cubs. Piniella did it managing the Reds. He’s in the midst of doing the same with the Cubs (turning a team around and still collecting premature walks back to the clubhouse). Given this talented-on-paper squad, Lou should be able to lead the winner of last year’s ugliest pennant race to a more dignified and satisfying finish. And with Santana, A-Rod, Clemens fighting for the spotlight this winter, the Cubs have quietly reloaded with a few new weapons of their own.

"Joe told us to wake him up when the tying run gets on. Does he know he can't make a change in the cart?"

NL West – Dodgers. It shouldn’t be too long before Gentle Joe gets acclimated and grows comfortable sitting on the bench and falling asleep with his new bunch of bombers. Chavez Ravine is supposedly more nap-friendly than the Bronx, especially since no one in attendance really cares. Arguably boasting the best roster in the division (barely edging out the D-Backs with experience), LA’s second-best baseball team should be in command of the division over Arizona and San Diego by early September.

NL Wildcard – Phillies. The remainder of the league is mediocre at best. The Brewers, Diamondbacks, and Braves will each have their month or so in the sun. Meanwhile, the Rockies will not put on any worthy encore to their boring World Series run (keep in mind that the Rocks had to win 14 games out of 15 to even qualify for the postseason, and momentum like that can carry even average teams further than expected). When it’s all done, the Phillies will emerge as the best of the worst.

Divisional Winners for the Junior Circuit coming soon, so don't place your futures bet just yet.

Heating Up

2008-02-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Warm Stove. We are currently under construction and will be serving your needs soon.